Frustration

I must have absolutely lost my mind to trust something I cannot see.

To continue to try to build with someone who is taking others away.

To expect an embrace from someone I say no to.

To feel anger towards someone who never provoked me.

I must be crazy.

To allow myself to become so attached.

That it hurts to think of the relationships changing.

That it feels like they were a failure.

As if they never happened.

And still expect that someone to look out for me.

Yeah. I have definitely lost it.

To feel anger. Such anger. Such abandonment.

And still try to hang on.

Why go deeper?

Why make memories?

Why care?

When it'll all be waste a year from now?

Well, obviously, I don't believe that.

That's why I trust. And build. And respond. And allow the anger to dissipate.

Because I believe in the one I can't see.

And I still know that he knows the best for me.

But shoot. His timing so sucks.

An Experiment, of sorts

Reading lyrics to songs makes me want to write. Write like I used to. When I would put my feelings to words, and the words would put feeling to themselves. There was a time when I was aware of what emotions I was feeling. A time when it was at least tempered if not filtered. And that time saw endless ups and downs, but at least they were marked clearly. And some of it embarrassed me, and some I won't permit you to see...but it was me. It was raw and unchanged. And it gave me a sense to make sense of this rage and now I can't find it, it's difficult to see because it's been so long that I long to be me. And what of this confusion? Confused I can't be. But the record keeps playing, what used to be me. And the sound of the lyrics is haunting my dreams and I can't keep the writing from coming in screams. There's no need to appease this beast that's in me, but it's me that I long for and me I can't see. Now the writing is coming and it's taunting in jest, but i like that it's flowing-I don't need any rest. Cause the moment is here now, and release is in sight, cause there's no other way to be fighting this fight and if you try to stop me, I'll bulldoze you down, cause the lost isn't lost now and I have been found.

Now on to the next verse, and on to the ground, there's no turning back...there's no slowing down. The only way is through, cause I've been around, and it always ends up that I'm not up, but down. And the fact that it's round, and the clown isn't brown, and now what I'm writing to you seems unsound. But it's real, can't you see it? The words are alive. And just try, can't you breathe it? It leaves in a sigh. Such a marvelous feeling, the escape of the kept, no longer hiding, no longer swept- By the winds and the rains and the fairytale songs. But out it keeps drawing and it's drawing you along. But it's okay to feel it. It's fine to be lost. Nope, there's no way to kill it, for you've counted the cost. And to stop now, oh now, would be a mistake. You signed on the line and accepted the stakes. So keep on to the third, I promise a prize. But you'll never find it if you look with your eyes...

Alas, to the third verse. And what, you discover? There's no need to brood. There's no need to hover. You're closer than ever, just reach our your arm. That's it, you feel it. No call for alarm. The freedom. You taste it? It's ever so true. It belongs to me... I belong to you. So, come, let us share it, there's more than enough. This freedom is tested. This freedom is tough. But it comes with a price that is higher than most, and I don't mean to boast, but here comes a toast: I've done it, my love. I've found it again. The joy that overcomes when I'm strapped with a pen. And the, feeling's momentous, I don't want to let go. But I know there are others who're part of this show. But, the last words, I'll end on, boy they'll be a treat. I only wish, this was put, to a beat...


To the one who is true, and the one whom I love, this toast is for you, from your only dove.

Chaos (spoken word?)

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

This song is my anthem right now. Everything going on right now, especially emotionally, feels like absolute chaos. I am definitely not in control, and though I hate it, God loves it. I'm finally learning what it feels like to give over control to the One who knows what's best for me. It feels like falling. It feels like losing touch. It feels like chaos. And it's exhilarating. It's breath-taking. It's marvelous. And now that I've tasted it, I can't get enough. I can't let go now. I can't turn around. I can't leave the One who is enamored with me. The One who I am betrothed to. The One who has taken my life into His hands. His hands that are firm. His hands that are sure. His hands that will never let me go. And I can't turn around. And I can't give up. And I can't turn my back. This is it. This is what I live for. This is what I desire. This, this feeling. This reality. This loss of control. This, chaos. This chaos that has consumed me. This consuming fire. This refiner's fire. It is what I longed for. And now that I am in it, I'm not getting out. I'm not giving up. I'm not going to run. So, whatever you're doing, inside of me. It feels like chaos, but it, too, makes me free.

Christ the King.

Websites on religion

http://www.leaderu.com/jhs/dallas-expanded.html

http://www.leaderu.com/jhs/dallas.html#Religious2

http://peacebyjesus.witnesstoday.org/IsHomosexualitySin.html

http://peacebyjesus.witnesstoday.org/Homosexuality_and_the_Bible_Wink.html

http://www.utlm.org/testimony/chworldtestimony.htm

http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-walter-wink

http://www.religionfacts.com/christianity/charts/christianity_islam.htm

http://www.dianedew.com/islam.htm

http://www.faithfreedom.org/oped/JamesByrne30526.htm

http://www.religionfacts.com/jehovahs_witnesses/comparison.htm

http://www.religionfacts.com/jehovahs_witnesses/comparison.htm

http://www.cftf.com/booklets/jwslisten/pingpong.htm

http://www.godandscience.org/cults/jwdiff.html

http://contenderministries.org/jehovahswitnesses/comparison.php

http://www.christiananswers.net/menu-ar1.html

Riddle me this...

As Wink puts it, “We are freed from bibliolatry, the worship of the bible. It is restored to its proper place as witness to the Word of God. And that word is a Person, not a book.”

-Taken from a friend's paper.

Walter Wink said this. Any thoughts on it?

Oops

So, no real thing to blog about now. I have karate at 7am, and I need to get to bed. I will work on blogging. Don't have my computer right now, so it's hard to keep up with everything. Hope you all are doing fine. Feel free to comment whatever on this blog. Love you all.

lexi

These are my Confessions...

I wrote this yesterday, while thinking about my current situation and what I needed to do to reconcile myself back to my Dad. Sorry if you don't understand all of it. I already read it to God, so He's okay with me sharing it. Haha.

Here goes:

Lord, I'm sorry that I need you
yet give you none of me.
I apologize for ignoring you
though you are who set me free.
And I wish I did not need you, Lord.
Believe me, this is true.
Because then I wouldn't harm you, Lord.
My sins would not be grieving you.
I confess my sins to you, O God
and lay it down before your feet.
I am ashamed to say, today, O God
that many of them repeat.
For the lusting thoughts, O God
for the joking of the ring
I turned my heart to a new man.
I turned away from you, my King.
I get so caught up in the thoughts
of dreaming of what is ahead
that I don't choose the narrow path,
bring a stranger to my Lover's bed.
And I have visions of you, God,
things I can dwell on in truth.
Like learning not to run away
from the Husband of my youth.
Do not let these sins remain.
Do not allow me to contain
gifts that power give domain
and from bragging, I don't refrain.
Deal with me as you see fit.
Your kingdom, I'm a part of it
But, in judgement, remember this...
Turn the page. I'm on the list.

Any comments?

Preparing for a life group, Summer 2009

Chapter 2: Who is Esther?

Esther was:

A captive

An orphan

Beautiful: lovely in both form and features-her physical traits AND how she held herself-form

There for at least 4 years!

Patient!

full of favor from God-Hegai gave her 7 maids and the best room in the place!

(devout in her faith)

Obedient-to Mordecai, did not reveal her family background

Open to suggestions on how to improve-wore only what Hegai suggested, and it worked!

In good care: though her own parents were dead, she was obedient to the father God had provided her. He took care of her from childhood and walked, every day, back and forth to see how she was doing. 4 years!



Made queen-given a crown and a royal position

Honored by her king-even though he did not believe as she did, he honored her because of who she was

Given a great banquet and a holiday-it is likely that she appeared at the feast after the coronation, maybe receiving the praise of obedience where Vashti had taken the blot of disobedience



Humble-she gave credit to Mordecai

Still obedient to the father of her youth



Chapter 3: What we don't want

Weigh In

Read:

"How can we convince them to take the medicine if we can’t convince them they are sick? Sin destroys…that is part of our message."

I saw this quote in response to another blog.

From any corner, view and issue you want to take it from, tell me your thoughts on this quote.

I'll blog about it in a few days myself.

Desperate

I am desperate, desperate, for more of You
and I can't wait another day to see You move
how my heart is hungry for the chance
to sit at Your feet and feel Your presence
feel Your presence in the deepest part of me.

Sometimes, sometimes I feel so desperate for a touch from my Lord that I am near tears.
Sometimes, just the thought of Him is enough for my heart to beat irregularly.
Sometimes, I feel a great wave of emotion for no other reason than His existence.
Sometimes, I feel like letting go, but don't know how, and don;t know if I'll regret it later.

Today, is one of those sometimes.
I feel like almost anything could bring me to tears right now.
I don't know how much my 'strong ' facade can take.
I'm not sure if I'll lose it today.

God, I am desperate for You. I am desperate for You to do something in my life. I am desperate for you to take over, because I can't lead this life on my own. Dad, I need you. During worship Sunday, you stood before me and I sang a song something like this to You Lord: "I remember, when you were with me. And then You left me, no, I left You. But I feel You now, please come back to me. I feel Your Presence-I need You. I need You. I need You. I need You." That still holds true for me, Father, even now. You are my hope. I like the song: In You we live, Lord, In You we move. In You we breathe, and have our being." How true, God. How true that all we are is because of You. That this chance at life is because of the sacrifice of your Son's.
Hear our prayer
Spirit come.
How I long
for Your sweet touch.
Amen.

been a long while. just wanted to post something so i didn't go any longer without writing a blog.


oh, i don't think i'm going to mexico this summer.


there. there's your fix. see you in a week!



lexi

An email I recieved

*The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher *
*

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of
fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Worship

In light of recent prophecies, finding of old visions, and a renewed appreciation for who God is, I am in the mood to worship!

But, it seems that nothing I am doing, or can do, is, or will ever be, enough to express to my God how thankful I am, or who brilliant He is.

I can sing, shout, dance, spin in circles, speak in tongues, tell others about Him, bow prostrate before Him, weep endlessly, jump in pure elation, say thank you with every coming breath, feed orphans and widows, give to great causes, advance the Kingdom, and yet...none of it seems enough. None of it comes anywhere near even a glimpse of how marvelous my King is!

How frustrating it must be to constantly be in this reality.

How helpless we feel when we cannot contain and simultaneously not express the joy our Lord has given us.

If only You had given us mouths to speak, Adonai, Dayenu!

Aaahhhh! How can I express my love for my God!?
My heart is exploding, but my chest cannot release the full of it's power.

Help me to worship You in spirit and truth. Help me to do all I can to praise you.

You have filled my heart with wonder. You made me to worship. Lead me to worship You.

How He loves us

This has been my jam all day. Praise God! I really enjoy these lyrics.

Oh How He Loves Us–Jesus Culture

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so

Yeah He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

We are His portion, and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy, wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

---

Frustrated Love

Is it possible to be well-adjusted just because you have to?

I really don't know why God chose me.

Sometimes I wish He hadn't. Cause I don't feel worthy. I don't like that there's a price and a gift that I can never repay, or cancel out. And, I mean, I get it. But, man, it would almost be easier if He hadn't. If I had been able to take all the hate and rage and bitterness with me to my early grave. At least then I would have gotten what I deserved. Wouldn't be under some God that expects the most impossible things from me. Expects me to be secure, and solid and trusting. Sometimes, sometimes I just can't! I can't and I don't want to.

And I feel like He loves me too much. Puts too much into me. Into our relationship. The way He is with me. How gentle and loving He approaches me. Like I'm so gentle, and He can't move slow enough, because I might break.

And other times, other times I think that He's rougher with me. And I know it's me, because He never changes. It's always my attitude. And I feel like collapsing into tears so much lately. But I won't, because that's weak. It's not what a strong person does. There is no last straw for those that bear others' secrets. Nor that bear their own.

God, I don't know what to do with this love. You can't expect me to handle this well. Why do you want so much of me? So much for me? Why isn't it enough to just save my soul? Why isn't it enough to call my name? Why can't you be satisfied with the least of me?

What is it that you see that's worth preserving? That's worth dying for? Why do you take pity on me?

I just want to scream and pull at my hair and question Him. But I can't face Him. I just think about Job, and how God responded to him. I don't want to darken the counsel of the Creator of the universe without wisdom and understanding.

I don't get it God. I just don't freaking get it!

Mornin'

Top o' the Mornin' to ya!

Hey there, faithful readers. I am sorry for making all of you go without for so long.

Hope I didn't come off as depressed or crazy. But if I did, at least the crazy part's true.

Anywho, every since I began going to 7am prayer Tuesdays and Thursday, I have been getting woken up early. I mean, God is taking this whole, making me into a Proverbs 31 woman seriously.

I did not set an alarm for this morning, and yet, 8am sharp, who's up? Yep. Me! Um, Jesus...it's Saturday. But, I feel rested, and that is all I really need.

But I wake up with the Spirit of God around me. I can feel Him trying to get closer to me. And I love that. I love that, as soon as I wake, my God is there beside me, and my spirit eagerly desires to commune with Him.

This morning I woke with these lyrics in my mind: I am desperate, desperate, for more of You. And I can't wait another, day to see You move. How my heart is hungry, for the chance, to sit at Your feet, and feel Your presence, feel Your presence in the deepest part of me."

And it was followed by this prayer: God, I AM desperate for you. Only you can fill me and never disappoint me. God, I need you right now. I have never before felt this way, never before felt this need for you. I feel like something new has been woken inside of me, and now it won't go away. God, I need only you. Lord, please be my everything, as you've always been, please continue to be. I need you to fill me God. Keep my eyes on you."

I love my Lord. And I can't wrap my mind around Him loving me. In this time of internal chaos, and external storm, I can feel the might of my God. His power has never left me. His Spirit has never forsaken me. His strength is something that I know is real just as much as I am. My God is a consuming fire! His jealousy for me is righteous and loving. No greater love has a man than to lay down his life for his friend. I know of no other, no not another, king like my King, Jesus.

Thanks for reading this, hope it encourages you. Seek His face. Pray for more. He will deliver, and whatever wait or trial, would have been worth it.

"You are clothed with splendor and majesty. He wraps Himself in light, as with a garment." Psalm 104

Today

This morning, my God woke me up, as He does every morning.

But this time, I think it was to spend some time with me. To give me a little extra for today.

And now, I realize why. Instead of focusing on my love for my Lord, I had wandering eyes, and my steadfast heart wavered a little.

Even though I've memorized Proverbs 4:23 "But above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.", I did poorly in my application of it.

I thank God that my 'crush' was shared with a godly man. Someone who did not take advantage of it. After consulting with others, and praying about it he's decided to not pursue anything, and I agree.

But it does hurt a little. Should it? I don't think so. I let my guard down. Opened myself up to dwell on things I was not, am not, ready for.

So, today, I hope it's okay, to cry a little cry for you.
And, today, I hope it's okay, to shed a few tears for us too.
For tomorrow, it's easy to say, that God's will is where I'll go,
But, please, today, I hope it's okay, to let me feel this sorrow.

Well, today, it may be okay, to look forward and move ahead.
But, tonight, when I'm away from light, and snuggled in my bed,
And, this eve, as I float between, sheet and comforter warm,
that tonight, it will be alright, and I will be unharmed by this storm.

You know, today, I don't feel okay, my shaky hands are a sign,
That, last night, I took it not slight, that you just might be mine.
And, so soon, this afternoon, reality came cold and wet,
that, tonight, I hope it's alright, if I shed a few tears in your stead.

So, today, I hope it's okay, to cry a little cry for you.
And, today, I hope it's okay, to shed a few tears for us too.
For tomorrow, it's easy to say, that God's will is where I'll go,
But, please, today, I hope it's okay, to let me feel this sorrow.

*I'll miss you* (^_^)

This Morning

So, today I was woken up at 7:48am.
There was no alarm, no loud sound. No groggy feeling and desire to return to sleep.
Just a stillness that I knew meant my God wanted to speak with me.
He told me some stuff like, turn to channel 12. The day show was on, I think.
(I think that was just a test of my obedience.)
Anyway, God showed me something like this:
A father, holding his daughter is what looks to be the softest, fluffiest pink blanket ever. And he offers her to a man standing in front of him, with a sorrow so clear in your eyes, you feel it in your own heart. I still feel it. And God seemed to say something like this, : "Such it is when a man gives his daughter away to marriage."
Another vision was the same father, but this time the daughter was a toddler. He was walking her down the aisle.
And God said this, : "Such is it for any man who gives his daughter's hand in marriage."

Understanding? No matter what the age, a father always feels as though he is giving his baby (literally), baby girl to someone else. It is the strength of the father, to give his daughter into another man's protection, to trust another human with his daughter's life, but it is also his sorrow.

Then, God danced with me. La Rumba and the Hustle. While spinning and stepping, I spoke to God my recent worries and prayers. Ending our dance with me hugging his waist, admitting that I wanted to be nothing but His.

I lay on the floor, prostrate in prayer.
I'll try to explain what I saw.
Imagine this: A man walks up, his face is a blur, he has on a tan hat. He walks a few steps, and stops as he reaches a tree with small, round red berries all over it. His hand, only a blur, the fingers are not readily distinguishable, lifts up, and removes a berry from it's own pair of leaves. An older man, the father, watches from the tree, hidden mostly by the other leaves and branches. At this moment, the feeling he has is mostly bitter, the sweet has yet to come.

God whispers this to me, "Like a man picking the choicest berry from a tree, is a daughter plucked from the hands of her father."

Understanding? Parents spend their lives, the better part at least, nurturing us, and attempting to prune all the bad things from us. Time, effort, love and care are poured into us. Yet, a man can come, and, in the blink of an eye, remove us from his (the father's) reach of care and protection.
We (the daughters) now fit in the palm of this new hand. The hand of our husband, trusting that he will never throw us to the ground unwanted, or crush out of us the little juice we can muster with his heel. And our father watches, hoping the same. Though the tree provides everything the berry needs during its time attached to it, once it falls, or is removed, from the tree, the only thing it takes with it, is hope.

Yikes!
Anybody out there have questions, comments, concerns?
Any wise interpretations?
I'm all ears!

To-Do

1. I need to study for my Physics test on Monday.
2. I need to to laundry.
3. I need to do my Physics Homework.
4. I should probably, sometime this year, get around to cleaning my room.
5. I need to do more quiet time.
6. I gotta get a money order.
7. Need to make some dinner.
8. Need to clean the sink in the bathroom.
9. Gotta take the trash, too.
10. Should do my LON-CAPA Pre-Lab.
11. It'd be a good idea to call my mom.
12. Need to check myself, cause I'm losing it.
13. Gotta potty. :P
    

Oh, I ache.

Today, upon sitting up in bed, I was immediately informed that I was sore all over.

My arms, abs and legs all protested as I stood up.

Boy, I have no idea why I'm so sore. I can only think that Sensei worked us really hard in class Friday...but I also did Karate for 4 straight days, instead of twice with a day in-between.

But,

I also ache for my Lord.

How He must have felt when God turned his face away. How He must have ached.

I thank my King for being willing to withstand my torture for me. With no thought of His own comfort.

Thank you, King, for trading your life for mine. I was unworthy then, and I am even more unworthy now.

Humbly, I bow before the throne that is established in love, where a man sits on it in faithfulness.

I look forward to the return of my Lord, but only after his will has been accomplished on this Earth.

Celebrate!

HE is RISEN!

Something Terrifying

So, I just shared the Gospel with someone via Facebook messages.

Wow.

This could go many ways.

But I hope it goes the way of the cross!

Prayer, please, saints. Let's get some cover for this weekend.

Powerful time for the Kingdom. Let's add another crushing blow to Satan's agenda!

Colossians 2:13-15

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

Go Team Jesus!

Birthday Celebration Dinner!

I had such a great time celebrating with the best people tonight!

We went to Applebee's and had a blast.

Those who went were:
Arthur, Alyssa, Quentyn, Derek, Susan, Ross, Grace, Roberto, Joel, Afrika, Lashad, Rajat, Kelsey, Josh, me, Justin, Niegel, Dena, and I think one or two others.

We had a cute waiter who kept winking at everyone, but was good otherwise.

The food was great and I have leftovers. Susan paid for my food.

I had 2 drinks: a Main Street margarita and a Jack and Coke (first whiskey ever). I only paid for one drink.

I laughed a lot. Susan laughed at me a lot.

I got to hold a baby in the bathroom.

I got a free birthday sundae.

I am blessed to have wonderful people to share my life with. Thank you, Lord, for these precious gifts. I love them all, amen.

I have had a wonderful week. I celebrated my birthday, literally, for a week.

And Shanna Miller is taking me to hang out after church tomorrow.

Score!

Whirlwind

Lately, I feel like everything has been changing around me. There was nothing I could do to alter what was happening. There was nothing I could do to slow any of it down.

Some of the things were: a very sick grandmother (who is still very sick, please pray God's will is done), a 12-page paper, one exam, regular classes, work, the Veritas Forum (behind the scenes and the actual event), trying not to crush on someone, responsibilities of my position in my church, changing my major, planning my summer and fall, my birthday, somewhat arguing with God, struggling to keep my quiet time, comforting a friend, keeping up with people and relationships that are too complex for me...

whew!

I just feel like there was so much going on, and nothing I could do about any of it. There were days in there where I just felt like crying and giving up. I just wanted to say, "Screw it." and let everything play out however. But I didn't. God definitely granted me peace in this whirlwind of events.

I was also on this ridiculous emotional roller coaster. I felt like crying, so many days, on so many occasions, for what seemed like no reason. I would be eating and a sorrow like no other would come on me. I would lose my appetite, tear up. I mean, I don't know where this stuff comes from. I know I have been feeling pretty helpless about my grandmother being sick. I can't be there because I am about 4 1/2 hours away, and can give no comfort but a few phone calls a day. And the only one who really knows what's going on is her, and she's too sick to give specifics.

I just, it's been so crazy for me, and I don't know how to deal with all this stuff, except to trust God. And it was hard. I was getting almost angry with God. I was frustrated, and couldn't let it show because it was no one's fault. I had all these bottled up emotions, and no one to vent them to, no way to legitimize my feelings because I had no idea where they were breaching from in the first place.

It has been such a tough last 2 weeks. While they were filled with joy, I couldn't let myself fall into it completely, because there was so much else that I was thinking on.

It has been a crazy whirlwind of emotions, events, happenings, and news the past few weeks, and I'm not sure how I handled it.

Well, I hope. What do you guys think?

So, this is fun

I have some rather superficial news:

1. I think I may have finally developed a crush on someone.

• Now how substantiated or serious this crush is is yet to be determined.
• Hm, it's just really weird. It's been over 2 years since my last relationship, and just as long since I've been interested in anyone.
• It's fun though.
  
• I don't dissolve into giggles around him, if you're wondering.
• I just enjoy his presence.
• Enjoy his smile.
• I wonder...

Well, let's just see what happens next...

I sang this song to my God!

From Isaiah 12 (mostly)

With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation!
With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation! (2 times)

With joy! With joy! With joy (held a little longer)! (maybe not here)

My God is a cistern! My God is a cistern!
My God is a cistern! My God is a cistern!
My God, is a cistern! My God, is a cistern!
My God, is a cistern! My God, is a cistern!

With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation!
With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation! (2 times)

With joy! With joy! With joy (held a little longer)!

Give thanks to the Lord and call on His name
Make known among the nations, all His people proclaim
That His name is exalted, He's done glorious things
Let all the people bow in respect for our King!
Let all the people bow at the throne of our King.
Everyone will bow, at the feet of our King!

For great is the Holy One of Israel among us!
For great is the Holy One of Israel among us.
For great is the Holy One of Israel among us.

With joy! With joy! With joy!

Examples of God not being funny

1. Someone pulling the fire alarm at my apartments. That alarm sounding for 2 hours.
   
2. Being woken up, at 4:44am by the guys above me thumping like little bunny foo-foo.
3. Finding an unknown liquid dripping from my SMOKE DETECTOR at 5:00am.
4. Attempting to see why my ceiling is leaking and being confronted with: confused looks and a what I'm sure is a pretty plastered minor.
   
5. Staying up at 5:15am, waiting for the maintenance men and security.
6. Having only slept ~4 hours tonight and 3 hours last night.
7. Actually LOOKING as if I need more sleep.
   

Oh, the joys of Christianity.

Addendum(edited at ~6:05am): Other things that are not funny.

1. The guys from upstairs telling me they had no plumbing problems, and even invited me to come in and see for myself. I declined.
   
2. At 6:00am, the maintenance man confirming that they had in fact stopped up their toilet and flooded the bathroom.

One thing that is funny:

1. The maintenance man made them soak it up with their own towels.

Goodnight and Good Riddance.

Whew!

What I was faced with today:

1. A crying grandmother
2. Anger at a family member
   
3. A missed class
4. Chalking for the first time!
5. Rain
   
6. Chalking getting rained away
7. Divine appointments
8. Encouragement
9. Challenges
10. A great lesson on faith
11. A stern talking to from God
12. An eye-opening quiet time
    

How I dealt with it:

Not that great. Some things I took in stride, others not so much. For example, I was not enthused about my conversation with God. And I remember Him saying, "I know this isn't what you want to hear."

All in all, it was an easy day. None of my family died. None of my friends had a crisis. I am healthy. My biggest concern is a simple fix for my God.

Oh, God. Teach me to be thankful. Teach me to approach each day with the attitude of Christ. Help me to be alert and open to lessons and opportunities that you allow to fall into my lap. Thank you for the divine appointments. Thank you for answering my prayer to draw nearer to me. Thank you for the ability to experience Your presence, I welcome your Spirit and a greater sensitivity to the spiritual realm. Help me to be a light to my friends and a friend to the lost. Jesus, continue to convict and change me. I am wholly yours. Do with me as you will. Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.

Amen.

A day of days

Things I have faced today:

1. A very sick Grandmother
2. A friend whose parents sleep in separate bedrooms; is on the rocks with their significant other of about 7 years
3. A non-believer who thinks god is a woman
4. A Physics test
5. Financial aid information
6. Hoops with my cell phone company
7. Work
8. Forgetting a commitment
9. A Worthy Lamb.

Here's what I did about those situations (in order):

1. Turned it over to God
2. Told them to turn it over to God
3. Invited them to the Veritas Forum
4. Prayed
5. Rejoiced
6. Dealt with it
7. Did it
8. Apologized
9. Praised.

I feel whooped. And I didn't even really DO anything. God is in control. I am a stinking peon to His greatness. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. My God gave boundaries to the sea, told it where its proud waves were to halt. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.

He is worthy. He is powerful. He is mighty. Praise Him, for his very Essence is love for you. Praise Him. Praise Him. Praise Him.

I feel a relentless joy for my Creator.

Who am I that God is mindful of me.

Show me your face, dear Lord. Show me your beauty. As Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

I welcome your presence. I welcome your Spirit. Empty me God, and fill me with You.

As I lay my life... All things Casting Crowns

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door

I'm trying so hard, to stop trying so hard.
Just let You be who you are, Lord who You are in me.
Jesus I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard,
just let You be who you are, who You are in me.
-----
Somewhere between who I was, and who you're making me,
somewhere in the middle you'll find me.
Just how close can i get Lord, to my surrender,
without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense.
Deep water faith in the shallow end.
And we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences.
the god we want, and the God who IS.
--------

Giver of every breath I breathe
Author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing
To You be the glory
Maker of Heaven and of Earth
No one can comprehend Your worth
King over all the universe
To You be the glory
----------


Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant
---------

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
--------

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you
-------------

For You are awesome, God of the Nations,
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages, Alpha, Omega
You're worthy of all praise
----------



But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "Boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
----------

United States of America
Looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies
That save the trees and kill the children
----------


Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
----------

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
---------

You're the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords
You're the Master of the Universe
You're the Ruler of all Nations
-----------

I will trust and not be afraid.

I love God.

I have just made a pretty big decision, big to me at least. And I can't thank God enough for being faithful. He is right here with me. Never flinching in His devotion to me. Never withdrawing His care. Never hesitating to let me know He already has a plan.

I love my GOD!

There is a lot going on in my life right now, as is always, as in everyone's life. But, I was not handling it very well. And I may have even been to hasty in some things. But my God loves me. He consistently speaks encouragement and truth to me. I can't get far enough away from His love. He is mighty, and He will have His way. (Isa 46:10)

God is Awesome!

He's always there. He has made known the end from the beginning. God is not surprised or stumped by my situations. He is in control.

God, I am sorry for giving you the reigns of my life only to take them back every time I see an obstacle. LORD, forgive me for having fleeting and weak devotion to You. Please help me to trust You more. To be submissive and humble, in all things, in every situation. I will eat what you give me. I will receive all that you have for me. I will be obedient, even to death. Help me, Jesus, to live to be the woman You gave your life for. Amen.

Morning Glory Pt. 3

Don’t let them wander to the wayside,
Pick them up when they fall down.
For every soul is precious,
Every one has been purchased a crown.

And remember, the world hates you,
I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.
Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
And respond as your Savior would.”

I sensed the time was coming,
When I would have to walk ahead.
I knew others were following me
And I must shepherd in my Shepherd’s stead.

Jesus put His arms around me.
He hugged me tight and sure.
“Keep the lamp of your body bright.
Make sure your eyes are pure.

Do not make war with flesh, dear child,
For against flesh you do not fight.
But bind the evil one’s plans
Defeat him with the light.”

I bid farewell, and ran ahead
Running faster than I knew,
I tripped and stumbled, but was caught
In the strong arms of you know Who.

Jesus has all power and might
all strength and authority
But he desires only one thing
To love and be loved by thee.


-Sorry it took me so long (Joel). Hope you all liked it.

Morning Glory, Pt. 2

“It’s okay Jesus. Please, don’t cry.”
Oh, my heart aches.
That I have caused such tears to fall
By making such foolish (so many/the same) mistakes.

“I can help, Lord. I will tell them.
I’ll them of You, that Your love never fails.
That there’s none like you in all the heavens
And that your power and Kingdom always prevails.

I’ll make sure they know, Lord.
I’ll, I’ll do whatever you say.
Just please, please don’t cry Jesus,
I can’t bear to see You hurt this way.”

I'm stumbling and sputtering,
Tears falling from my own eyes.
He’s using His robe to dry them
And He’s shoosh-ing my cries.

“Oh, what can I do to comfort You?
How can I ease your pain?”
“Go, child, to the ends of the earth,
Loving them in My Name.

And when you’re stopped and taunted,
When they try to fill you with shame,
Continue to preach, even in your pain
And never, never cease to proclaim:

‘Jesus reigns. He’s exalted on high.
And when he ascended into the sky
He went to prepare, a place for you and I
And He loves you child, He loves you, YOU were the reason He died.”

Then Jesus shook His head
Said, “Let’s keep going down this road.
Soon many more will join us,
Many souls we will behold.”

Grabbing me by the shoulders,
He looks me in the face,
“EVERY, SINGLE souls matters,
I desire all my beloved to finish this race.

Expectations-Social Situations

So, I guess it's a good thing that my ministry is doing a series about relationship expectations. But, man, I don't know how to do this. I just expect certain things from people. I think that they're pretty basic, but everyone grew up with a different set of rules.

I just am shocked by the lack of respect people have for themselves, others, and property not their own.

It just amazes me that there is so little respect in my generation, and I severely dislike it.

I was recently in a semi-professional meeting, and at the end, one of the participants laid down...okay. But then they put their shoes on the chair.

I don't know how many variations of this there are, but I have heard from a great many people that you never put your shoes on furniture. Your feet, yes, but shoes, no. Feet even have furniture, it's called an ottoman. There IS a reason that there are separate pieces of furniture for feet and bottoms.

I was also schooled that we should treat another person's property how we would like ours to be treated, and this works well in most situations. I would be quite taken aback if someone came over to my home and put their shoes on my couch! So I would never go anywhere and place my shoes on furniture belonging to someone else.

I was so unsure of cultural differences and customs that I conducted a poll. I tried to get a small sample from each socioeconomic status. I randomly called people and asked them, "If there is no precedence, is it ever appropriate to put you shoes (with your feet inside) on a piece of furniture not belonging to you."

All but 2 answers agreed that it was never appropriate to place your shoes on any piece of furniture.

The other 2 responses:
Joel- If they had a really disgusting house.
Brad- If they had just cleaned the floor.

To me, this is part of basic social etiquette. So, for all the 20 somethings and below out there:

Keep your shoes off the furniture!

Morning Glory

Okay, this one I wrote last August. This is only a third of the poem, but it's pretty long so I will do 3 separate posts for it. I hope you like it. May it bring you smiles and a renewed passion for your first Love.

Part 1

I thank you that when I reach up to Heaven
You bring Heaven down to me.
That in You I've found my desire
My bless-ed reason to be.

Jesus came with my cross, says,
“I've been carrying it for a while.
But I knew you’d ask for it back.”
And He returns it with a smile.

Of the million others on His back
None seem to break His stride.
“It’s not the weight that bothers me,
It’s the sins they try to hide.”

We walk ahead in silence,
I'm lost in my own things.
Even as we trudge I can’t help,
But sneak loving glances at my King.

He rewards my glimpses,
Adores the way I peek,
So He pulls me close to Him,
Plants a kiss on my cheek.

I’m glowing under His love
And though my burden is weighing down
My Christ is next to me
And ahead, is my crown.

Jesus studies me slowly
Inquires of His bride,
“You know Satan’s after you?”
Grips me closer to His side.

A shiver goes down my spine,
As I think of the one despised
“He can’t harm you when we’re this close,
But he’s always heavily disguised.”

I know these words are precious.
I focus, and try not to blink.
And it seems I see tears of heartache
Flowing down my Savior’s cheek.

Connection- C.H.

So, this is a poem I wrote this past summer. It was in response to something someone said to me and a conversation that he and I had. I came across it again and figured I should post it, enjoy.

Connection
I'm feeling a connection
I know you feel it too
But I can’t show you affection
Because of you know Who.
It’s bouncing and it’s riding
Along the words we speak
So there’s no use in hiding
The desire we both seek.
But there’s a way and ti-me
For everything we do
And there is no cri-me
In what we’re going through.
But I just cannot let
Emotions rule my world
Because of the effect
It has on this sweet girl.
So bide your time, and wisely
For temptations will be strong
But if we don’t lie idly
Then we can do no wrong.
So don’t use the connection
For things we cannot bear
If we abuse the power
The(n) ‘us’ will not be there.
I've got to let the new-ness
of meeting you assuage
cuz we’re focused on the wrong thing
in this dire day and age.
Don’t let these words alarm you
Because I love you so
But if this doesn’t stop soon…
I’ll have to let you go.

So don’t let the connection
We feel dismiss our goal
Of warning every sin-ner,
Of saving every soul.

I pray that you would feel me
And not take this to heart.
Cuz when we’re not together
It means that we’re apart