Understand this.

He cares.

For no other reason than He himself declares.

But, He cares.

I do believe.

We will never again say ‘Our gods’ to what our own hands have made, for in you the fatherless find compassion.

I got a job!

I have been busting my butt looking for work in all the right/wrong/long shot places. And where do I find it? In front of my face(s) (you know, to make it rhyme).

What else? I am learning things about myself that make me a little uncomfortable. Okay, a lot of uncomfortable.

There were the things that I mostly already knew. Like, I like having a plan because that means that I am in charge and will know immediately if there is any deviation. Knew that. Didn't know, that when I don't have a plan on my person, I notice. Today, I realized that I did not have a list of who was supposed to be doing Kid's Church. So, if anyone asked me, I would not have been able to answer honestly...Does that rock anybody else's boat? I was mentally chastising myself for not writing the names in my planner (which, by the way, I did have with me).

I do not trust God. I trust Him for salvation (most of the time). I trust Him to provide (usually). But, that's pretty much where it stops. I am firm. I know there is a God. I know who He revealed himself to be. I know that He is just and good and righteous. I am firm in these things. But I don't trust Him to fulfill my emotional needs. I don't rely on Him when I have a bad day besides knowing that He cares, yet going elsewhere to ease whatever ache I feel. I am assured of His consistency. But I cannot recall times when I have sought, relied on, or experienced emotional support from Him. I mean, that's hard to do when I don't go to Him. Peace has come. But not really relief.

My self diagnosis is that I trust His actions, His motives, and His character. But, He doesn't seem emotional to me. I know He wept. I know His heart was grieved. I know He turned His face away in anger. But his emotions don't make sense to me. He always knows how things will end, always and forever. So I have a hard time trusting in that. Like Donny said, "If it's not a logical pain to me, then I won't cry." If He knows all, then how is any pain not logical, not simple, not purposeful. How is it worth crying over?

All that to say, I need to understand that. Because how can I trust His Creation's emotions, if I don't trust His? How can I rely on a human if I can't rely on the One who made him or her? How could I ever relate? How could I ever sympathize? How could I ever marry?

Is it even okay for God to be sad? Is it even plausible?

Chaos (spoken word?)

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

This song is my anthem right now. Everything going on right now, especially emotionally, feels like absolute chaos. I am definitely not in control, and though I hate it, God loves it. I'm finally learning what it feels like to give over control to the One who knows what's best for me. It feels like falling. It feels like losing touch. It feels like chaos. And it's exhilarating. It's breath-taking. It's marvelous. And now that I've tasted it, I can't get enough. I can't let go now. I can't turn around. I can't leave the One who is enamored with me. The One who I am betrothed to. The One who has taken my life into His hands. His hands that are firm. His hands that are sure. His hands that will never let me go. And I can't turn around. And I can't give up. And I can't turn my back. This is it. This is what I live for. This is what I desire. This, this feeling. This reality. This loss of control. This, chaos. This chaos that has consumed me. This consuming fire. This refiner's fire. It is what I longed for. And now that I am in it, I'm not getting out. I'm not giving up. I'm not going to run. So, whatever you're doing, inside of me. It feels like chaos, but it, too, makes me free.

Christ the King.

These are my Confessions...

I wrote this yesterday, while thinking about my current situation and what I needed to do to reconcile myself back to my Dad. Sorry if you don't understand all of it. I already read it to God, so He's okay with me sharing it. Haha.

Here goes:

Lord, I'm sorry that I need you
yet give you none of me.
I apologize for ignoring you
though you are who set me free.
And I wish I did not need you, Lord.
Believe me, this is true.
Because then I wouldn't harm you, Lord.
My sins would not be grieving you.
I confess my sins to you, O God
and lay it down before your feet.
I am ashamed to say, today, O God
that many of them repeat.
For the lusting thoughts, O God
for the joking of the ring
I turned my heart to a new man.
I turned away from you, my King.
I get so caught up in the thoughts
of dreaming of what is ahead
that I don't choose the narrow path,
bring a stranger to my Lover's bed.
And I have visions of you, God,
things I can dwell on in truth.
Like learning not to run away
from the Husband of my youth.
Do not let these sins remain.
Do not allow me to contain
gifts that power give domain
and from bragging, I don't refrain.
Deal with me as you see fit.
Your kingdom, I'm a part of it
But, in judgement, remember this...
Turn the page. I'm on the list.

Any comments?

Desperate

I am desperate, desperate, for more of You
and I can't wait another day to see You move
how my heart is hungry for the chance
to sit at Your feet and feel Your presence
feel Your presence in the deepest part of me.

Sometimes, sometimes I feel so desperate for a touch from my Lord that I am near tears.
Sometimes, just the thought of Him is enough for my heart to beat irregularly.
Sometimes, I feel a great wave of emotion for no other reason than His existence.
Sometimes, I feel like letting go, but don't know how, and don;t know if I'll regret it later.

Today, is one of those sometimes.
I feel like almost anything could bring me to tears right now.
I don't know how much my 'strong ' facade can take.
I'm not sure if I'll lose it today.

God, I am desperate for You. I am desperate for You to do something in my life. I am desperate for you to take over, because I can't lead this life on my own. Dad, I need you. During worship Sunday, you stood before me and I sang a song something like this to You Lord: "I remember, when you were with me. And then You left me, no, I left You. But I feel You now, please come back to me. I feel Your Presence-I need You. I need You. I need You. I need You." That still holds true for me, Father, even now. You are my hope. I like the song: In You we live, Lord, In You we move. In You we breathe, and have our being." How true, God. How true that all we are is because of You. That this chance at life is because of the sacrifice of your Son's.
Hear our prayer
Spirit come.
How I long
for Your sweet touch.
Amen.

Frustrated Love

Is it possible to be well-adjusted just because you have to?

I really don't know why God chose me.

Sometimes I wish He hadn't. Cause I don't feel worthy. I don't like that there's a price and a gift that I can never repay, or cancel out. And, I mean, I get it. But, man, it would almost be easier if He hadn't. If I had been able to take all the hate and rage and bitterness with me to my early grave. At least then I would have gotten what I deserved. Wouldn't be under some God that expects the most impossible things from me. Expects me to be secure, and solid and trusting. Sometimes, sometimes I just can't! I can't and I don't want to.

And I feel like He loves me too much. Puts too much into me. Into our relationship. The way He is with me. How gentle and loving He approaches me. Like I'm so gentle, and He can't move slow enough, because I might break.

And other times, other times I think that He's rougher with me. And I know it's me, because He never changes. It's always my attitude. And I feel like collapsing into tears so much lately. But I won't, because that's weak. It's not what a strong person does. There is no last straw for those that bear others' secrets. Nor that bear their own.

God, I don't know what to do with this love. You can't expect me to handle this well. Why do you want so much of me? So much for me? Why isn't it enough to just save my soul? Why isn't it enough to call my name? Why can't you be satisfied with the least of me?

What is it that you see that's worth preserving? That's worth dying for? Why do you take pity on me?

I just want to scream and pull at my hair and question Him. But I can't face Him. I just think about Job, and how God responded to him. I don't want to darken the counsel of the Creator of the universe without wisdom and understanding.

I don't get it God. I just don't freaking get it!

Mornin'

Top o' the Mornin' to ya!

Hey there, faithful readers. I am sorry for making all of you go without for so long.

Hope I didn't come off as depressed or crazy. But if I did, at least the crazy part's true.

Anywho, every since I began going to 7am prayer Tuesdays and Thursday, I have been getting woken up early. I mean, God is taking this whole, making me into a Proverbs 31 woman seriously.

I did not set an alarm for this morning, and yet, 8am sharp, who's up? Yep. Me! Um, Jesus...it's Saturday. But, I feel rested, and that is all I really need.

But I wake up with the Spirit of God around me. I can feel Him trying to get closer to me. And I love that. I love that, as soon as I wake, my God is there beside me, and my spirit eagerly desires to commune with Him.

This morning I woke with these lyrics in my mind: I am desperate, desperate, for more of You. And I can't wait another, day to see You move. How my heart is hungry, for the chance, to sit at Your feet, and feel Your presence, feel Your presence in the deepest part of me."

And it was followed by this prayer: God, I AM desperate for you. Only you can fill me and never disappoint me. God, I need you right now. I have never before felt this way, never before felt this need for you. I feel like something new has been woken inside of me, and now it won't go away. God, I need only you. Lord, please be my everything, as you've always been, please continue to be. I need you to fill me God. Keep my eyes on you."

I love my Lord. And I can't wrap my mind around Him loving me. In this time of internal chaos, and external storm, I can feel the might of my God. His power has never left me. His Spirit has never forsaken me. His strength is something that I know is real just as much as I am. My God is a consuming fire! His jealousy for me is righteous and loving. No greater love has a man than to lay down his life for his friend. I know of no other, no not another, king like my King, Jesus.

Thanks for reading this, hope it encourages you. Seek His face. Pray for more. He will deliver, and whatever wait or trial, would have been worth it.

"You are clothed with splendor and majesty. He wraps Himself in light, as with a garment." Psalm 104

Today

This morning, my God woke me up, as He does every morning.

But this time, I think it was to spend some time with me. To give me a little extra for today.

And now, I realize why. Instead of focusing on my love for my Lord, I had wandering eyes, and my steadfast heart wavered a little.

Even though I've memorized Proverbs 4:23 "But above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.", I did poorly in my application of it.

I thank God that my 'crush' was shared with a godly man. Someone who did not take advantage of it. After consulting with others, and praying about it he's decided to not pursue anything, and I agree.

But it does hurt a little. Should it? I don't think so. I let my guard down. Opened myself up to dwell on things I was not, am not, ready for.

So, today, I hope it's okay, to cry a little cry for you.
And, today, I hope it's okay, to shed a few tears for us too.
For tomorrow, it's easy to say, that God's will is where I'll go,
But, please, today, I hope it's okay, to let me feel this sorrow.

Well, today, it may be okay, to look forward and move ahead.
But, tonight, when I'm away from light, and snuggled in my bed,
And, this eve, as I float between, sheet and comforter warm,
that tonight, it will be alright, and I will be unharmed by this storm.

You know, today, I don't feel okay, my shaky hands are a sign,
That, last night, I took it not slight, that you just might be mine.
And, so soon, this afternoon, reality came cold and wet,
that, tonight, I hope it's alright, if I shed a few tears in your stead.

So, today, I hope it's okay, to cry a little cry for you.
And, today, I hope it's okay, to shed a few tears for us too.
For tomorrow, it's easy to say, that God's will is where I'll go,
But, please, today, I hope it's okay, to let me feel this sorrow.

*I'll miss you* (^_^)

Whirlwind

Lately, I feel like everything has been changing around me. There was nothing I could do to alter what was happening. There was nothing I could do to slow any of it down.

Some of the things were: a very sick grandmother (who is still very sick, please pray God's will is done), a 12-page paper, one exam, regular classes, work, the Veritas Forum (behind the scenes and the actual event), trying not to crush on someone, responsibilities of my position in my church, changing my major, planning my summer and fall, my birthday, somewhat arguing with God, struggling to keep my quiet time, comforting a friend, keeping up with people and relationships that are too complex for me...

whew!

I just feel like there was so much going on, and nothing I could do about any of it. There were days in there where I just felt like crying and giving up. I just wanted to say, "Screw it." and let everything play out however. But I didn't. God definitely granted me peace in this whirlwind of events.

I was also on this ridiculous emotional roller coaster. I felt like crying, so many days, on so many occasions, for what seemed like no reason. I would be eating and a sorrow like no other would come on me. I would lose my appetite, tear up. I mean, I don't know where this stuff comes from. I know I have been feeling pretty helpless about my grandmother being sick. I can't be there because I am about 4 1/2 hours away, and can give no comfort but a few phone calls a day. And the only one who really knows what's going on is her, and she's too sick to give specifics.

I just, it's been so crazy for me, and I don't know how to deal with all this stuff, except to trust God. And it was hard. I was getting almost angry with God. I was frustrated, and couldn't let it show because it was no one's fault. I had all these bottled up emotions, and no one to vent them to, no way to legitimize my feelings because I had no idea where they were breaching from in the first place.

It has been such a tough last 2 weeks. While they were filled with joy, I couldn't let myself fall into it completely, because there was so much else that I was thinking on.

It has been a crazy whirlwind of emotions, events, happenings, and news the past few weeks, and I'm not sure how I handled it.

Well, I hope. What do you guys think?

So, this is fun

I have some rather superficial news:

1. I think I may have finally developed a crush on someone.

• Now how substantiated or serious this crush is is yet to be determined.
• Hm, it's just really weird. It's been over 2 years since my last relationship, and just as long since I've been interested in anyone.
• It's fun though.
  
• I don't dissolve into giggles around him, if you're wondering.
• I just enjoy his presence.
• Enjoy his smile.
• I wonder...

Well, let's just see what happens next...

Whew!

What I was faced with today:

1. A crying grandmother
2. Anger at a family member
   
3. A missed class
4. Chalking for the first time!
5. Rain
   
6. Chalking getting rained away
7. Divine appointments
8. Encouragement
9. Challenges
10. A great lesson on faith
11. A stern talking to from God
12. An eye-opening quiet time
    

How I dealt with it:

Not that great. Some things I took in stride, others not so much. For example, I was not enthused about my conversation with God. And I remember Him saying, "I know this isn't what you want to hear."

All in all, it was an easy day. None of my family died. None of my friends had a crisis. I am healthy. My biggest concern is a simple fix for my God.

Oh, God. Teach me to be thankful. Teach me to approach each day with the attitude of Christ. Help me to be alert and open to lessons and opportunities that you allow to fall into my lap. Thank you for the divine appointments. Thank you for answering my prayer to draw nearer to me. Thank you for the ability to experience Your presence, I welcome your Spirit and a greater sensitivity to the spiritual realm. Help me to be a light to my friends and a friend to the lost. Jesus, continue to convict and change me. I am wholly yours. Do with me as you will. Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.

Amen.

A day of days

Things I have faced today:

1. A very sick Grandmother
2. A friend whose parents sleep in separate bedrooms; is on the rocks with their significant other of about 7 years
3. A non-believer who thinks god is a woman
4. A Physics test
5. Financial aid information
6. Hoops with my cell phone company
7. Work
8. Forgetting a commitment
9. A Worthy Lamb.

Here's what I did about those situations (in order):

1. Turned it over to God
2. Told them to turn it over to God
3. Invited them to the Veritas Forum
4. Prayed
5. Rejoiced
6. Dealt with it
7. Did it
8. Apologized
9. Praised.

I feel whooped. And I didn't even really DO anything. God is in control. I am a stinking peon to His greatness. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. My God gave boundaries to the sea, told it where its proud waves were to halt. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.

He is worthy. He is powerful. He is mighty. Praise Him, for his very Essence is love for you. Praise Him. Praise Him. Praise Him.

I feel a relentless joy for my Creator.

Who am I that God is mindful of me.

Show me your face, dear Lord. Show me your beauty. As Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

I welcome your presence. I welcome your Spirit. Empty me God, and fill me with You.

As I lay my life... All things Casting Crowns

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door

I'm trying so hard, to stop trying so hard.
Just let You be who you are, Lord who You are in me.
Jesus I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard,
just let You be who you are, who You are in me.
-----
Somewhere between who I was, and who you're making me,
somewhere in the middle you'll find me.
Just how close can i get Lord, to my surrender,
without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense.
Deep water faith in the shallow end.
And we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences.
the god we want, and the God who IS.
--------

Giver of every breath I breathe
Author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing
To You be the glory
Maker of Heaven and of Earth
No one can comprehend Your worth
King over all the universe
To You be the glory
----------


Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant
---------

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
--------

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you
-------------

For You are awesome, God of the Nations,
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages, Alpha, Omega
You're worthy of all praise
----------



But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "Boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
----------

United States of America
Looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies
That save the trees and kill the children
----------


Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
----------

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
---------

You're the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords
You're the Master of the Universe
You're the Ruler of all Nations
-----------

I will trust and not be afraid.

I love God.

I have just made a pretty big decision, big to me at least. And I can't thank God enough for being faithful. He is right here with me. Never flinching in His devotion to me. Never withdrawing His care. Never hesitating to let me know He already has a plan.

I love my GOD!

There is a lot going on in my life right now, as is always, as in everyone's life. But, I was not handling it very well. And I may have even been to hasty in some things. But my God loves me. He consistently speaks encouragement and truth to me. I can't get far enough away from His love. He is mighty, and He will have His way. (Isa 46:10)

God is Awesome!

He's always there. He has made known the end from the beginning. God is not surprised or stumped by my situations. He is in control.

God, I am sorry for giving you the reigns of my life only to take them back every time I see an obstacle. LORD, forgive me for having fleeting and weak devotion to You. Please help me to trust You more. To be submissive and humble, in all things, in every situation. I will eat what you give me. I will receive all that you have for me. I will be obedient, even to death. Help me, Jesus, to live to be the woman You gave your life for. Amen.

Morning Glory Pt. 3

Don’t let them wander to the wayside,
Pick them up when they fall down.
For every soul is precious,
Every one has been purchased a crown.

And remember, the world hates you,
I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.
Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
And respond as your Savior would.”

I sensed the time was coming,
When I would have to walk ahead.
I knew others were following me
And I must shepherd in my Shepherd’s stead.

Jesus put His arms around me.
He hugged me tight and sure.
“Keep the lamp of your body bright.
Make sure your eyes are pure.

Do not make war with flesh, dear child,
For against flesh you do not fight.
But bind the evil one’s plans
Defeat him with the light.”

I bid farewell, and ran ahead
Running faster than I knew,
I tripped and stumbled, but was caught
In the strong arms of you know Who.

Jesus has all power and might
all strength and authority
But he desires only one thing
To love and be loved by thee.


-Sorry it took me so long (Joel). Hope you all liked it.

Morning Glory, Pt. 2

“It’s okay Jesus. Please, don’t cry.”
Oh, my heart aches.
That I have caused such tears to fall
By making such foolish (so many/the same) mistakes.

“I can help, Lord. I will tell them.
I’ll them of You, that Your love never fails.
That there’s none like you in all the heavens
And that your power and Kingdom always prevails.

I’ll make sure they know, Lord.
I’ll, I’ll do whatever you say.
Just please, please don’t cry Jesus,
I can’t bear to see You hurt this way.”

I'm stumbling and sputtering,
Tears falling from my own eyes.
He’s using His robe to dry them
And He’s shoosh-ing my cries.

“Oh, what can I do to comfort You?
How can I ease your pain?”
“Go, child, to the ends of the earth,
Loving them in My Name.

And when you’re stopped and taunted,
When they try to fill you with shame,
Continue to preach, even in your pain
And never, never cease to proclaim:

‘Jesus reigns. He’s exalted on high.
And when he ascended into the sky
He went to prepare, a place for you and I
And He loves you child, He loves you, YOU were the reason He died.”

Then Jesus shook His head
Said, “Let’s keep going down this road.
Soon many more will join us,
Many souls we will behold.”

Grabbing me by the shoulders,
He looks me in the face,
“EVERY, SINGLE souls matters,
I desire all my beloved to finish this race.

Connection- C.H.

So, this is a poem I wrote this past summer. It was in response to something someone said to me and a conversation that he and I had. I came across it again and figured I should post it, enjoy.

Connection
I'm feeling a connection
I know you feel it too
But I can’t show you affection
Because of you know Who.
It’s bouncing and it’s riding
Along the words we speak
So there’s no use in hiding
The desire we both seek.
But there’s a way and ti-me
For everything we do
And there is no cri-me
In what we’re going through.
But I just cannot let
Emotions rule my world
Because of the effect
It has on this sweet girl.
So bide your time, and wisely
For temptations will be strong
But if we don’t lie idly
Then we can do no wrong.
So don’t use the connection
For things we cannot bear
If we abuse the power
The(n) ‘us’ will not be there.
I've got to let the new-ness
of meeting you assuage
cuz we’re focused on the wrong thing
in this dire day and age.
Don’t let these words alarm you
Because I love you so
But if this doesn’t stop soon…
I’ll have to let you go.

So don’t let the connection
We feel dismiss our goal
Of warning every sin-ner,
Of saving every soul.

I pray that you would feel me
And not take this to heart.
Cuz when we’re not together
It means that we’re apart

Jesus wept...

So, lately, I have been having the urge to cry. Not boo-hoo, but just to cry. I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is that God is answering my prayer to break my heart for what breaks His, and give me compassion for what gives Him compassion, to love what He loves and hate what He hates.

Um, I guess that's all for now. I just wanted to post something. If anyone has a scripture they would like me to blog about, I'd love the challenge.

I love all of you more than I know.

In Christ,

lexi

Look hard enough...

...and you will find a flaw in everything.

Lately, man, lately I have seen multiple flaws in everyone. And I mean everyone, including myself. It seems as if the past few weeks have been a time of my eyes opening to the fact that people are flawed. Can I just say this before I go on: I HATE seeing flaws in people. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. There is nothing that I wouldn't choose over discovering another person's flaws.

No matter what, who, or why, every single day I have noticed flaws in at least one person. And it sucks majorly. So, now, I have to dissect why I expect certain people to meet certain standards, if they are meeting them, and what right or reason I have to be disappointed.

Man, I feel so heavy right now. I wish I had never seen the things I have this past month. And I don't know if it's God or what, but I know of no one in Tallahassee that has not let me down in some way this semester. And that makes me really sad. But again, why do I feel let down? What is my personal stake in their actions?

Another thing, I am not responding well to it. I have not yet learned how to process character and personality flaws while still interacting normally with the person. Their personal shortcomings affect me directly. I have not mastered letting my spirit take over when my mind is reeling from what just happened. I guess one day I'll get it down. Until then, I am amazed at how much I missed in the people around me.

*slightly distressed*

lexi

Lately...

So, this is not a post about my undying lust for a husband. It is, however, about the different feelings I have been going through lately. So, if you like, MEN, stop reading here. I'm gonna get a little transparent.

As Derek has said, it has been the summer of love for ENCM. And I love seeing people get together, I am a sucker for a cute couple. And in no way am I dissatisfied with my King, but my thoughts have wandered a bit, lately.

Previously, I was under the incorrect assumption that you have to be completely satisfied with God before He would put you in a relationship, now I know better. Anyway, on to more important tangents, I have a problem that I will briefly (ha!) share with you.

So, I met a guy over summer who is pretty set on being with me. He has told me, and I quote, "I will wait years, if I have to. I want to call you 'Sweetheart'."

So, only a few problems with that, um, I am not, as far as I see it, in any position to be married, and he, at this point, cannot be my spiritual leader. Another problem, I want to be someone's sweetheart, and I just about melt when he says it. Does he know this, no, but I have told him before to stop calling me anything other than my name, but every once in a while he will anyway. Lastly, it's not that I'm not attracted to the guy, but IF there were a time for us, it is definitely not now.

And another thing, I get hit on... a lot. And not to brag, because it really makes me uncomfortable. No matter where I go, I am sought out and, like, bothered. The only thing I can think of is that they see the Jesus in me and want that love, but I, personally, cannot deliver it.

It's been a while, and I am beginning to learn about myself. I know my weaknesses and desires. I know that someone calling me sweetheart is going to going bad pretty quickly, I also know that certain ways that men touch me will send me reeling. Not in a "head over heels in love with you because you put your arm around my waist". More like in a "I would like my husband to do that", kind of deal.

Whatever, lately, it's just been crazy. I had someone ask me, "As a Christian, do you go through a million changes every day over relationships and stuff?"
And my response was as true as I could make it, "It's not easy, but I know why I'm doing it. But it is a minute by minute battle sometimes, especially when maternal desires are triggered in me. I want to be a good mother, and a good wife, but first I have to be a good daughter. And I remind myself 'God is not keeping me from something, but for something.' "

So, in conclusion of a ramble, lately, a new desire for someone to lay next to at night has been kindled, and I don't know if it's me or God. I know in part that it is my desire. I know that I desire affection that can be returned with a pure heart, and a clean marriage bed. But I also know that I want to do crazy stuff all around the world and the country before I have obligations such as a husband or children. How do I reconcile that with God's time line, which is definitely not my own?

Prayer, please, saints. I love all of you and you are all forever in my prayers. Have a nice night.

lexi

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. -Hebrews 13:4

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?-Ecclesiastes 4:11

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.-Genesis 3:16

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. -Ephesians 5:3

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -Ephesians 2:10