An Experiment, of sorts

Reading lyrics to songs makes me want to write. Write like I used to. When I would put my feelings to words, and the words would put feeling to themselves. There was a time when I was aware of what emotions I was feeling. A time when it was at least tempered if not filtered. And that time saw endless ups and downs, but at least they were marked clearly. And some of it embarrassed me, and some I won't permit you to see...but it was me. It was raw and unchanged. And it gave me a sense to make sense of this rage and now I can't find it, it's difficult to see because it's been so long that I long to be me. And what of this confusion? Confused I can't be. But the record keeps playing, what used to be me. And the sound of the lyrics is haunting my dreams and I can't keep the writing from coming in screams. There's no need to appease this beast that's in me, but it's me that I long for and me I can't see. Now the writing is coming and it's taunting in jest, but i like that it's flowing-I don't need any rest. Cause the moment is here now, and release is in sight, cause there's no other way to be fighting this fight and if you try to stop me, I'll bulldoze you down, cause the lost isn't lost now and I have been found.

Now on to the next verse, and on to the ground, there's no turning back...there's no slowing down. The only way is through, cause I've been around, and it always ends up that I'm not up, but down. And the fact that it's round, and the clown isn't brown, and now what I'm writing to you seems unsound. But it's real, can't you see it? The words are alive. And just try, can't you breathe it? It leaves in a sigh. Such a marvelous feeling, the escape of the kept, no longer hiding, no longer swept- By the winds and the rains and the fairytale songs. But out it keeps drawing and it's drawing you along. But it's okay to feel it. It's fine to be lost. Nope, there's no way to kill it, for you've counted the cost. And to stop now, oh now, would be a mistake. You signed on the line and accepted the stakes. So keep on to the third, I promise a prize. But you'll never find it if you look with your eyes...

Alas, to the third verse. And what, you discover? There's no need to brood. There's no need to hover. You're closer than ever, just reach our your arm. That's it, you feel it. No call for alarm. The freedom. You taste it? It's ever so true. It belongs to me... I belong to you. So, come, let us share it, there's more than enough. This freedom is tested. This freedom is tough. But it comes with a price that is higher than most, and I don't mean to boast, but here comes a toast: I've done it, my love. I've found it again. The joy that overcomes when I'm strapped with a pen. And the, feeling's momentous, I don't want to let go. But I know there are others who're part of this show. But, the last words, I'll end on, boy they'll be a treat. I only wish, this was put, to a beat...


To the one who is true, and the one whom I love, this toast is for you, from your only dove.

Websites on religion

http://www.leaderu.com/jhs/dallas-expanded.html

http://www.leaderu.com/jhs/dallas.html#Religious2

http://peacebyjesus.witnesstoday.org/IsHomosexualitySin.html

http://peacebyjesus.witnesstoday.org/Homosexuality_and_the_Bible_Wink.html

http://www.utlm.org/testimony/chworldtestimony.htm

http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-walter-wink

http://www.religionfacts.com/christianity/charts/christianity_islam.htm

http://www.dianedew.com/islam.htm

http://www.faithfreedom.org/oped/JamesByrne30526.htm

http://www.religionfacts.com/jehovahs_witnesses/comparison.htm

http://www.religionfacts.com/jehovahs_witnesses/comparison.htm

http://www.cftf.com/booklets/jwslisten/pingpong.htm

http://www.godandscience.org/cults/jwdiff.html

http://contenderministries.org/jehovahswitnesses/comparison.php

http://www.christiananswers.net/menu-ar1.html

Oops

So, no real thing to blog about now. I have karate at 7am, and I need to get to bed. I will work on blogging. Don't have my computer right now, so it's hard to keep up with everything. Hope you all are doing fine. Feel free to comment whatever on this blog. Love you all.

lexi

Weigh In

Read:

"How can we convince them to take the medicine if we can’t convince them they are sick? Sin destroys…that is part of our message."

I saw this quote in response to another blog.

From any corner, view and issue you want to take it from, tell me your thoughts on this quote.

I'll blog about it in a few days myself.

been a long while. just wanted to post something so i didn't go any longer without writing a blog.


oh, i don't think i'm going to mexico this summer.


there. there's your fix. see you in a week!



lexi

How He loves us

This has been my jam all day. Praise God! I really enjoy these lyrics.

Oh How He Loves Us–Jesus Culture

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so

Yeah He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

We are His portion, and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy, wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

---

Today

This morning, my God woke me up, as He does every morning.

But this time, I think it was to spend some time with me. To give me a little extra for today.

And now, I realize why. Instead of focusing on my love for my Lord, I had wandering eyes, and my steadfast heart wavered a little.

Even though I've memorized Proverbs 4:23 "But above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.", I did poorly in my application of it.

I thank God that my 'crush' was shared with a godly man. Someone who did not take advantage of it. After consulting with others, and praying about it he's decided to not pursue anything, and I agree.

But it does hurt a little. Should it? I don't think so. I let my guard down. Opened myself up to dwell on things I was not, am not, ready for.

So, today, I hope it's okay, to cry a little cry for you.
And, today, I hope it's okay, to shed a few tears for us too.
For tomorrow, it's easy to say, that God's will is where I'll go,
But, please, today, I hope it's okay, to let me feel this sorrow.

Well, today, it may be okay, to look forward and move ahead.
But, tonight, when I'm away from light, and snuggled in my bed,
And, this eve, as I float between, sheet and comforter warm,
that tonight, it will be alright, and I will be unharmed by this storm.

You know, today, I don't feel okay, my shaky hands are a sign,
That, last night, I took it not slight, that you just might be mine.
And, so soon, this afternoon, reality came cold and wet,
that, tonight, I hope it's alright, if I shed a few tears in your stead.

So, today, I hope it's okay, to cry a little cry for you.
And, today, I hope it's okay, to shed a few tears for us too.
For tomorrow, it's easy to say, that God's will is where I'll go,
But, please, today, I hope it's okay, to let me feel this sorrow.

*I'll miss you* (^_^)

To-Do

1. I need to study for my Physics test on Monday.
2. I need to to laundry.
3. I need to do my Physics Homework.
4. I should probably, sometime this year, get around to cleaning my room.
5. I need to do more quiet time.
6. I gotta get a money order.
7. Need to make some dinner.
8. Need to clean the sink in the bathroom.
9. Gotta take the trash, too.
10. Should do my LON-CAPA Pre-Lab.
11. It'd be a good idea to call my mom.
12. Need to check myself, cause I'm losing it.
13. Gotta potty. :P
    

Oh, I ache.

Today, upon sitting up in bed, I was immediately informed that I was sore all over.

My arms, abs and legs all protested as I stood up.

Boy, I have no idea why I'm so sore. I can only think that Sensei worked us really hard in class Friday...but I also did Karate for 4 straight days, instead of twice with a day in-between.

But,

I also ache for my Lord.

How He must have felt when God turned his face away. How He must have ached.

I thank my King for being willing to withstand my torture for me. With no thought of His own comfort.

Thank you, King, for trading your life for mine. I was unworthy then, and I am even more unworthy now.

Humbly, I bow before the throne that is established in love, where a man sits on it in faithfulness.

I look forward to the return of my Lord, but only after his will has been accomplished on this Earth.

Celebrate!

HE is RISEN!

Something Terrifying

So, I just shared the Gospel with someone via Facebook messages.

Wow.

This could go many ways.

But I hope it goes the way of the cross!

Prayer, please, saints. Let's get some cover for this weekend.

Powerful time for the Kingdom. Let's add another crushing blow to Satan's agenda!

Colossians 2:13-15

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

Go Team Jesus!

Birthday Celebration Dinner!

I had such a great time celebrating with the best people tonight!

We went to Applebee's and had a blast.

Those who went were:
Arthur, Alyssa, Quentyn, Derek, Susan, Ross, Grace, Roberto, Joel, Afrika, Lashad, Rajat, Kelsey, Josh, me, Justin, Niegel, Dena, and I think one or two others.

We had a cute waiter who kept winking at everyone, but was good otherwise.

The food was great and I have leftovers. Susan paid for my food.

I had 2 drinks: a Main Street margarita and a Jack and Coke (first whiskey ever). I only paid for one drink.

I laughed a lot. Susan laughed at me a lot.

I got to hold a baby in the bathroom.

I got a free birthday sundae.

I am blessed to have wonderful people to share my life with. Thank you, Lord, for these precious gifts. I love them all, amen.

I have had a wonderful week. I celebrated my birthday, literally, for a week.

And Shanna Miller is taking me to hang out after church tomorrow.

Score!

Whirlwind

Lately, I feel like everything has been changing around me. There was nothing I could do to alter what was happening. There was nothing I could do to slow any of it down.

Some of the things were: a very sick grandmother (who is still very sick, please pray God's will is done), a 12-page paper, one exam, regular classes, work, the Veritas Forum (behind the scenes and the actual event), trying not to crush on someone, responsibilities of my position in my church, changing my major, planning my summer and fall, my birthday, somewhat arguing with God, struggling to keep my quiet time, comforting a friend, keeping up with people and relationships that are too complex for me...

whew!

I just feel like there was so much going on, and nothing I could do about any of it. There were days in there where I just felt like crying and giving up. I just wanted to say, "Screw it." and let everything play out however. But I didn't. God definitely granted me peace in this whirlwind of events.

I was also on this ridiculous emotional roller coaster. I felt like crying, so many days, on so many occasions, for what seemed like no reason. I would be eating and a sorrow like no other would come on me. I would lose my appetite, tear up. I mean, I don't know where this stuff comes from. I know I have been feeling pretty helpless about my grandmother being sick. I can't be there because I am about 4 1/2 hours away, and can give no comfort but a few phone calls a day. And the only one who really knows what's going on is her, and she's too sick to give specifics.

I just, it's been so crazy for me, and I don't know how to deal with all this stuff, except to trust God. And it was hard. I was getting almost angry with God. I was frustrated, and couldn't let it show because it was no one's fault. I had all these bottled up emotions, and no one to vent them to, no way to legitimize my feelings because I had no idea where they were breaching from in the first place.

It has been such a tough last 2 weeks. While they were filled with joy, I couldn't let myself fall into it completely, because there was so much else that I was thinking on.

It has been a crazy whirlwind of emotions, events, happenings, and news the past few weeks, and I'm not sure how I handled it.

Well, I hope. What do you guys think?

So, this is fun

I have some rather superficial news:

1. I think I may have finally developed a crush on someone.

• Now how substantiated or serious this crush is is yet to be determined.
• Hm, it's just really weird. It's been over 2 years since my last relationship, and just as long since I've been interested in anyone.
• It's fun though.
  
• I don't dissolve into giggles around him, if you're wondering.
• I just enjoy his presence.
• Enjoy his smile.
• I wonder...

Well, let's just see what happens next...

I sang this song to my God!

From Isaiah 12 (mostly)

With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation!
With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation! (2 times)

With joy! With joy! With joy (held a little longer)! (maybe not here)

My God is a cistern! My God is a cistern!
My God is a cistern! My God is a cistern!
My God, is a cistern! My God, is a cistern!
My God, is a cistern! My God, is a cistern!

With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation!
With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation! (2 times)

With joy! With joy! With joy (held a little longer)!

Give thanks to the Lord and call on His name
Make known among the nations, all His people proclaim
That His name is exalted, He's done glorious things
Let all the people bow in respect for our King!
Let all the people bow at the throne of our King.
Everyone will bow, at the feet of our King!

For great is the Holy One of Israel among us!
For great is the Holy One of Israel among us.
For great is the Holy One of Israel among us.

With joy! With joy! With joy!

Examples of God not being funny

1. Someone pulling the fire alarm at my apartments. That alarm sounding for 2 hours.
   
2. Being woken up, at 4:44am by the guys above me thumping like little bunny foo-foo.
3. Finding an unknown liquid dripping from my SMOKE DETECTOR at 5:00am.
4. Attempting to see why my ceiling is leaking and being confronted with: confused looks and a what I'm sure is a pretty plastered minor.
   
5. Staying up at 5:15am, waiting for the maintenance men and security.
6. Having only slept ~4 hours tonight and 3 hours last night.
7. Actually LOOKING as if I need more sleep.
   

Oh, the joys of Christianity.

Addendum(edited at ~6:05am): Other things that are not funny.

1. The guys from upstairs telling me they had no plumbing problems, and even invited me to come in and see for myself. I declined.
   
2. At 6:00am, the maintenance man confirming that they had in fact stopped up their toilet and flooded the bathroom.

One thing that is funny:

1. The maintenance man made them soak it up with their own towels.

Goodnight and Good Riddance.

A day of days

Things I have faced today:

1. A very sick Grandmother
2. A friend whose parents sleep in separate bedrooms; is on the rocks with their significant other of about 7 years
3. A non-believer who thinks god is a woman
4. A Physics test
5. Financial aid information
6. Hoops with my cell phone company
7. Work
8. Forgetting a commitment
9. A Worthy Lamb.

Here's what I did about those situations (in order):

1. Turned it over to God
2. Told them to turn it over to God
3. Invited them to the Veritas Forum
4. Prayed
5. Rejoiced
6. Dealt with it
7. Did it
8. Apologized
9. Praised.

I feel whooped. And I didn't even really DO anything. God is in control. I am a stinking peon to His greatness. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. My God gave boundaries to the sea, told it where its proud waves were to halt. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.

He is worthy. He is powerful. He is mighty. Praise Him, for his very Essence is love for you. Praise Him. Praise Him. Praise Him.

I feel a relentless joy for my Creator.

Who am I that God is mindful of me.

Show me your face, dear Lord. Show me your beauty. As Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

I welcome your presence. I welcome your Spirit. Empty me God, and fill me with You.

As I lay my life... All things Casting Crowns

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door

I'm trying so hard, to stop trying so hard.
Just let You be who you are, Lord who You are in me.
Jesus I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard,
just let You be who you are, who You are in me.
-----
Somewhere between who I was, and who you're making me,
somewhere in the middle you'll find me.
Just how close can i get Lord, to my surrender,
without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense.
Deep water faith in the shallow end.
And we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences.
the god we want, and the God who IS.
--------

Giver of every breath I breathe
Author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing
To You be the glory
Maker of Heaven and of Earth
No one can comprehend Your worth
King over all the universe
To You be the glory
----------


Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant
---------

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
--------

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you
-------------

For You are awesome, God of the Nations,
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages, Alpha, Omega
You're worthy of all praise
----------



But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "Boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
----------

United States of America
Looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies
That save the trees and kill the children
----------


Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
----------

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
---------

You're the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords
You're the Master of the Universe
You're the Ruler of all Nations
-----------

I will trust and not be afraid.

I love God.

I have just made a pretty big decision, big to me at least. And I can't thank God enough for being faithful. He is right here with me. Never flinching in His devotion to me. Never withdrawing His care. Never hesitating to let me know He already has a plan.

I love my GOD!

There is a lot going on in my life right now, as is always, as in everyone's life. But, I was not handling it very well. And I may have even been to hasty in some things. But my God loves me. He consistently speaks encouragement and truth to me. I can't get far enough away from His love. He is mighty, and He will have His way. (Isa 46:10)

God is Awesome!

He's always there. He has made known the end from the beginning. God is not surprised or stumped by my situations. He is in control.

God, I am sorry for giving you the reigns of my life only to take them back every time I see an obstacle. LORD, forgive me for having fleeting and weak devotion to You. Please help me to trust You more. To be submissive and humble, in all things, in every situation. I will eat what you give me. I will receive all that you have for me. I will be obedient, even to death. Help me, Jesus, to live to be the woman You gave your life for. Amen.

Morning Glory Pt. 3

Don’t let them wander to the wayside,
Pick them up when they fall down.
For every soul is precious,
Every one has been purchased a crown.

And remember, the world hates you,
I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.
Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
And respond as your Savior would.”

I sensed the time was coming,
When I would have to walk ahead.
I knew others were following me
And I must shepherd in my Shepherd’s stead.

Jesus put His arms around me.
He hugged me tight and sure.
“Keep the lamp of your body bright.
Make sure your eyes are pure.

Do not make war with flesh, dear child,
For against flesh you do not fight.
But bind the evil one’s plans
Defeat him with the light.”

I bid farewell, and ran ahead
Running faster than I knew,
I tripped and stumbled, but was caught
In the strong arms of you know Who.

Jesus has all power and might
all strength and authority
But he desires only one thing
To love and be loved by thee.


-Sorry it took me so long (Joel). Hope you all liked it.

Morning Glory, Pt. 2

“It’s okay Jesus. Please, don’t cry.”
Oh, my heart aches.
That I have caused such tears to fall
By making such foolish (so many/the same) mistakes.

“I can help, Lord. I will tell them.
I’ll them of You, that Your love never fails.
That there’s none like you in all the heavens
And that your power and Kingdom always prevails.

I’ll make sure they know, Lord.
I’ll, I’ll do whatever you say.
Just please, please don’t cry Jesus,
I can’t bear to see You hurt this way.”

I'm stumbling and sputtering,
Tears falling from my own eyes.
He’s using His robe to dry them
And He’s shoosh-ing my cries.

“Oh, what can I do to comfort You?
How can I ease your pain?”
“Go, child, to the ends of the earth,
Loving them in My Name.

And when you’re stopped and taunted,
When they try to fill you with shame,
Continue to preach, even in your pain
And never, never cease to proclaim:

‘Jesus reigns. He’s exalted on high.
And when he ascended into the sky
He went to prepare, a place for you and I
And He loves you child, He loves you, YOU were the reason He died.”

Then Jesus shook His head
Said, “Let’s keep going down this road.
Soon many more will join us,
Many souls we will behold.”

Grabbing me by the shoulders,
He looks me in the face,
“EVERY, SINGLE souls matters,
I desire all my beloved to finish this race.