Lately...

So, this is not a post about my undying lust for a husband. It is, however, about the different feelings I have been going through lately. So, if you like, MEN, stop reading here. I'm gonna get a little transparent.

As Derek has said, it has been the summer of love for ENCM. And I love seeing people get together, I am a sucker for a cute couple. And in no way am I dissatisfied with my King, but my thoughts have wandered a bit, lately.

Previously, I was under the incorrect assumption that you have to be completely satisfied with God before He would put you in a relationship, now I know better. Anyway, on to more important tangents, I have a problem that I will briefly (ha!) share with you.

So, I met a guy over summer who is pretty set on being with me. He has told me, and I quote, "I will wait years, if I have to. I want to call you 'Sweetheart'."

So, only a few problems with that, um, I am not, as far as I see it, in any position to be married, and he, at this point, cannot be my spiritual leader. Another problem, I want to be someone's sweetheart, and I just about melt when he says it. Does he know this, no, but I have told him before to stop calling me anything other than my name, but every once in a while he will anyway. Lastly, it's not that I'm not attracted to the guy, but IF there were a time for us, it is definitely not now.

And another thing, I get hit on... a lot. And not to brag, because it really makes me uncomfortable. No matter where I go, I am sought out and, like, bothered. The only thing I can think of is that they see the Jesus in me and want that love, but I, personally, cannot deliver it.

It's been a while, and I am beginning to learn about myself. I know my weaknesses and desires. I know that someone calling me sweetheart is going to going bad pretty quickly, I also know that certain ways that men touch me will send me reeling. Not in a "head over heels in love with you because you put your arm around my waist". More like in a "I would like my husband to do that", kind of deal.

Whatever, lately, it's just been crazy. I had someone ask me, "As a Christian, do you go through a million changes every day over relationships and stuff?"
And my response was as true as I could make it, "It's not easy, but I know why I'm doing it. But it is a minute by minute battle sometimes, especially when maternal desires are triggered in me. I want to be a good mother, and a good wife, but first I have to be a good daughter. And I remind myself 'God is not keeping me from something, but for something.' "

So, in conclusion of a ramble, lately, a new desire for someone to lay next to at night has been kindled, and I don't know if it's me or God. I know in part that it is my desire. I know that I desire affection that can be returned with a pure heart, and a clean marriage bed. But I also know that I want to do crazy stuff all around the world and the country before I have obligations such as a husband or children. How do I reconcile that with God's time line, which is definitely not my own?

Prayer, please, saints. I love all of you and you are all forever in my prayers. Have a nice night.

lexi

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. -Hebrews 13:4

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?-Ecclesiastes 4:11

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.-Genesis 3:16

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. -Ephesians 5:3

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -Ephesians 2:10