Frustration

I must have absolutely lost my mind to trust something I cannot see.

To continue to try to build with someone who is taking others away.

To expect an embrace from someone I say no to.

To feel anger towards someone who never provoked me.

I must be crazy.

To allow myself to become so attached.

That it hurts to think of the relationships changing.

That it feels like they were a failure.

As if they never happened.

And still expect that someone to look out for me.

Yeah. I have definitely lost it.

To feel anger. Such anger. Such abandonment.

And still try to hang on.

Why go deeper?

Why make memories?

Why care?

When it'll all be waste a year from now?

Well, obviously, I don't believe that.

That's why I trust. And build. And respond. And allow the anger to dissipate.

Because I believe in the one I can't see.

And I still know that he knows the best for me.

But shoot. His timing so sucks.

An Experiment, of sorts

Reading lyrics to songs makes me want to write. Write like I used to. When I would put my feelings to words, and the words would put feeling to themselves. There was a time when I was aware of what emotions I was feeling. A time when it was at least tempered if not filtered. And that time saw endless ups and downs, but at least they were marked clearly. And some of it embarrassed me, and some I won't permit you to see...but it was me. It was raw and unchanged. And it gave me a sense to make sense of this rage and now I can't find it, it's difficult to see because it's been so long that I long to be me. And what of this confusion? Confused I can't be. But the record keeps playing, what used to be me. And the sound of the lyrics is haunting my dreams and I can't keep the writing from coming in screams. There's no need to appease this beast that's in me, but it's me that I long for and me I can't see. Now the writing is coming and it's taunting in jest, but i like that it's flowing-I don't need any rest. Cause the moment is here now, and release is in sight, cause there's no other way to be fighting this fight and if you try to stop me, I'll bulldoze you down, cause the lost isn't lost now and I have been found.

Now on to the next verse, and on to the ground, there's no turning back...there's no slowing down. The only way is through, cause I've been around, and it always ends up that I'm not up, but down. And the fact that it's round, and the clown isn't brown, and now what I'm writing to you seems unsound. But it's real, can't you see it? The words are alive. And just try, can't you breathe it? It leaves in a sigh. Such a marvelous feeling, the escape of the kept, no longer hiding, no longer swept- By the winds and the rains and the fairytale songs. But out it keeps drawing and it's drawing you along. But it's okay to feel it. It's fine to be lost. Nope, there's no way to kill it, for you've counted the cost. And to stop now, oh now, would be a mistake. You signed on the line and accepted the stakes. So keep on to the third, I promise a prize. But you'll never find it if you look with your eyes...

Alas, to the third verse. And what, you discover? There's no need to brood. There's no need to hover. You're closer than ever, just reach our your arm. That's it, you feel it. No call for alarm. The freedom. You taste it? It's ever so true. It belongs to me... I belong to you. So, come, let us share it, there's more than enough. This freedom is tested. This freedom is tough. But it comes with a price that is higher than most, and I don't mean to boast, but here comes a toast: I've done it, my love. I've found it again. The joy that overcomes when I'm strapped with a pen. And the, feeling's momentous, I don't want to let go. But I know there are others who're part of this show. But, the last words, I'll end on, boy they'll be a treat. I only wish, this was put, to a beat...


To the one who is true, and the one whom I love, this toast is for you, from your only dove.

Chaos (spoken word?)

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

This song is my anthem right now. Everything going on right now, especially emotionally, feels like absolute chaos. I am definitely not in control, and though I hate it, God loves it. I'm finally learning what it feels like to give over control to the One who knows what's best for me. It feels like falling. It feels like losing touch. It feels like chaos. And it's exhilarating. It's breath-taking. It's marvelous. And now that I've tasted it, I can't get enough. I can't let go now. I can't turn around. I can't leave the One who is enamored with me. The One who I am betrothed to. The One who has taken my life into His hands. His hands that are firm. His hands that are sure. His hands that will never let me go. And I can't turn around. And I can't give up. And I can't turn my back. This is it. This is what I live for. This is what I desire. This, this feeling. This reality. This loss of control. This, chaos. This chaos that has consumed me. This consuming fire. This refiner's fire. It is what I longed for. And now that I am in it, I'm not getting out. I'm not giving up. I'm not going to run. So, whatever you're doing, inside of me. It feels like chaos, but it, too, makes me free.

Christ the King.

Websites on religion

http://www.leaderu.com/jhs/dallas-expanded.html

http://www.leaderu.com/jhs/dallas.html#Religious2

http://peacebyjesus.witnesstoday.org/IsHomosexualitySin.html

http://peacebyjesus.witnesstoday.org/Homosexuality_and_the_Bible_Wink.html

http://www.utlm.org/testimony/chworldtestimony.htm

http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-walter-wink

http://www.religionfacts.com/christianity/charts/christianity_islam.htm

http://www.dianedew.com/islam.htm

http://www.faithfreedom.org/oped/JamesByrne30526.htm

http://www.religionfacts.com/jehovahs_witnesses/comparison.htm

http://www.religionfacts.com/jehovahs_witnesses/comparison.htm

http://www.cftf.com/booklets/jwslisten/pingpong.htm

http://www.godandscience.org/cults/jwdiff.html

http://contenderministries.org/jehovahswitnesses/comparison.php

http://www.christiananswers.net/menu-ar1.html

Riddle me this...

As Wink puts it, “We are freed from bibliolatry, the worship of the bible. It is restored to its proper place as witness to the Word of God. And that word is a Person, not a book.”

-Taken from a friend's paper.

Walter Wink said this. Any thoughts on it?

Oops

So, no real thing to blog about now. I have karate at 7am, and I need to get to bed. I will work on blogging. Don't have my computer right now, so it's hard to keep up with everything. Hope you all are doing fine. Feel free to comment whatever on this blog. Love you all.

lexi

These are my Confessions...

I wrote this yesterday, while thinking about my current situation and what I needed to do to reconcile myself back to my Dad. Sorry if you don't understand all of it. I already read it to God, so He's okay with me sharing it. Haha.

Here goes:

Lord, I'm sorry that I need you
yet give you none of me.
I apologize for ignoring you
though you are who set me free.
And I wish I did not need you, Lord.
Believe me, this is true.
Because then I wouldn't harm you, Lord.
My sins would not be grieving you.
I confess my sins to you, O God
and lay it down before your feet.
I am ashamed to say, today, O God
that many of them repeat.
For the lusting thoughts, O God
for the joking of the ring
I turned my heart to a new man.
I turned away from you, my King.
I get so caught up in the thoughts
of dreaming of what is ahead
that I don't choose the narrow path,
bring a stranger to my Lover's bed.
And I have visions of you, God,
things I can dwell on in truth.
Like learning not to run away
from the Husband of my youth.
Do not let these sins remain.
Do not allow me to contain
gifts that power give domain
and from bragging, I don't refrain.
Deal with me as you see fit.
Your kingdom, I'm a part of it
But, in judgement, remember this...
Turn the page. I'm on the list.

Any comments?