Back in business!

In the shower this morning, and God asks, "Are you ready for another vision?"

Surprised, I said 'Yes.'

This, then, is what I saw and heard:

I am standing in a palace, the doors have been opened, and I am looking out of them.
There is a long, wide field of knee-high green grass, swaying in the breeze. It was so very peaceful.
Slicing it's way through the grass is a white horse and its rider, male.
He comes to me, and hands me a scroll. It is a message. I open it, while he stands and waits.
The message reads: Your people are at war. They are surrounded on all of their borders and the enemy is attacking them at will.
The rider turns his horse around and begins to race away.
I yell after him, 'Where are you going?"
Looking behind him as he rides away, he replies, "To where but war?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

What I got from that:

• That's why I read Esther this morning!
• It is okay to enjoy peacefulness, but not while there is fighting to be done. How can I rest in peaceful country while my people are at war.
• Every soldier is needed, which is why the rider did not wait for me to make a decision. He was rushing off to join the glorious fight.
• Am I fighting today? Or am I taking my solace at the expense of someone who does not know the Christ, and is losing the fight?

I will fight. I will join the battle. For the Prince of Peace is always with me. My rest is portable.

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." -Hebrews 10:39

Refreshed!

I have been refreshed!

During the trip to Boston, I spent more time in my word than I have since. Not a good thing. So, of course, I've been tired. Felt like I was running on E a few times, in sleep, time and emotions.

But, at the ENCM Prayer Meeting from 5:30-6:30, I just focused on who God was, and trying to speak those words out loud (in one language or another).

Actually, I think my refreshing came before then. It was just Brandon and I, Johnny was usually there first, but this time it was the two of us. And it was all God's doing. We got into the room and Brandon asked me how the trip to Boston went. Well, that lead me to say it had been great, which it was. Then he asked me why I had considered moving to Boston, and I told him I hadn't. In my explaining, I told him the story and recounted what I had been going through about the Fishers deuce-ing out. He's such a great listener. I think I may have taken advantage of that, talking longer than my turn should have allowed.

Then he told me about what had been going on with him. As he did, I realized that he had matured while I wasn't looking. That Brandon had grown so much, in a short time, and maybe in ways he hadn't even realized yet. But, he's an awesome kid, and I'm glad God let us know each other.

Having someone to sit and talk with, with no distractions, no danger of interruption, even no action you would rather be performing was beautiful. As we talked, I remember thinking how great it was to just sit and talk with my brother, with no ulterior motives from either of us, to hear and be heard. I love the brotherhood of believers, and I thank all of those who submit and serve it.

Then, we had a great prayer meeting. I pushed for some simplifying, and compromised when Johnny pushed to have some things on the board. He was the spiritual authority at the time, he kind of runs the prayer meetings in lieu of Donny, so I practiced obedience. But, it was great. At the core, from beginning to end, there was me, Brandon, Melanie, Johnny, Laura. Others, Conrad, Dave, Rajat, Amber, Elizabeth, Derek all came and went at different times.

Johnny had all of us take a few minutes (5 he said, but it only felt like 2 at most) and get into God's presence. That was great. I want to practice that more. Of just saying what He is, Him giving me pictures and ideas and words to help me understand that part of Him, and then leaning into Him more and more from there.

Afterward, Dena and I had accountability and she had had a vision for me. It was a flower on a hill, with nothing else around it, almost cartoonish. And there was a bucket watering the flower. She thought it was for her, but the words I told her God said to me confirmed that it was for me, instead. Thanks, Lord.

Anyway, back to the vision. Flower alone on a hill, water bucket watering it. These were the words that were either said of somehow conveyed: I planted you. You're beautiful. I will water you. I will make sure you grow. Don't be scared.

At the end of the prayer meeting, Brandon said that we should all take a minute and see what God had to say to each of us. Here's what I got, and what I told Dena I had heard God say:

Steady.
Sacred.
Safe.

That, I should 'Hold Steady.'
That what we (God and I) had, was sacred.
That I was safe.

What a great evening.

ENCM had more attendees than I expected by a long shot. People filled out their waivers for Campus Harvest. I am able to have great conversations without any feelings or awkwardness with one of my brothers. I'm finally enjoying this stage of life. I have only a little time left. I love this place. And I will miss it dearly.

*Finally, a real blog. Sorry it took me so long.

I want this to be true of me.

**Totally surrendered to Your embrace**

Good Intentions

I was gonna write a blog tonight. But not I'm just tired. Lots to tell and do tomorrow!

Hope to see you here.

lexi

Jesus is the real deal.

I love God.

That's all for now.

Hoping to pick up this blogging thing again, soon.

Frustration

I must have absolutely lost my mind to trust something I cannot see.

To continue to try to build with someone who is taking others away.

To expect an embrace from someone I say no to.

To feel anger towards someone who never provoked me.

I must be crazy.

To allow myself to become so attached.

That it hurts to think of the relationships changing.

That it feels like they were a failure.

As if they never happened.

And still expect that someone to look out for me.

Yeah. I have definitely lost it.

To feel anger. Such anger. Such abandonment.

And still try to hang on.

Why go deeper?

Why make memories?

Why care?

When it'll all be waste a year from now?

Well, obviously, I don't believe that.

That's why I trust. And build. And respond. And allow the anger to dissipate.

Because I believe in the one I can't see.

And I still know that he knows the best for me.

But shoot. His timing so sucks.

An Experiment, of sorts

Reading lyrics to songs makes me want to write. Write like I used to. When I would put my feelings to words, and the words would put feeling to themselves. There was a time when I was aware of what emotions I was feeling. A time when it was at least tempered if not filtered. And that time saw endless ups and downs, but at least they were marked clearly. And some of it embarrassed me, and some I won't permit you to see...but it was me. It was raw and unchanged. And it gave me a sense to make sense of this rage and now I can't find it, it's difficult to see because it's been so long that I long to be me. And what of this confusion? Confused I can't be. But the record keeps playing, what used to be me. And the sound of the lyrics is haunting my dreams and I can't keep the writing from coming in screams. There's no need to appease this beast that's in me, but it's me that I long for and me I can't see. Now the writing is coming and it's taunting in jest, but i like that it's flowing-I don't need any rest. Cause the moment is here now, and release is in sight, cause there's no other way to be fighting this fight and if you try to stop me, I'll bulldoze you down, cause the lost isn't lost now and I have been found.

Now on to the next verse, and on to the ground, there's no turning back...there's no slowing down. The only way is through, cause I've been around, and it always ends up that I'm not up, but down. And the fact that it's round, and the clown isn't brown, and now what I'm writing to you seems unsound. But it's real, can't you see it? The words are alive. And just try, can't you breathe it? It leaves in a sigh. Such a marvelous feeling, the escape of the kept, no longer hiding, no longer swept- By the winds and the rains and the fairytale songs. But out it keeps drawing and it's drawing you along. But it's okay to feel it. It's fine to be lost. Nope, there's no way to kill it, for you've counted the cost. And to stop now, oh now, would be a mistake. You signed on the line and accepted the stakes. So keep on to the third, I promise a prize. But you'll never find it if you look with your eyes...

Alas, to the third verse. And what, you discover? There's no need to brood. There's no need to hover. You're closer than ever, just reach our your arm. That's it, you feel it. No call for alarm. The freedom. You taste it? It's ever so true. It belongs to me... I belong to you. So, come, let us share it, there's more than enough. This freedom is tested. This freedom is tough. But it comes with a price that is higher than most, and I don't mean to boast, but here comes a toast: I've done it, my love. I've found it again. The joy that overcomes when I'm strapped with a pen. And the, feeling's momentous, I don't want to let go. But I know there are others who're part of this show. But, the last words, I'll end on, boy they'll be a treat. I only wish, this was put, to a beat...


To the one who is true, and the one whom I love, this toast is for you, from your only dove.