It's not about me

God is stretching me.

Today was our second Preview Service. We plan for about...a month for each of these. Mostly because we have them once a month. Anyway, Friday night, and I'm talking midnight, Donny asks me to do the Connection Card moment. for those of you that know me, I like schedules. I like to be well aware and well-prepared. So, '36 hours' as Donny said hardly seemed enough prep to stand and talk in front of 50 people with little time to practice. I told Adam and Donny that I was scared to be stretched this way.

I know God is in control. And that He gives me the benefit of the doubt when I whip out my planner as if, if I could just write it all down in neat time segments, then I would be in control, able to handle whatever comes. So, when He pulls fast ones on me, I flounder for a bit. Earlier this week I thumbed past 1 Peter 5. In pink highlighter, I have marked: "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

That's exactly what I did. God has called me and extended immeasurable grace to me. I suffered for just a little while, and just a tiny little while in this instance. And He restored me. In all of my feeling nervous and being sure I would stutter for 5 minutes until someone had mercy or Adam called in the dogs, I forgot. The Bible mentions nothing of me restoring myself. It does say that my attempts to redeem myself are proud, ridiculous, and a waste of the existence God offered me. But I can't restore myself. I can't do it alone. In fact, it's not even about me. "The chief end of man is this, to glorify God." I exist to bring Him glory. So, as long as I submit to Him, a living sacrifice, pleasing and acceptable, He will do the rest.

I'm glad I remembered that in time. Otherwise, even a Connection Card moment, done on my own strength, would have been a major disaster. Both for me, and for everyone forced to endure it. So, it's not about me.

"Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me. Lead me to Your heart."

Glad for all this grace.

It's happening

Again!

How awesome! I had let my passion for Christ become swallowed, overpowered, eroded, whatever, by everything else!

But, how faithful is my God!? 2 Timothy says that even if we are faithless he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself. AAAAHHHH!!!

The passion is growing again. How can a starving man thrive? Duh. This is so exciting.

I forgot. I forgot who I was. I forgot who He is. I forgot that I was Dead. Worthless. Useless. Dirty. Selfish. Insecure.

He loves. He loves. He love. He loves. Not did love, not will love, not old love. Constantly new love. His love never fails. So when I ignore Him, He never fails. When I choose a temporal god, He loves. And He loves without fail, without reserve, without mistake, without regret, without hesitation, without selfish motives. He loves.

Does that not make you crazy?

Create in me a clean heart, that I may worship You. I believe. Help my unbelief.

Understand this.

He cares.

For no other reason than He himself declares.

But, He cares.

I do believe.

We will never again say ‘Our gods’ to what our own hands have made, for in you the fatherless find compassion.

Hypocrite

So, I was just thinking, "Is Twitter going to try to get me to switch to the new Twitter every time I sign in? Should I just make the change and deal with it now?"

I know that the change will be awkward and uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I know that I will have to be lost with the new settings and re-find where everything is...It's going to a be about the same amount of work as continuing to press no every time I am asked to upgrade and turn off location updates, and navigate the search options.

Well, isn't that how things work with God. (Disclaimer: God is bigger than Twitter)

Aren't there moments (weeks) of hesitant and unsure transitions before we get used to what He is doing? Granted, by that time we are moving on again, but you see what I mean. I was practically contemplating something completely unnecessary (sshh! don't tell Adam I said that!) while continually delaying similar decisions about my relationship with Christ.

I am a hypocrite. Wow. today is a day for making decisions. New Twitter (cringe). New levels (smaller cringe).

I got a job!

I have been busting my butt looking for work in all the right/wrong/long shot places. And where do I find it? In front of my face(s) (you know, to make it rhyme).

What else? I am learning things about myself that make me a little uncomfortable. Okay, a lot of uncomfortable.

There were the things that I mostly already knew. Like, I like having a plan because that means that I am in charge and will know immediately if there is any deviation. Knew that. Didn't know, that when I don't have a plan on my person, I notice. Today, I realized that I did not have a list of who was supposed to be doing Kid's Church. So, if anyone asked me, I would not have been able to answer honestly...Does that rock anybody else's boat? I was mentally chastising myself for not writing the names in my planner (which, by the way, I did have with me).

I do not trust God. I trust Him for salvation (most of the time). I trust Him to provide (usually). But, that's pretty much where it stops. I am firm. I know there is a God. I know who He revealed himself to be. I know that He is just and good and righteous. I am firm in these things. But I don't trust Him to fulfill my emotional needs. I don't rely on Him when I have a bad day besides knowing that He cares, yet going elsewhere to ease whatever ache I feel. I am assured of His consistency. But I cannot recall times when I have sought, relied on, or experienced emotional support from Him. I mean, that's hard to do when I don't go to Him. Peace has come. But not really relief.

My self diagnosis is that I trust His actions, His motives, and His character. But, He doesn't seem emotional to me. I know He wept. I know His heart was grieved. I know He turned His face away in anger. But his emotions don't make sense to me. He always knows how things will end, always and forever. So I have a hard time trusting in that. Like Donny said, "If it's not a logical pain to me, then I won't cry." If He knows all, then how is any pain not logical, not simple, not purposeful. How is it worth crying over?

All that to say, I need to understand that. Because how can I trust His Creation's emotions, if I don't trust His? How can I rely on a human if I can't rely on the One who made him or her? How could I ever relate? How could I ever sympathize? How could I ever marry?

Is it even okay for God to be sad? Is it even plausible?

So, I moved...

Hey there!

How's it going? It's been quite a while since I really gave an update.

Two weeks and two days ago I arrived in Boston...well, a suburb of it at least.
Since then I have had an interview, two TB tests, and some organic food.
I have built a dresser all by my lonesome, wandered around Harvard, MIT and the Charles River.
I have made my first big subway mistake, a great batch of cookies (with Mel's help), and a new friend or two.

And through it all, I am still convinced that God is more than faithful. He's more than I need. He's also much more detail oriented than I am and I should get over it and let Him do what He does best: create masterpieces.

If I allow it, He will make a masterpiece out of the nearly self-destroyed canvas that I was. I was a real piece of work. So glad He can work a real piece.

Because He's not some high and lofty God that refuses to get His hands dirty. No, he came, and he lived like me. Better yet, He lived without half of the comforts I consider routine. Willingly. And if He can make old school scruffy beard, dirty feet and pierced flesh look good, then my mess should be a cinch. My God gets it because he, literally, got in it. How unorthodox to subject yourself to your own creation. To laws you thought up and set in motion but actually have no power over you unless you allow it. Madness!

I serve a mad, detail-oriented, intensely focused God. He did literally everything I couldn't. Praise God for His provision.

I'm glad He's my Dad.

Aletheia Kids!

Today was Aletheia Boston's first Preview Service.

I was not present to listen to Adam's service, but was able to serve with the kids.

We learned about God's first day of creation. Our memory verse was: God created day, light and dark, and it was good. We read a short lesson, and did two crafts to emphasis the point. The kids glued yellow or black paper onto squares labeled with 'Light' or 'Dark.' Then they colored pictures of the Solar system (the teachers had a bit of a tough time remembering the order of planets-Ben did an excellent job of redeeming the older folks in the room).

And, I must say: What a Pleasure!

I had such a great time with the children today. We had snack. We discussed the truth of God's Creation. We spoke kindly to each other. We spoke truthfully to each other. The parents of Aletheia are doing a fantastic job of raising their children in the Truth. And it reflects when Mom and Dad are not around.

But even if there would have been a Goldfish smashing extravaganza, a massive glue eating contest, and a lesson that took physical restraint to get through, God would still have been glorified. Christ would still have been preached. Children will still have been a joy.

See, I came with expectation, as Adam told me to, and I took a little time to pray for the service. And God does not disappoint. God promises many things, but the greatest, outside of undeserved salvation, is that He hears us. And not only that He hears, but that He RESPONDS!

What a great God. What an awesome God. Who am I that He gives two hoots?

Being with the kids today was a pleasure. Being with family today was a pleasure. Being a child of the light is a pleasure.

Thank you to the parents of Aletheia Boston. Thank you for fighting for your marriages, for your children, for the advancement of the Gospel. Your children are a blessing to the workers. Your hard work, your dedication, your discipline in training your children are noticed and appreciated.

So, what a pleasure. What a pleasure, to know and love your children.

Thank you.