Grace.

So, you know how I am helping launch a church to bring the truth, grace and changing power of the Gospel for the glory of God and the good of all people?

Well, today, I got just a bit of that grace extended to me. Was it the grace of God? Yes. Every day I am granted much more than I know what to do with. But I am not always aware, and because of that, rarely intentionally act on what God grants me.

But today, today's grace came from my employers. We'll call them the Color Family. C.F. for short.

So, last week I was twenty minutes late to work. *sucks teeth* And I can't stand being late. If there was anything I could do, I would rearrange all public transportation so that getting everywhere by full and half hour increments was the ultimate goal. Anyway, getting back on track...

I keep a journal between the Color parents and myself in order to update them on things they made need or need to know, and it stays at their home. So, last week, when I was ridiculously late, I wrote how profusely apologetic I was and that it would never happen again.

I know, right. Sounds like a good plan. Well, I was late today. Precisely 8 minutes late. I told them I would be ten minutes late, so that was a bit of leeway, but still. THE NEXT BUSINESS DAY!!!??? Really? I mean. Pa.The.Tic.

So, I had let them know that I would be late and apologized more when I arrived. I told them to penalize me or being late, because really, twice in as many days. I say it again: Pa.The.Tic.

So I'm talking to Mr. Color, and he's already spoken with Mrs. Color, and they agree that no penalty is necessary. (I couldn't even feel relief at this so disappointed as I was in myself.) Mr. Color explains that the family works on a system, and that, thought the time isn't necessarily important, the way that it folds into the system is. Which I understand. Kids=routine. Jacked up routine=kids unaware of what is happening next. And that, as some of you know, is not the way to begin tacking a day with 4 children, 3 of them under school age.

Mr. Color finishes his chat with me by saying that I am "released and should not let it weigh on me, that I am forgiven. There's grace."

Ah, there is that pesky word. Grace. I mean, it doesn't even make sense. Grace. If you say it twenty times you forget the definition. (That happens with most words-try it sometime.)

Back to me in my self-pity, punish me, give me what I paid for, let me have it, moment.

I nearly cried. Why? Because I am still learning what grace is. They just, forgave me? No penalty? No dock in payment? No LECTURE? Free. Just like that. Huh. Maybe this grace thing isn't so abstract after all.

At the end of the day, when Mrs. Color came home, she asked how my talk with Mr. Color had gone. I told her, told her that I nearly cried. Told her that I expect to receive what my actions warrant. Told her that it was hard for me to understand and accept what they were telling me, because it goes against my law, my experience, everything in my past. No. I do not forgive you. You get what you paid for. You get nothing from me. I extend judgment and punishment alone.

Not only when I was dealt with, but in my dealings with others.

If my forgiveness was not swift, the anger in its stead was sure to be. I knew nothing of grace.

So today caught me off guard. How in the world did I expect to bring the grace of the Gospel to a late, disorganized, pained and dark city, without understanding what it meant in time and eternity?

That's how we represent Christ. As a non-believer, I wouldn't really know what to do with that situation besides file it under really nice people.

But that's how we show Him. That's how we spread His Gospel. That is how we take this city by storm.

Learn it. Practice it. Live it.

Grace.

Hypocrite

So, I was just thinking, "Is Twitter going to try to get me to switch to the new Twitter every time I sign in? Should I just make the change and deal with it now?"

I know that the change will be awkward and uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I know that I will have to be lost with the new settings and re-find where everything is...It's going to a be about the same amount of work as continuing to press no every time I am asked to upgrade and turn off location updates, and navigate the search options.

Well, isn't that how things work with God. (Disclaimer: God is bigger than Twitter)

Aren't there moments (weeks) of hesitant and unsure transitions before we get used to what He is doing? Granted, by that time we are moving on again, but you see what I mean. I was practically contemplating something completely unnecessary (sshh! don't tell Adam I said that!) while continually delaying similar decisions about my relationship with Christ.

I am a hypocrite. Wow. today is a day for making decisions. New Twitter (cringe). New levels (smaller cringe).

I got a job!

I have been busting my butt looking for work in all the right/wrong/long shot places. And where do I find it? In front of my face(s) (you know, to make it rhyme).

What else? I am learning things about myself that make me a little uncomfortable. Okay, a lot of uncomfortable.

There were the things that I mostly already knew. Like, I like having a plan because that means that I am in charge and will know immediately if there is any deviation. Knew that. Didn't know, that when I don't have a plan on my person, I notice. Today, I realized that I did not have a list of who was supposed to be doing Kid's Church. So, if anyone asked me, I would not have been able to answer honestly...Does that rock anybody else's boat? I was mentally chastising myself for not writing the names in my planner (which, by the way, I did have with me).

I do not trust God. I trust Him for salvation (most of the time). I trust Him to provide (usually). But, that's pretty much where it stops. I am firm. I know there is a God. I know who He revealed himself to be. I know that He is just and good and righteous. I am firm in these things. But I don't trust Him to fulfill my emotional needs. I don't rely on Him when I have a bad day besides knowing that He cares, yet going elsewhere to ease whatever ache I feel. I am assured of His consistency. But I cannot recall times when I have sought, relied on, or experienced emotional support from Him. I mean, that's hard to do when I don't go to Him. Peace has come. But not really relief.

My self diagnosis is that I trust His actions, His motives, and His character. But, He doesn't seem emotional to me. I know He wept. I know His heart was grieved. I know He turned His face away in anger. But his emotions don't make sense to me. He always knows how things will end, always and forever. So I have a hard time trusting in that. Like Donny said, "If it's not a logical pain to me, then I won't cry." If He knows all, then how is any pain not logical, not simple, not purposeful. How is it worth crying over?

All that to say, I need to understand that. Because how can I trust His Creation's emotions, if I don't trust His? How can I rely on a human if I can't rely on the One who made him or her? How could I ever relate? How could I ever sympathize? How could I ever marry?

Is it even okay for God to be sad? Is it even plausible?

Chaos (spoken word?)

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

This song is my anthem right now. Everything going on right now, especially emotionally, feels like absolute chaos. I am definitely not in control, and though I hate it, God loves it. I'm finally learning what it feels like to give over control to the One who knows what's best for me. It feels like falling. It feels like losing touch. It feels like chaos. And it's exhilarating. It's breath-taking. It's marvelous. And now that I've tasted it, I can't get enough. I can't let go now. I can't turn around. I can't leave the One who is enamored with me. The One who I am betrothed to. The One who has taken my life into His hands. His hands that are firm. His hands that are sure. His hands that will never let me go. And I can't turn around. And I can't give up. And I can't turn my back. This is it. This is what I live for. This is what I desire. This, this feeling. This reality. This loss of control. This, chaos. This chaos that has consumed me. This consuming fire. This refiner's fire. It is what I longed for. And now that I am in it, I'm not getting out. I'm not giving up. I'm not going to run. So, whatever you're doing, inside of me. It feels like chaos, but it, too, makes me free.

Christ the King.

Riddle me this...

As Wink puts it, “We are freed from bibliolatry, the worship of the bible. It is restored to its proper place as witness to the Word of God. And that word is a Person, not a book.”

-Taken from a friend's paper.

Walter Wink said this. Any thoughts on it?

Weigh In

Read:

"How can we convince them to take the medicine if we can’t convince them they are sick? Sin destroys…that is part of our message."

I saw this quote in response to another blog.

From any corner, view and issue you want to take it from, tell me your thoughts on this quote.

I'll blog about it in a few days myself.

Worship

In light of recent prophecies, finding of old visions, and a renewed appreciation for who God is, I am in the mood to worship!

But, it seems that nothing I am doing, or can do, is, or will ever be, enough to express to my God how thankful I am, or who brilliant He is.

I can sing, shout, dance, spin in circles, speak in tongues, tell others about Him, bow prostrate before Him, weep endlessly, jump in pure elation, say thank you with every coming breath, feed orphans and widows, give to great causes, advance the Kingdom, and yet...none of it seems enough. None of it comes anywhere near even a glimpse of how marvelous my King is!

How frustrating it must be to constantly be in this reality.

How helpless we feel when we cannot contain and simultaneously not express the joy our Lord has given us.

If only You had given us mouths to speak, Adonai, Dayenu!

Aaahhhh! How can I express my love for my God!?
My heart is exploding, but my chest cannot release the full of it's power.

Help me to worship You in spirit and truth. Help me to do all I can to praise you.

You have filled my heart with wonder. You made me to worship. Lead me to worship You.

Mornin'

Top o' the Mornin' to ya!

Hey there, faithful readers. I am sorry for making all of you go without for so long.

Hope I didn't come off as depressed or crazy. But if I did, at least the crazy part's true.

Anywho, every since I began going to 7am prayer Tuesdays and Thursday, I have been getting woken up early. I mean, God is taking this whole, making me into a Proverbs 31 woman seriously.

I did not set an alarm for this morning, and yet, 8am sharp, who's up? Yep. Me! Um, Jesus...it's Saturday. But, I feel rested, and that is all I really need.

But I wake up with the Spirit of God around me. I can feel Him trying to get closer to me. And I love that. I love that, as soon as I wake, my God is there beside me, and my spirit eagerly desires to commune with Him.

This morning I woke with these lyrics in my mind: I am desperate, desperate, for more of You. And I can't wait another, day to see You move. How my heart is hungry, for the chance, to sit at Your feet, and feel Your presence, feel Your presence in the deepest part of me."

And it was followed by this prayer: God, I AM desperate for you. Only you can fill me and never disappoint me. God, I need you right now. I have never before felt this way, never before felt this need for you. I feel like something new has been woken inside of me, and now it won't go away. God, I need only you. Lord, please be my everything, as you've always been, please continue to be. I need you to fill me God. Keep my eyes on you."

I love my Lord. And I can't wrap my mind around Him loving me. In this time of internal chaos, and external storm, I can feel the might of my God. His power has never left me. His Spirit has never forsaken me. His strength is something that I know is real just as much as I am. My God is a consuming fire! His jealousy for me is righteous and loving. No greater love has a man than to lay down his life for his friend. I know of no other, no not another, king like my King, Jesus.

Thanks for reading this, hope it encourages you. Seek His face. Pray for more. He will deliver, and whatever wait or trial, would have been worth it.

"You are clothed with splendor and majesty. He wraps Himself in light, as with a garment." Psalm 104

This Morning

So, today I was woken up at 7:48am.
There was no alarm, no loud sound. No groggy feeling and desire to return to sleep.
Just a stillness that I knew meant my God wanted to speak with me.
He told me some stuff like, turn to channel 12. The day show was on, I think.
(I think that was just a test of my obedience.)
Anyway, God showed me something like this:
A father, holding his daughter is what looks to be the softest, fluffiest pink blanket ever. And he offers her to a man standing in front of him, with a sorrow so clear in your eyes, you feel it in your own heart. I still feel it. And God seemed to say something like this, : "Such it is when a man gives his daughter away to marriage."
Another vision was the same father, but this time the daughter was a toddler. He was walking her down the aisle.
And God said this, : "Such is it for any man who gives his daughter's hand in marriage."

Understanding? No matter what the age, a father always feels as though he is giving his baby (literally), baby girl to someone else. It is the strength of the father, to give his daughter into another man's protection, to trust another human with his daughter's life, but it is also his sorrow.

Then, God danced with me. La Rumba and the Hustle. While spinning and stepping, I spoke to God my recent worries and prayers. Ending our dance with me hugging his waist, admitting that I wanted to be nothing but His.

I lay on the floor, prostrate in prayer.
I'll try to explain what I saw.
Imagine this: A man walks up, his face is a blur, he has on a tan hat. He walks a few steps, and stops as he reaches a tree with small, round red berries all over it. His hand, only a blur, the fingers are not readily distinguishable, lifts up, and removes a berry from it's own pair of leaves. An older man, the father, watches from the tree, hidden mostly by the other leaves and branches. At this moment, the feeling he has is mostly bitter, the sweet has yet to come.

God whispers this to me, "Like a man picking the choicest berry from a tree, is a daughter plucked from the hands of her father."

Understanding? Parents spend their lives, the better part at least, nurturing us, and attempting to prune all the bad things from us. Time, effort, love and care are poured into us. Yet, a man can come, and, in the blink of an eye, remove us from his (the father's) reach of care and protection.
We (the daughters) now fit in the palm of this new hand. The hand of our husband, trusting that he will never throw us to the ground unwanted, or crush out of us the little juice we can muster with his heel. And our father watches, hoping the same. Though the tree provides everything the berry needs during its time attached to it, once it falls, or is removed, from the tree, the only thing it takes with it, is hope.

Yikes!
Anybody out there have questions, comments, concerns?
Any wise interpretations?
I'm all ears!

Oh, I ache.

Today, upon sitting up in bed, I was immediately informed that I was sore all over.

My arms, abs and legs all protested as I stood up.

Boy, I have no idea why I'm so sore. I can only think that Sensei worked us really hard in class Friday...but I also did Karate for 4 straight days, instead of twice with a day in-between.

But,

I also ache for my Lord.

How He must have felt when God turned his face away. How He must have ached.

I thank my King for being willing to withstand my torture for me. With no thought of His own comfort.

Thank you, King, for trading your life for mine. I was unworthy then, and I am even more unworthy now.

Humbly, I bow before the throne that is established in love, where a man sits on it in faithfulness.

I look forward to the return of my Lord, but only after his will has been accomplished on this Earth.

Celebrate!

HE is RISEN!

I sang this song to my God!

From Isaiah 12 (mostly)

With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation!
With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation! (2 times)

With joy! With joy! With joy (held a little longer)! (maybe not here)

My God is a cistern! My God is a cistern!
My God is a cistern! My God is a cistern!
My God, is a cistern! My God, is a cistern!
My God, is a cistern! My God, is a cistern!

With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation!
With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation! (2 times)

With joy! With joy! With joy (held a little longer)!

Give thanks to the Lord and call on His name
Make known among the nations, all His people proclaim
That His name is exalted, He's done glorious things
Let all the people bow in respect for our King!
Let all the people bow at the throne of our King.
Everyone will bow, at the feet of our King!

For great is the Holy One of Israel among us!
For great is the Holy One of Israel among us.
For great is the Holy One of Israel among us.

With joy! With joy! With joy!

Whew!

What I was faced with today:

1. A crying grandmother
2. Anger at a family member
   
3. A missed class
4. Chalking for the first time!
5. Rain
   
6. Chalking getting rained away
7. Divine appointments
8. Encouragement
9. Challenges
10. A great lesson on faith
11. A stern talking to from God
12. An eye-opening quiet time
    

How I dealt with it:

Not that great. Some things I took in stride, others not so much. For example, I was not enthused about my conversation with God. And I remember Him saying, "I know this isn't what you want to hear."

All in all, it was an easy day. None of my family died. None of my friends had a crisis. I am healthy. My biggest concern is a simple fix for my God.

Oh, God. Teach me to be thankful. Teach me to approach each day with the attitude of Christ. Help me to be alert and open to lessons and opportunities that you allow to fall into my lap. Thank you for the divine appointments. Thank you for answering my prayer to draw nearer to me. Thank you for the ability to experience Your presence, I welcome your Spirit and a greater sensitivity to the spiritual realm. Help me to be a light to my friends and a friend to the lost. Jesus, continue to convict and change me. I am wholly yours. Do with me as you will. Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.

Amen.

A day of days

Things I have faced today:

1. A very sick Grandmother
2. A friend whose parents sleep in separate bedrooms; is on the rocks with their significant other of about 7 years
3. A non-believer who thinks god is a woman
4. A Physics test
5. Financial aid information
6. Hoops with my cell phone company
7. Work
8. Forgetting a commitment
9. A Worthy Lamb.

Here's what I did about those situations (in order):

1. Turned it over to God
2. Told them to turn it over to God
3. Invited them to the Veritas Forum
4. Prayed
5. Rejoiced
6. Dealt with it
7. Did it
8. Apologized
9. Praised.

I feel whooped. And I didn't even really DO anything. God is in control. I am a stinking peon to His greatness. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. My God gave boundaries to the sea, told it where its proud waves were to halt. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.

He is worthy. He is powerful. He is mighty. Praise Him, for his very Essence is love for you. Praise Him. Praise Him. Praise Him.

I feel a relentless joy for my Creator.

Who am I that God is mindful of me.

Show me your face, dear Lord. Show me your beauty. As Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

I welcome your presence. I welcome your Spirit. Empty me God, and fill me with You.

I will trust and not be afraid.

I love God.

I have just made a pretty big decision, big to me at least. And I can't thank God enough for being faithful. He is right here with me. Never flinching in His devotion to me. Never withdrawing His care. Never hesitating to let me know He already has a plan.

I love my GOD!

There is a lot going on in my life right now, as is always, as in everyone's life. But, I was not handling it very well. And I may have even been to hasty in some things. But my God loves me. He consistently speaks encouragement and truth to me. I can't get far enough away from His love. He is mighty, and He will have His way. (Isa 46:10)

God is Awesome!

He's always there. He has made known the end from the beginning. God is not surprised or stumped by my situations. He is in control.

God, I am sorry for giving you the reigns of my life only to take them back every time I see an obstacle. LORD, forgive me for having fleeting and weak devotion to You. Please help me to trust You more. To be submissive and humble, in all things, in every situation. I will eat what you give me. I will receive all that you have for me. I will be obedient, even to death. Help me, Jesus, to live to be the woman You gave your life for. Amen.

Morning Glory Pt. 3

Don’t let them wander to the wayside,
Pick them up when they fall down.
For every soul is precious,
Every one has been purchased a crown.

And remember, the world hates you,
I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.
Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
And respond as your Savior would.”

I sensed the time was coming,
When I would have to walk ahead.
I knew others were following me
And I must shepherd in my Shepherd’s stead.

Jesus put His arms around me.
He hugged me tight and sure.
“Keep the lamp of your body bright.
Make sure your eyes are pure.

Do not make war with flesh, dear child,
For against flesh you do not fight.
But bind the evil one’s plans
Defeat him with the light.”

I bid farewell, and ran ahead
Running faster than I knew,
I tripped and stumbled, but was caught
In the strong arms of you know Who.

Jesus has all power and might
all strength and authority
But he desires only one thing
To love and be loved by thee.


-Sorry it took me so long (Joel). Hope you all liked it.

Morning Glory

Okay, this one I wrote last August. This is only a third of the poem, but it's pretty long so I will do 3 separate posts for it. I hope you like it. May it bring you smiles and a renewed passion for your first Love.

Part 1

I thank you that when I reach up to Heaven
You bring Heaven down to me.
That in You I've found my desire
My bless-ed reason to be.

Jesus came with my cross, says,
“I've been carrying it for a while.
But I knew you’d ask for it back.”
And He returns it with a smile.

Of the million others on His back
None seem to break His stride.
“It’s not the weight that bothers me,
It’s the sins they try to hide.”

We walk ahead in silence,
I'm lost in my own things.
Even as we trudge I can’t help,
But sneak loving glances at my King.

He rewards my glimpses,
Adores the way I peek,
So He pulls me close to Him,
Plants a kiss on my cheek.

I’m glowing under His love
And though my burden is weighing down
My Christ is next to me
And ahead, is my crown.

Jesus studies me slowly
Inquires of His bride,
“You know Satan’s after you?”
Grips me closer to His side.

A shiver goes down my spine,
As I think of the one despised
“He can’t harm you when we’re this close,
But he’s always heavily disguised.”

I know these words are precious.
I focus, and try not to blink.
And it seems I see tears of heartache
Flowing down my Savior’s cheek.

Rapid Character Building

That's what it is! Rapid character building. I finally get why I can't get away with anything lately.

I have been placed in everyone's shoes every time I made a comment or posed a question. I have been pretty much forced to empathize with every situation. I have had my eyes opened to how certain things that I or others do make people feel. And now I get it. God is doing some rapid character building! Still not sure why, but at least I know what!

I realize now that some of the ways I do things offends people. For example, I am very 'business first'. I do away with small talk and such and go right into business. It is how I have always been. Almost as if I need to know if I can relax or do I have to do your job for you. It's not personal, it's just the way I operate. Recently, one of my roommates and I had a conversation about that, and brought it to my attention that she's exactly the opposite in that manner. She likes to say hello, and get the general 'how are you' questions out of the way first.

Also, I am very hard on a select few people. I have no idea why, I just am. And God has definitely shown me that I have no right to correct ANYONE and that I'm not giving everyone the attitude of Christ I am commanded to.

And, I make sharp comments sometimes, again, only to a short list of people. It's not out of dislike or anything, but it happens. And it has to stop.

In the past month, I have been corrected by a laundry list of people. I have had to make some hard calls that were crushing to my will (a good thing). And I have been bombarded with how God expects me to act in contrast with how I am acting...

Rapid Character Building. It's not my favorite lesson and I still don't know why I'm being taught it now, but here's what I have to say:

Bring it on, God. Bring it on.

And the Pressure Builds...

So, more and more I feel these emotions out of nowhere. Like the urge to cry, a feeling of heaviness, and now this anticipation.

I don't know what I am anticipating, but I feel like it's going to be a change. And it makes me nervous. I mean, my life is completely, in God's hands...which is what makes me nervous. He likes to make examples out of people and do crazy 'move you across the world and work harvesting figs' stuff with people. But he also likes to do 'let me introduce you into a whole new understanding of my love for all people' stuff.

So, I accept whatever is happening. Praise God for warning. Heh.

later.

Jesus wept...

So, lately, I have been having the urge to cry. Not boo-hoo, but just to cry. I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is that God is answering my prayer to break my heart for what breaks His, and give me compassion for what gives Him compassion, to love what He loves and hate what He hates.

Um, I guess that's all for now. I just wanted to post something. If anyone has a scripture they would like me to blog about, I'd love the challenge.

I love all of you more than I know.

In Christ,

lexi

Right Hand man...

So, while on only day one of fasting, I was at work and God gave me a somewhat entertaining analogy. So, I'm sitting down, putting pipet tips in holders before autoclaving them (sorry, lab nerd jargon) and I have been slowly trying to make my left hand more dexterous. Anyway, I am fumbling, trying to get these little plastic pieces into holes with my left hand, thinking "I just gotta figure out how to get my left hand to do what I want it to do" and God told me this:
Sometimes, this is how I feel with my children.

*WHOA* Crazy thought right?

Here's what I got from that. Some of us, are like God's right hand, we always do what He wants, and we do it efficiently and smooth. But others, we are like His left hand. Which He uses, but is still trying you to get to do exactly what He wants done. Are we the left hand that just get the job done but a little sloppily? Do we skip a tedious task just to finish quicker? Are we short-handing God? Are we the hand that He can't always depend on, because sometimes we just don't get it?

Well, I am. At least, I was. I am now striving much harder to do the will of my God immediately and proficiently. I take Ezekiel 12:6 as my own : So I did as I was commanded. What a simple, yet ridiculously challenging verse.

I challenge you saints today- Do as you are commanded. Be God's right hand man (or woman). Stay in His will and love like no one's business.

I love you all.

In Christ,

lexi