So, this is how I see it

New Web Address!

2010-12-13T21:38:00.002-05:00

Word up?

I am converting. Why not?

Here is my new home:

http://bostonfound.wordpress.com

Again, that is

http://bostonfound.wordpress.com

Hope to see you there!

lexi

Grace.

2010-11-29T18:49:00.002-05:00

So, you know how I am helping launch a church to bring the truth, grace and changing power of the Gospel for the glory of God and the good of all people?

Well, today, I got just a bit of that grace extended to me. Was it the grace of God? Yes. Every day I am granted much more than I know what to do with. But I am not always aware, and because of that, rarely intentionally act on what God grants me.

But today, today's grace came from my employers. We'll call them the Color Family. C.F. for short.

So, last week I was twenty minutes late to work. *sucks teeth* And I can't stand being late. If there was anything I could do, I would rearrange all public transportation so that getting everywhere by full and half hour increments was the ultimate goal. Anyway, getting back on track...

I keep a journal between the Color parents and myself in order to update them on things they made need or need to know, and it stays at their home. So, last week, when I was ridiculously late, I wrote how profusely apologetic I was and that it would never happen again.

I know, right. Sounds like a good plan. Well, I was late today. Precisely 8 minutes late. I told them I would be ten minutes late, so that was a bit of leeway, but still. THE NEXT BUSINESS DAY!!!??? Really? I mean. Pa.The.Tic.

So, I had let them know that I would be late and apologized more when I arrived. I told them to penalize me or being late, because really, twice in as many days. I say it again: Pa.The.Tic.

So I'm talking to Mr. Color, and he's already spoken with Mrs. Color, and they agree that no penalty is necessary. (I couldn't even feel relief at this so disappointed as I was in myself.) Mr. Color explains that the family works on a system, and that, thought the time isn't necessarily important, the way that it folds into the system is. Which I understand. Kids=routine. Jacked up routine=kids unaware of what is happening next. And that, as some of you know, is not the way to begin tacking a day with 4 children, 3 of them under school age.

Mr. Color finishes his chat with me by saying that I am "released and should not let it weigh on me, that I am forgiven. There's grace."

Ah, there is that pesky word. Grace. I mean, it doesn't even make sense. Grace. If you say it twenty times you forget the definition. (That happens with most words-try it sometime.)

Back to me in my self-pity, punish me, give me what I paid for, let me have it, moment.

I nearly cried. Why? Because I am still learning what grace is. They just, forgave me? No penalty? No dock in payment? No LECTURE? Free. Just like that. Huh. Maybe this grace thing isn't so abstract after all.

At the end of the day, when Mrs. Color came home, she asked how my talk with Mr. Color had gone. I told her, told her that I nearly cried. Told her that I expect to receive what my actions warrant. Told her that it was hard for me to understand and accept what they were telling me, because it goes against my law, my experience, everything in my past. No. I do not forgive you. You get what you paid for. You get nothing from me. I extend judgment and punishment alone.

Not only when I was dealt with, but in my dealings with others.

If my forgiveness was not swift, the anger in its stead was sure to be. I knew nothing of grace.

So today caught me off guard. How in the world did I expect to bring the grace of the Gospel to a late, disorganized, pained and dark city, without understanding what it meant in time and eternity?

That's how we represent Christ. As a non-believer, I wouldn't really know what to do with that situation besides file it under really nice people.

But that's how we show Him. That's how we spread His Gospel. That is how we take this city by storm.

Learn it. Practice it. Live it.

Grace.

It's not about me

2010-11-07T18:13:00.003-05:00

God is stretching me.

Today was our second Preview Service. We plan for about...a month for each of these. Mostly because we have them once a month. Anyway, Friday night, and I'm talking midnight, Donny asks me to do the Connection Card moment. for those of you that know me, I like schedules. I like to be well aware and well-prepared. So, '36 hours' as Donny said hardly seemed enough prep to stand and talk in front of 50 people with little time to practice. I told Adam and Donny that I was scared to be stretched this way.

I know God is in control. And that He gives me the benefit of the doubt when I whip out my planner as if, if I could just write it all down in neat time segments, then I would be in control, able to handle whatever comes. So, when He pulls fast ones on me, I flounder for a bit. Earlier this week I thumbed past 1 Peter 5. In pink highlighter, I have marked: "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

That's exactly what I did. God has called me and extended immeasurable grace to me. I suffered for just a little while, and just a tiny little while in this instance. And He restored me. In all of my feeling nervous and being sure I would stutter for 5 minutes until someone had mercy or Adam called in the dogs, I forgot. The Bible mentions nothing of me restoring myself. It does say that my attempts to redeem myself are proud, ridiculous, and a waste of the existence God offered me. But I can't restore myself. I can't do it alone. In fact, it's not even about me. "The chief end of man is this, to glorify God." I exist to bring Him glory. So, as long as I submit to Him, a living sacrifice, pleasing and acceptable, He will do the rest.

I'm glad I remembered that in time. Otherwise, even a Connection Card moment, done on my own strength, would have been a major disaster. Both for me, and for everyone forced to endure it. So, it's not about me.

"Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me. Lead me to Your heart."

Glad for all this grace.

It's happening

2010-11-05T01:17:00.002-04:00

Again!

How awesome! I had let my passion for Christ become swallowed, overpowered, eroded, whatever, by everything else!

But, how faithful is my God!? 2 Timothy says that even if we are faithless he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself. AAAAHHHH!!!

The passion is growing again. How can a starving man thrive? Duh. This is so exciting.

I forgot. I forgot who I was. I forgot who He is. I forgot that I was Dead. Worthless. Useless. Dirty. Selfish. Insecure.

He loves. He loves. He love. He loves. Not did love, not will love, not old love. Constantly new love. His love never fails. So when I ignore Him, He never fails. When I choose a temporal god, He loves. And He loves without fail, without reserve, without mistake, without regret, without hesitation, without selfish motives. He loves.

Does that not make you crazy?

Create in me a clean heart, that I may worship You. I believe. Help my unbelief.

Understand this.

2010-11-03T00:15:00.003-04:00

He cares.

For no other reason than He himself declares.

But, He cares.

I do believe.

We will never again say ‘Our gods’ to what our own hands have made, for in you the fatherless find compassion.

Hypocrite

2010-10-25T10:30:00.003-04:00

So, I was just thinking, "Is Twitter going to try to get me to switch to the new Twitter every time I sign in? Should I just make the change and deal with it now?"

I know that the change will be awkward and uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I know that I will have to be lost with the new settings and re-find where everything is...It's going to a be about the same amount of work as continuing to press no every time I am asked to upgrade and turn off location updates, and navigate the search options.

Well, isn't that how things work with God. (Disclaimer: God is bigger than Twitter)

Aren't there moments (weeks) of hesitant and unsure transitions before we get used to what He is doing? Granted, by that time we are moving on again, but you see what I mean. I was practically contemplating something completely unnecessary (sshh! don't tell Adam I said that!) while continually delaying similar decisions about my relationship with Christ.

I am a hypocrite. Wow. today is a day for making decisions. New Twitter (cringe). New levels (smaller cringe).

I got a job!

2010-10-25T00:52:00.002-04:00

I have been busting my butt looking for work in all the right/wrong/long shot places. And where do I find it? In front of my face(s) (you know, to make it rhyme).

What else? I am learning things about myself that make me a little uncomfortable. Okay, a lot of uncomfortable.

There were the things that I mostly already knew. Like, I like having a plan because that means that I am in charge and will know immediately if there is any deviation. Knew that. Didn't know, that when I don't have a plan on my person, I notice. Today, I realized that I did not have a list of who was supposed to be doing Kid's Church. So, if anyone asked me, I would not have been able to answer honestly...Does that rock anybody else's boat? I was mentally chastising myself for not writing the names in my planner (which, by the way, I did have with me).

I do not trust God. I trust Him for salvation (most of the time). I trust Him to provide (usually). But, that's pretty much where it stops. I am firm. I know there is a God. I know who He revealed himself to be. I know that He is just and good and righteous. I am firm in these things. But I don't trust Him to fulfill my emotional needs. I don't rely on Him when I have a bad day besides knowing that He cares, yet going elsewhere to ease whatever ache I feel. I am assured of His consistency. But I cannot recall times when I have sought, relied on, or experienced emotional support from Him. I mean, that's hard to do when I don't go to Him. Peace has come. But not really relief.

My self diagnosis is that I trust His actions, His motives, and His character. But, He doesn't seem emotional to me. I know He wept. I know His heart was grieved. I know He turned His face away in anger. But his emotions don't make sense to me. He always knows how things will end, always and forever. So I have a hard time trusting in that. Like Donny said, "If it's not a logical pain to me, then I won't cry." If He knows all, then how is any pain not logical, not simple, not purposeful. How is it worth crying over?

All that to say, I need to understand that. Because how can I trust His Creation's emotions, if I don't trust His? How can I rely on a human if I can't rely on the One who made him or her? How could I ever relate? How could I ever sympathize? How could I ever marry?

Is it even okay for God to be sad? Is it even plausible?

So, I moved...

2010-10-03T22:36:00.003-04:00

Hey there!

How's it going? It's been quite a while since I really gave an update.

Two weeks and two days ago I arrived in Boston...well, a suburb of it at least.
Since then I have had an interview, two TB tests, and some organic food.
I have built a dresser all by my lonesome, wandered around Harvard, MIT and the Charles River.
I have made my first big subway mistake, a great batch of cookies (with Mel's help), and a new friend or two.

And through it all, I am still convinced that God is more than faithful. He's more than I need. He's also much more detail oriented than I am and I should get over it and let Him do what He does best: create masterpieces.

If I allow it, He will make a masterpiece out of the nearly self-destroyed canvas that I was. I was a real piece of work. So glad He can work a real piece.

Because He's not some high and lofty God that refuses to get His hands dirty. No, he came, and he lived like me. Better yet, He lived without half of the comforts I consider routine. Willingly. And if He can make old school scruffy beard, dirty feet and pierced flesh look good, then my mess should be a cinch. My God gets it because he, literally, got in it. How unorthodox to subject yourself to your own creation. To laws you thought up and set in motion but actually have no power over you unless you allow it. Madness!

I serve a mad, detail-oriented, intensely focused God. He did literally everything I couldn't. Praise God for His provision.

I'm glad He's my Dad.

Aletheia Kids!

2010-10-03T22:06:00.005-04:00

Today was Aletheia Boston's first Preview Service.

I was not present to listen to Adam's service, but was able to serve with the kids.

We learned about God's first day of creation. Our memory verse was: God created day, light and dark, and it was good. We read a short lesson, and did two crafts to emphasis the point. The kids glued yellow or black paper onto squares labeled with 'Light' or 'Dark.' Then they colored pictures of the Solar system (the teachers had a bit of a tough time remembering the order of planets-Ben did an excellent job of redeeming the older folks in the room).

And, I must say: What a Pleasure!

I had such a great time with the children today. We had snack. We discussed the truth of God's Creation. We spoke kindly to each other. We spoke truthfully to each other. The parents of Aletheia are doing a fantastic job of raising their children in the Truth. And it reflects when Mom and Dad are not around.

But even if there would have been a Goldfish smashing extravaganza, a massive glue eating contest, and a lesson that took physical restraint to get through, God would still have been glorified. Christ would still have been preached. Children will still have been a joy.

See, I came with expectation, as Adam told me to, and I took a little time to pray for the service. And God does not disappoint. God promises many things, but the greatest, outside of undeserved salvation, is that He hears us. And not only that He hears, but that He RESPONDS!

What a great God. What an awesome God. Who am I that He gives two hoots?

Being with the kids today was a pleasure. Being with family today was a pleasure. Being a child of the light is a pleasure.

Thank you to the parents of Aletheia Boston. Thank you for fighting for your marriages, for your children, for the advancement of the Gospel. Your children are a blessing to the workers. Your hard work, your dedication, your discipline in training your children are noticed and appreciated.

So, what a pleasure. What a pleasure, to know and love your children.

Thank you.

Back in business!

2010-04-05T11:36:00.005-04:00

In the shower this morning, and God asks, "Are you ready for another vision?"

Surprised, I said 'Yes.'

This, then, is what I saw and heard:

I am standing in a palace, the doors have been opened, and I am looking out of them.
There is a long, wide field of knee-high green grass, swaying in the breeze. It was so very peaceful.
Slicing it's way through the grass is a white horse and its rider, male.
He comes to me, and hands me a scroll. It is a message. I open it, while he stands and waits.
The message reads: Your people are at war. They are surrounded on all of their borders and the enemy is attacking them at will.
The rider turns his horse around and begins to race away.
I yell after him, 'Where are you going?"
Looking behind him as he rides away, he replies, "To where but war?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

What I got from that:

That's why I read Esther this morning!
It is okay to enjoy peacefulness, but not while there is fighting to be done. How can I rest in peaceful country while my people are at war.
Every soldier is needed, which is why the rider did not wait for me to make a decision. He was rushing off to join the glorious fight.
Am I fighting today? Or am I taking my solace at the expense of someone who does not know the Christ, and is losing the fight?

I will fight. I will join the battle. For the Prince of Peace is always with me. My rest is portable.

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." -Hebrews 10:39

Refreshed!

2010-03-18T00:16:00.002-04:00

I have been refreshed!

During the trip to Boston, I spent more time in my word than I have since. Not a good thing. So, of course, I've been tired. Felt like I was running on E a few times, in sleep, time and emotions.

But, at the ENCM Prayer Meeting from 5:30-6:30, I just focused on who God was, and trying to speak those words out loud (in one language or another).

Actually, I think my refreshing came before then. It was just Brandon and I, Johnny was usually there first, but this time it was the two of us. And it was all God's doing. We got into the room and Brandon asked me how the trip to Boston went. Well, that lead me to say it had been great, which it was. Then he asked me why I had considered moving to Boston, and I told him I hadn't. In my explaining, I told him the story and recounted what I had been going through about the Fishers deuce-ing out. He's such a great listener. I think I may have taken advantage of that, talking longer than my turn should have allowed.

Then he told me about what had been going on with him. As he did, I realized that he had matured while I wasn't looking. That Brandon had grown so much, in a short time, and maybe in ways he hadn't even realized yet. But, he's an awesome kid, and I'm glad God let us know each other.

Having someone to sit and talk with, with no distractions, no danger of interruption, even no action you would rather be performing was beautiful. As we talked, I remember thinking how great it was to just sit and talk with my brother, with no ulterior motives from either of us, to hear and be heard. I love the brotherhood of believers, and I thank all of those who submit and serve it.

Then, we had a great prayer meeting. I pushed for some simplifying, and compromised when Johnny pushed to have some things on the board. He was the spiritual authority at the time, he kind of runs the prayer meetings in lieu of Donny, so I practiced obedience. But, it was great. At the core, from beginning to end, there was me, Brandon, Melanie, Johnny, Laura. Others, Conrad, Dave, Rajat, Amber, Elizabeth, Derek all came and went at different times.

Johnny had all of us take a few minutes (5 he said, but it only felt like 2 at most) and get into God's presence. That was great. I want to practice that more. Of just saying what He is, Him giving me pictures and ideas and words to help me understand that part of Him, and then leaning into Him more and more from there.

Afterward, Dena and I had accountability and she had had a vision for me. It was a flower on a hill, with nothing else around it, almost cartoonish. And there was a bucket watering the flower. She thought it was for her, but the words I told her God said to me confirmed that it was for me, instead. Thanks, Lord.

Anyway, back to the vision. Flower alone on a hill, water bucket watering it. These were the words that were either said of somehow conveyed: I planted you. You're beautiful. I will water you. I will make sure you grow. Don't be scared.

At the end of the prayer meeting, Brandon said that we should all take a minute and see what God had to say to each of us. Here's what I got, and what I told Dena I had heard God say:

Steady.
Sacred.
Safe.

That, I should 'Hold Steady.'
That what we (God and I) had, was sacred.
That I was safe.

What a great evening.

ENCM had more attendees than I expected by a long shot. People filled out their waivers for Campus Harvest. I am able to have great conversations without any feelings or awkwardness with one of my brothers. I'm finally enjoying this stage of life. I have only a little time left. I love this place. And I will miss it dearly.

*Finally, a real blog. Sorry it took me so long.

I want this to be true of me.

2010-02-17T23:30:00.001-05:00

**Totally surrendered to Your embrace**

Good Intentions

2010-02-12T23:08:00.001-05:00

I was gonna write a blog tonight. But not I'm just tired. Lots to tell and do tomorrow!

Hope to see you here.

lexi

Jesus is the real deal.

2010-02-10T01:38:00.002-05:00

I love God.

That's all for now.

Hoping to pick up this blogging thing again, soon.

Frustration

2009-11-13T00:07:00.002-05:00

I must have absolutely lost my mind to trust something I cannot see.

To continue to try to build with someone who is taking others away.

To expect an embrace from someone I say no to.

To feel anger towards someone who never provoked me.

I must be crazy.

To allow myself to become so attached.

That it hurts to think of the relationships changing.

That it feels like they were a failure.

As if they never happened.

And still expect that someone to look out for me.

Yeah. I have definitely lost it.

To feel anger. Such anger. Such abandonment.

And still try to hang on.

Why go deeper?

Why make memories?

Why care?

When it'll all be waste a year from now?

Well, obviously, I don't believe that.

That's why I trust. And build. And respond. And allow the anger to dissipate.

Because I believe in the one I can't see.

And I still know that he knows the best for me.

But shoot. His timing so sucks.

An Experiment, of sorts

2009-11-10T20:53:00.003-05:00

Reading lyrics to songs makes me want to write. Write like I used to. When I would put my feelings to words, and the words would put feeling to themselves. There was a time when I was aware of what emotions I was feeling. A time when it was at least tempered if not filtered. And that time saw endless ups and downs, but at least they were marked clearly. And some of it embarrassed me, and some I won't permit you to see...but it was me. It was raw and unchanged. And it gave me a sense to make sense of this rage and now I can't find it, it's difficult to see because it's been so long that I long to be me. And what of this confusion? Confused I can't be. But the record keeps playing, what used to be me. And the sound of the lyrics is haunting my dreams and I can't keep the writing from coming in screams. There's no need to appease this beast that's in me, but it's me that I long for and me I can't see. Now the writing is coming and it's taunting in jest, but i like that it's flowing-I don't need any rest. Cause the moment is here now, and release is in sight, cause there's no other way to be fighting this fight and if you try to stop me, I'll bulldoze you down, cause the lost isn't lost now and I have been found.

Now on to the next verse, and on to the ground, there's no turning back...there's no slowing down. The only way is through, cause I've been around, and it always ends up that I'm not up, but down. And the fact that it's round, and the clown isn't brown, and now what I'm writing to you seems unsound. But it's real, can't you see it? The words are alive. And just try, can't you breathe it? It leaves in a sigh. Such a marvelous feeling, the escape of the kept, no longer hiding, no longer swept- By the winds and the rains and the fairytale songs. But out it keeps drawing and it's drawing you along. But it's okay to feel it. It's fine to be lost. Nope, there's no way to kill it, for you've counted the cost. And to stop now, oh now, would be a mistake. You signed on the line and accepted the stakes. So keep on to the third, I promise a prize. But you'll never find it if you look with your eyes...

Alas, to the third verse. And what, you discover? There's no need to brood. There's no need to hover. You're closer than ever, just reach our your arm. That's it, you feel it. No call for alarm. The freedom. You taste it? It's ever so true. It belongs to me... I belong to you. So, come, let us share it, there's more than enough. This freedom is tested. This freedom is tough. But it comes with a price that is higher than most, and I don't mean to boast, but here comes a toast: I've done it, my love. I've found it again. The joy that overcomes when I'm strapped with a pen. And the, feeling's momentous, I don't want to let go. But I know there are others who're part of this show. But, the last words, I'll end on, boy they'll be a treat. I only wish, this was put, to a beat...

To the one who is true, and the one whom I love, this toast is for you, from your only dove.

Chaos (spoken word?)

2009-11-07T14:59:00.002-05:00

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

This song is my anthem right now. Everything going on right now, especially emotionally, feels like absolute chaos. I am definitely not in control, and though I hate it, God loves it. I'm finally learning what it feels like to give over control to the One who knows what's best for me. It feels like falling. It feels like losing touch. It feels like chaos. And it's exhilarating. It's breath-taking. It's marvelous. And now that I've tasted it, I can't get enough. I can't let go now. I can't turn around. I can't leave the One who is enamored with me. The One who I am betrothed to. The One who has taken my life into His hands. His hands that are firm. His hands that are sure. His hands that will never let me go. And I can't turn around. And I can't give up. And I can't turn my back. This is it. This is what I live for. This is what I desire. This, this feeling. This reality. This loss of control. This, chaos. This chaos that has consumed me. This consuming fire. This refiner's fire. It is what I longed for. And now that I am in it, I'm not getting out. I'm not giving up. I'm not going to run. So, whatever you're doing, inside of me. It feels like chaos, but it, too, makes me free.

Christ the King.

Websites on religion

2009-08-08T21:40:00.005-04:00

http://www.leaderu.com/jhs/dallas-expanded.html

http://www.leaderu.com/jhs/dallas.html#Religious2

http://peacebyjesus.witnesstoday.org/IsHomosexualitySin.html

http://peacebyjesus.witnesstoday.org/Homosexuality_and_the_Bible_Wink.html

http://www.utlm.org/testimony/chworldtestimony.htm

http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-walter-wink

http://www.religionfacts.com/christianity/charts/christianity_islam.htm

http://www.dianedew.com/islam.htm

http://www.faithfreedom.org/oped/JamesByrne30526.htm

http://www.religionfacts.com/jehovahs_witnesses/comparison.htm

http://www.religionfacts.com/jehovahs_witnesses/comparison.htm

http://www.cftf.com/booklets/jwslisten/pingpong.htm

http://www.godandscience.org/cults/jwdiff.html

http://contenderministries.org/jehovahswitnesses/comparison.php

http://www.christiananswers.net/menu-ar1.html

Riddle me this...

2009-08-08T20:52:00.001-04:00

As Wink puts it, “We are freed from bibliolatry, the worship of the bible. It is restored to its proper place as witness to the Word of God. And that word is a Person, not a book.”

-Taken from a friend's paper.

Walter Wink said this. Any thoughts on it?

Oops

2009-08-05T23:51:00.000-04:00

So, no real thing to blog about now. I have karate at 7am, and I need to get to bed. I will work on blogging. Don't have my computer right now, so it's hard to keep up with everything. Hope you all are doing fine. Feel free to comment whatever on this blog. Love you all.

lexi

These are my Confessions...

2009-06-03T09:57:00.005-04:00

I wrote this yesterday, while thinking about my current situation and what I needed to do to reconcile myself back to my Dad. Sorry if you don't understand all of it. I already read it to God, so He's okay with me sharing it. Haha.

Here goes:

Lord, I'm sorry that I need you
yet give you none of me.
I apologize for ignoring you
though you are who set me free.
And I wish I did not need you, Lord.
Believe me, this is true.
Because then I wouldn't harm you, Lord.
My sins would not be grieving you.
I confess my sins to you, O God
and lay it down before your feet.
I am ashamed to say, today, O God
that many of them repeat.
For the lusting thoughts, O God
for the joking of the ring
I turned my heart to a new man.
I turned away from you, my King.
I get so caught up in the thoughts
of dreaming of what is ahead
that I don't choose the narrow path,
bring a stranger to my Lover's bed.
And I have visions of you, God,
things I can dwell on in truth.
Like learning not to run away
from the Husband of my youth.
Do not let these sins remain.
Do not allow me to contain
gifts that power give domain
and from bragging, I don't refrain.
Deal with me as you see fit.
Your kingdom, I'm a part of it
But, in judgement, remember this...
Turn the page. I'm on the list.

Any comments?

Preparing for a life group, Summer 2009

2009-06-01T09:09:00.005-04:00

Chapter 2: Who is Esther?

Esther was:

A captive

An orphan

Beautiful: lovely in both form and features-her physical traits AND how she held herself-form

There for at least 4 years!

Patient!

full of favor from God-Hegai gave her 7 maids and the best room in the place!

(devout in her faith)

Obedient-to Mordecai, did not reveal her family background

Open to suggestions on how to improve-wore only what Hegai suggested, and it worked!

In good care: though her own parents were dead, she was obedient to the father God had provided her. He took care of her from childhood and walked, every day, back and forth to see how she was doing. 4 years!

Made queen-given a crown and a royal position

Honored by her king-even though he did not believe as she did, he honored her because of who she was

Given a great banquet and a holiday-it is likely that she appeared at the feast after the coronation, maybe receiving the praise of obedience where Vashti had taken the blot of disobedience

Humble-she gave credit to Mordecai

Still obedient to the father of her youth

Chapter 3: What we don't want

Weigh In

2009-05-28T10:12:00.001-04:00

Read:

"How can we convince them to take the medicine if we can’t convince them they are sick? Sin destroys…that is part of our message."

I saw this quote in response to another blog.

From any corner, view and issue you want to take it from, tell me your thoughts on this quote.

I'll blog about it in a few days myself.

Desperate

2009-05-27T10:03:00.003-04:00

I am desperate, desperate, for more of You
and I can't wait another day to see You move
how my heart is hungry for the chance
to sit at Your feet and feel Your presence
feel Your presence in the deepest part of me.

Sometimes, sometimes I feel so desperate for a touch from my Lord that I am near tears.
Sometimes, just the thought of Him is enough for my heart to beat irregularly.
Sometimes, I feel a great wave of emotion for no other reason than His existence.
Sometimes, I feel like letting go, but don't know how, and don;t know if I'll regret it later.

Today, is one of those sometimes.
I feel like almost anything could bring me to tears right now.
I don't know how much my 'strong ' facade can take.
I'm not sure if I'll lose it today.

God, I am desperate for You. I am desperate for You to do something in my life. I am desperate for you to take over, because I can't lead this life on my own. Dad, I need you. During worship Sunday, you stood before me and I sang a song something like this to You Lord: "I remember, when you were with me. And then You left me, no, I left You. But I feel You now, please come back to me. I feel Your Presence-I need You. I need You. I need You. I need You." That still holds true for me, Father, even now. You are my hope. I like the song: In You we live, Lord, In You we move. In You we breathe, and have our being." How true, God. How true that all we are is because of You. That this chance at life is because of the sacrifice of your Son's.
Hear our prayer
Spirit come.
How I long
for Your sweet touch.
Amen.

2009-05-26T00:18:00.002-04:00

been a long while. just wanted to post something so i didn't go any longer without writing a blog.

oh, i don't think i'm going to mexico this summer.

there. there's your fix. see you in a week!

lexi

An email I recieved

2009-05-11T00:30:00.002-04:00

*The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher *
*

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of
fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Worship

2009-04-26T21:23:00.002-04:00

In light of recent prophecies, finding of old visions, and a renewed appreciation for who God is, I am in the mood to worship!

But, it seems that nothing I am doing, or can do, is, or will ever be, enough to express to my God how thankful I am, or who brilliant He is.

I can sing, shout, dance, spin in circles, speak in tongues, tell others about Him, bow prostrate before Him, weep endlessly, jump in pure elation, say thank you with every coming breath, feed orphans and widows, give to great causes, advance the Kingdom, and yet...none of it seems enough. None of it comes anywhere near even a glimpse of how marvelous my King is!

How frustrating it must be to constantly be in this reality.

How helpless we feel when we cannot contain and simultaneously not express the joy our Lord has given us.

If only You had given us mouths to speak, Adonai, Dayenu!

Aaahhhh! How can I express my love for my God!?
My heart is exploding, but my chest cannot release the full of it's power.

Help me to worship You in spirit and truth. Help me to do all I can to praise you.

You have filled my heart with wonder. You made me to worship. Lead me to worship You.

How He loves us

2009-04-21T21:14:00.001-04:00

This has been my jam all day. Praise God! I really enjoy these lyrics.

Oh How He Loves Us–Jesus Culture

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so

Yeah He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

We are His portion, and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy, wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

Frustrated Love

2009-04-20T01:13:00.003-04:00

Is it possible to be well-adjusted just because you have to?

I really don't know why God chose me.

Sometimes I wish He hadn't. Cause I don't feel worthy. I don't like that there's a price and a gift that I can never repay, or cancel out. And, I mean, I get it. But, man, it would almost be easier if He hadn't. If I had been able to take all the hate and rage and bitterness with me to my early grave. At least then I would have gotten what I deserved. Wouldn't be under some God that expects the most impossible things from me. Expects me to be secure, and solid and trusting. Sometimes, sometimes I just can't! I can't and I don't want to.

And I feel like He loves me too much. Puts too much into me. Into our relationship. The way He is with me. How gentle and loving He approaches me. Like I'm so gentle, and He can't move slow enough, because I might break.

And other times, other times I think that He's rougher with me. And I know it's me, because He never changes. It's always my attitude. And I feel like collapsing into tears so much lately. But I won't, because that's weak. It's not what a strong person does. There is no last straw for those that bear others' secrets. Nor that bear their own.

God, I don't know what to do with this love. You can't expect me to handle this well. Why do you want so much of me? So much for me? Why isn't it enough to just save my soul? Why isn't it enough to call my name? Why can't you be satisfied with the least of me?

What is it that you see that's worth preserving? That's worth dying for? Why do you take pity on me?

I just want to scream and pull at my hair and question Him. But I can't face Him. I just think about Job, and how God responded to him. I don't want to darken the counsel of the Creator of the universe without wisdom and understanding.

I don't get it God. I just don't freaking get it!

Mornin'

2009-04-18T08:56:00.001-04:00

Top o' the Mornin' to ya!

Hey there, faithful readers. I am sorry for making all of you go without for so long.

Hope I didn't come off as depressed or crazy. But if I did, at least the crazy part's true.

Anywho, every since I began going to 7am prayer Tuesdays and Thursday, I have been getting woken up early. I mean, God is taking this whole, making me into a Proverbs 31 woman seriously.

I did not set an alarm for this morning, and yet, 8am sharp, who's up? Yep. Me! Um, Jesus...it's Saturday. But, I feel rested, and that is all I really need.

But I wake up with the Spirit of God around me. I can feel Him trying to get closer to me. And I love that. I love that, as soon as I wake, my God is there beside me, and my spirit eagerly desires to commune with Him.

This morning I woke with these lyrics in my mind: I am desperate, desperate, for more of You. And I can't wait another, day to see You move. How my heart is hungry, for the chance, to sit at Your feet, and feel Your presence, feel Your presence in the deepest part of me."

And it was followed by this prayer: God, I AM desperate for you. Only you can fill me and never disappoint me. God, I need you right now. I have never before felt this way, never before felt this need for you. I feel like something new has been woken inside of me, and now it won't go away. God, I need only you. Lord, please be my everything, as you've always been, please continue to be. I need you to fill me God. Keep my eyes on you."

I love my Lord. And I can't wrap my mind around Him loving me. In this time of internal chaos, and external storm, I can feel the might of my God. His power has never left me. His Spirit has never forsaken me. His strength is something that I know is real just as much as I am. My God is a consuming fire! His jealousy for me is righteous and loving. No greater love has a man than to lay down his life for his friend. I know of no other, no not another, king like my King, Jesus.

Thanks for reading this, hope it encourages you. Seek His face. Pray for more. He will deliver, and whatever wait or trial, would have been worth it.

"You are clothed with splendor and majesty. He wraps Himself in light, as with a garment." Psalm 104

Today

2009-04-13T14:25:00.008-04:00

This morning, my God woke me up, as He does every morning.

But this time, I think it was to spend some time with me. To give me a little extra for today.

And now, I realize why. Instead of focusing on my love for my Lord, I had wandering eyes, and my steadfast heart wavered a little.

Even though I've memorized Proverbs 4:23 "But above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.", I did poorly in my application of it.

I thank God that my 'crush' was shared with a godly man. Someone who did not take advantage of it. After consulting with others, and praying about it he's decided to not pursue anything, and I agree.

But it does hurt a little. Should it? I don't think so. I let my guard down. Opened myself up to dwell on things I was not, am not, ready for.

So, today, I hope it's okay, to cry a little cry for you.
And, today, I hope it's okay, to shed a few tears for us too.
For tomorrow, it's easy to say, that God's will is where I'll go,
But, please, today, I hope it's okay, to let me feel this sorrow.

Well, today, it may be okay, to look forward and move ahead.
But, tonight, when I'm away from light, and snuggled in my bed,
And, this eve, as I float between, sheet and comforter warm,
that tonight, it will be alright, and I will be unharmed by this storm.

You know, today, I don't feel okay, my shaky hands are a sign,
That, last night, I took it not slight, that you just might be mine.
And, so soon, this afternoon, reality came cold and wet,
that, tonight, I hope it's alright, if I shed a few tears in your stead.

So, today, I hope it's okay, to cry a little cry for you.
And, today, I hope it's okay, to shed a few tears for us too.
For tomorrow, it's easy to say, that God's will is where I'll go,
But, please, today, I hope it's okay, to let me feel this sorrow.

*I'll miss you* (^_^)

This Morning

2009-04-13T08:18:00.004-04:00

So, today I was woken up at 7:48am.
There was no alarm, no loud sound. No groggy feeling and desire to return to sleep.
Just a stillness that I knew meant my God wanted to speak with me.
He told me some stuff like, turn to channel 12. The day show was on, I think.
(I think that was just a test of my obedience.)
Anyway, God showed me something like this:
A father, holding his daughter is what looks to be the softest, fluffiest pink blanket ever. And he offers her to a man standing in front of him, with a sorrow so clear in your eyes, you feel it in your own heart. I still feel it. And God seemed to say something like this, : "Such it is when a man gives his daughter away to marriage."
Another vision was the same father, but this time the daughter was a toddler. He was walking her down the aisle.
And God said this, : "Such is it for any man who gives his daughter's hand in marriage."

Understanding? No matter what the age, a father always feels as though he is giving his baby (literally), baby girl to someone else. It is the strength of the father, to give his daughter into another man's protection, to trust another human with his daughter's life, but it is also his sorrow.

Then, God danced with me. La Rumba and the Hustle. While spinning and stepping, I spoke to God my recent worries and prayers. Ending our dance with me hugging his waist, admitting that I wanted to be nothing but His.

I lay on the floor, prostrate in prayer.
I'll try to explain what I saw.
Imagine this: A man walks up, his face is a blur, he has on a tan hat. He walks a few steps, and stops as he reaches a tree with small, round red berries all over it. His hand, only a blur, the fingers are not readily distinguishable, lifts up, and removes a berry from it's own pair of leaves. An older man, the father, watches from the tree, hidden mostly by the other leaves and branches. At this moment, the feeling he has is mostly bitter, the sweet has yet to come.

God whispers this to me, "Like a man picking the choicest berry from a tree, is a daughter plucked from the hands of her father."

Understanding? Parents spend their lives, the better part at least, nurturing us, and attempting to prune all the bad things from us. Time, effort, love and care are poured into us. Yet, a man can come, and, in the blink of an eye, remove us from his (the father's) reach of care and protection.
We (the daughters) now fit in the palm of this new hand. The hand of our husband, trusting that he will never throw us to the ground unwanted, or crush out of us the little juice we can muster with his heel. And our father watches, hoping the same. Though the tree provides everything the berry needs during its time attached to it, once it falls, or is removed, from the tree, the only thing it takes with it, is hope.

Yikes!
Anybody out there have questions, comments, concerns?
Any wise interpretations?
I'm all ears!

To-Do

2009-04-11T18:23:00.002-04:00

I need to study for my Physics test on Monday.
I need to to laundry.
I need to do my Physics Homework.
I should probably, sometime this year, get around to cleaning my room.
I need to do more quiet time.
I gotta get a money order.
Need to make some dinner.
Need to clean the sink in the bathroom.
Gotta take the trash, too.
Should do my LON-CAPA Pre-Lab.
It'd be a good idea to call my mom.
Need to check myself, cause I'm losing it.
Gotta potty. :P

Oh, I ache.

2009-04-11T14:41:00.002-04:00

Today, upon sitting up in bed, I was immediately informed that I was sore all over.

My arms, abs and legs all protested as I stood up.

Boy, I have no idea why I'm so sore. I can only think that Sensei worked us really hard in class Friday...but I also did Karate for 4 straight days, instead of twice with a day in-between.

But,

I also ache for my Lord.

How He must have felt when God turned his face away. How He must have ached.

I thank my King for being willing to withstand my torture for me. With no thought of His own comfort.

Thank you, King, for trading your life for mine. I was unworthy then, and I am even more unworthy now.

Humbly, I bow before the throne that is established in love, where a man sits on it in faithfulness.

I look forward to the return of my Lord, but only after his will has been accomplished on this Earth.

Celebrate!

HE is RISEN!

Something Terrifying

2009-04-10T23:32:00.002-04:00

So, I just shared the Gospel with someone via Facebook messages.

Wow.

This could go many ways.

But I hope it goes the way of the cross!

Prayer, please, saints. Let's get some cover for this weekend.

Powerful time for the Kingdom. Let's add another crushing blow to Satan's agenda!

Colossians 2:13-15

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

Go Team Jesus!

Birthday Celebration Dinner!

2009-04-05T01:14:00.004-04:00

I had such a great time celebrating with the best people tonight!

We went to Applebee's and had a blast.

Those who went were:
Arthur, Alyssa, Quentyn, Derek, Susan, Ross, Grace, Roberto, Joel, Afrika, Lashad, Rajat, Kelsey, Josh, me, Justin, Niegel, Dena, and I think one or two others.

We had a cute waiter who kept winking at everyone, but was good otherwise.

The food was great and I have leftovers. Susan paid for my food.

I had 2 drinks: a Main Street margarita and a Jack and Coke (first whiskey ever). I only paid for one drink.

I laughed a lot. Susan laughed at me a lot.

I got to hold a baby in the bathroom.

I got a free birthday sundae.

I am blessed to have wonderful people to share my life with. Thank you, Lord, for these precious gifts. I love them all, amen.

I have had a wonderful week. I celebrated my birthday, literally, for a week.

And Shanna Miller is taking me to hang out after church tomorrow.

Score!

Whirlwind

2009-04-04T13:46:00.001-04:00

Lately, I feel like everything has been changing around me. There was nothing I could do to alter what was happening. There was nothing I could do to slow any of it down.

Some of the things were: a very sick grandmother (who is still very sick, please pray God's will is done), a 12-page paper, one exam, regular classes, work, the Veritas Forum (behind the scenes and the actual event), trying not to crush on someone, responsibilities of my position in my church, changing my major, planning my summer and fall, my birthday, somewhat arguing with God, struggling to keep my quiet time, comforting a friend, keeping up with people and relationships that are too complex for me...

whew!

I just feel like there was so much going on, and nothing I could do about any of it. There were days in there where I just felt like crying and giving up. I just wanted to say, "Screw it." and let everything play out however. But I didn't. God definitely granted me peace in this whirlwind of events.

I was also on this ridiculous emotional roller coaster. I felt like crying, so many days, on so many occasions, for what seemed like no reason. I would be eating and a sorrow like no other would come on me. I would lose my appetite, tear up. I mean, I don't know where this stuff comes from. I know I have been feeling pretty helpless about my grandmother being sick. I can't be there because I am about 4 1/2 hours away, and can give no comfort but a few phone calls a day. And the only one who really knows what's going on is her, and she's too sick to give specifics.

I just, it's been so crazy for me, and I don't know how to deal with all this stuff, except to trust God. And it was hard. I was getting almost angry with God. I was frustrated, and couldn't let it show because it was no one's fault. I had all these bottled up emotions, and no one to vent them to, no way to legitimize my feelings because I had no idea where they were breaching from in the first place.

It has been such a tough last 2 weeks. While they were filled with joy, I couldn't let myself fall into it completely, because there was so much else that I was thinking on.

It has been a crazy whirlwind of emotions, events, happenings, and news the past few weeks, and I'm not sure how I handled it.

Well, I hope. What do you guys think?

So, this is fun

2009-04-03T20:32:00.003-04:00

I have some rather superficial news:

I think I may have finally developed a crush on someone.

Now how substantiated or serious this crush is is yet to be determined.
Hm, it's just really weird. It's been over 2 years since my last relationship, and just as long since I've been interested in anyone.
It's fun though.
I don't dissolve into giggles around him, if you're wondering.
I just enjoy his presence.
Enjoy his smile.
I wonder...

Well, let's just see what happens next...

I sang this song to my God!

2009-03-29T09:15:00.003-04:00

From Isaiah 12 (mostly)

With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation!
With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation! (2 times)

With joy! With joy! With joy (held a little longer)! (maybe not here)

My God is a cistern! My God is a cistern!
My God is a cistern! My God is a cistern!
My God, is a cistern! My God, is a cistern!
My God, is a cistern! My God, is a cistern!

With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation!
With joy! I draw water from the wells of salvation! (2 times)

With joy! With joy! With joy (held a little longer)!

Give thanks to the Lord and call on His name
Make known among the nations, all His people proclaim
That His name is exalted, He's done glorious things
Let all the people bow in respect for our King!
Let all the people bow at the throne of our King.
Everyone will bow, at the feet of our King!

For great is the Holy One of Israel among us!
For great is the Holy One of Israel among us.
For great is the Holy One of Israel among us.

With joy! With joy! With joy!

Examples of God not being funny

2009-03-28T05:11:00.006-04:00

Someone pulling the fire alarm at my apartments. That alarm sounding for 2 hours.
Being woken up, at 4:44am by the guys above me thumping like little bunny foo-foo.
Finding an unknown liquid dripping from my SMOKE DETECTOR at 5:00am.
Attempting to see why my ceiling is leaking and being confronted with: confused looks and a what I'm sure is a pretty plastered minor.
Staying up at 5:15am, waiting for the maintenance men and security.
Having only slept ~4 hours tonight and 3 hours last night.
Actually LOOKING as if I need more sleep.

Oh, the joys of Christianity.

Addendum(edited at ~6:05am): Other things that are not funny.

The guys from upstairs telling me they had no plumbing problems, and even invited me to come in and see for myself. I declined.
At 6:00am, the maintenance man confirming that they had in fact stopped up their toilet and flooded the bathroom.

One thing that is funny:

The maintenance man made them soak it up with their own towels.

Goodnight and Good Riddance.

Whew!

2009-03-26T23:30:00.003-04:00

What I was faced with today:

A crying grandmother
Anger at a family member
A missed class
Chalking for the first time!
Rain
Chalking getting rained away
Divine appointments
Encouragement
Challenges
A great lesson on faith
A stern talking to from God
An eye-opening quiet time

How I dealt with it:

Not that great. Some things I took in stride, others not so much. For example, I was not enthused about my conversation with God. And I remember Him saying, "I know this isn't what you want to hear."

All in all, it was an easy day. None of my family died. None of my friends had a crisis. I am healthy. My biggest concern is a simple fix for my God.

Oh, God. Teach me to be thankful. Teach me to approach each day with the attitude of Christ. Help me to be alert and open to lessons and opportunities that you allow to fall into my lap. Thank you for the divine appointments. Thank you for answering my prayer to draw nearer to me. Thank you for the ability to experience Your presence, I welcome your Spirit and a greater sensitivity to the spiritual realm. Help me to be a light to my friends and a friend to the lost. Jesus, continue to convict and change me. I am wholly yours. Do with me as you will. Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.

Amen.

A day of days

2009-03-25T18:10:00.004-04:00

Things I have faced today:

A very sick Grandmother
A friend whose parents sleep in separate bedrooms; is on the rocks with their significant other of about 7 years
A non-believer who thinks god is a woman
A Physics test
Financial aid information
Hoops with my cell phone company
Work
Forgetting a commitment
A Worthy Lamb.

Here's what I did about those situations (in order):

Turned it over to God
Told them to turn it over to God
Invited them to the Veritas Forum
Prayed
Rejoiced
Dealt with it
Did it
Apologized
Praised.

I feel whooped. And I didn't even really DO anything. God is in control. I am a stinking peon to His greatness. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. My God gave boundaries to the sea, told it where its proud waves were to halt. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God.

He is worthy. He is powerful. He is mighty. Praise Him, for his very Essence is love for you. Praise Him. Praise Him. Praise Him.

I feel a relentless joy for my Creator.

Who am I that God is mindful of me.

Show me your face, dear Lord. Show me your beauty. As Moses said, "Now show me your glory."

I welcome your presence. I welcome your Spirit. Empty me God, and fill me with You.

As I lay my life... All things Casting Crowns

2009-03-24T00:51:00.003-04:00

Careless, I am reckless
I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man
Burnt out, I'm so numb now
That the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life
Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

Cry, like so many times before
But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord
I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through
Between the altar and the door

I'm trying so hard, to stop trying so hard.
Just let You be who you are, Lord who You are in me.
Jesus I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard,
just let You be who you are, who You are in me.
-----
Somewhere between who I was, and who you're making me,
somewhere in the middle you'll find me.
Just how close can i get Lord, to my surrender,
without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence
Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense.
Deep water faith in the shallow end.
And we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences.
the god we want, and the God who IS.
--------

Giver of every breath I breathe
Author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing
To You be the glory
Maker of Heaven and of Earth
No one can comprehend Your worth
King over all the universe
To You be the glory
----------

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant
---------

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
--------

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you
-------------

For You are awesome, God of the Nations,
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages, Alpha, Omega
You're worthy of all praise
----------

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "Boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
----------

United States of America
Looks like another silent night
As we're sung to sleep by philosophies
That save the trees and kill the children
----------

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
----------

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
---------

You're the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords
You're the Master of the Universe
You're the Ruler of all Nations
-----------

I will trust and not be afraid.

2009-03-05T15:13:00.002-05:00

I love God.

I have just made a pretty big decision, big to me at least. And I can't thank God enough for being faithful. He is right here with me. Never flinching in His devotion to me. Never withdrawing His care. Never hesitating to let me know He already has a plan.

I love my GOD!

There is a lot going on in my life right now, as is always, as in everyone's life. But, I was not handling it very well. And I may have even been to hasty in some things. But my God loves me. He consistently speaks encouragement and truth to me. I can't get far enough away from His love. He is mighty, and He will have His way. (Isa 46:10)

God is Awesome!

He's always there. He has made known the end from the beginning. God is not surprised or stumped by my situations. He is in control.

God, I am sorry for giving you the reigns of my life only to take them back every time I see an obstacle. LORD, forgive me for having fleeting and weak devotion to You. Please help me to trust You more. To be submissive and humble, in all things, in every situation. I will eat what you give me. I will receive all that you have for me. I will be obedient, even to death. Help me, Jesus, to live to be the woman You gave your life for. Amen.

Morning Glory Pt. 3

2009-02-20T01:19:00.001-05:00

Don’t let them wander to the wayside,
Pick them up when they fall down.
For every soul is precious,
Every one has been purchased a crown.

And remember, the world hates you,
I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.
Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
And respond as your Savior would.”

I sensed the time was coming,
When I would have to walk ahead.
I knew others were following me
And I must shepherd in my Shepherd’s stead.

Jesus put His arms around me.
He hugged me tight and sure.
“Keep the lamp of your body bright.
Make sure your eyes are pure.

Do not make war with flesh, dear child,
For against flesh you do not fight.
But bind the evil one’s plans
Defeat him with the light.”

I bid farewell, and ran ahead
Running faster than I knew,
I tripped and stumbled, but was caught
In the strong arms of you know Who.

Jesus has all power and might
all strength and authority
But he desires only one thing
To love and be loved by thee.

-Sorry it took me so long (Joel). Hope you all liked it.

Morning Glory, Pt. 2

2009-02-04T23:18:00.001-05:00

“It’s okay Jesus. Please, don’t cry.”
Oh, my heart aches.
That I have caused such tears to fall
By making such foolish (so many/the same) mistakes.

“I can help, Lord. I will tell them.
I’ll them of You, that Your love never fails.
That there’s none like you in all the heavens
And that your power and Kingdom always prevails.

I’ll make sure they know, Lord.
I’ll, I’ll do whatever you say.
Just please, please don’t cry Jesus,
I can’t bear to see You hurt this way.”

I'm stumbling and sputtering,
Tears falling from my own eyes.
He’s using His robe to dry them
And He’s shoosh-ing my cries.

“Oh, what can I do to comfort You?
How can I ease your pain?”
“Go, child, to the ends of the earth,
Loving them in My Name.

And when you’re stopped and taunted,
When they try to fill you with shame,
Continue to preach, even in your pain
And never, never cease to proclaim:

‘Jesus reigns. He’s exalted on high.
And when he ascended into the sky
He went to prepare, a place for you and I
And He loves you child, He loves you, YOU were the reason He died.”

Then Jesus shook His head
Said, “Let’s keep going down this road.
Soon many more will join us,
Many souls we will behold.”

Grabbing me by the shoulders,
He looks me in the face,
“EVERY, SINGLE souls matters,
I desire all my beloved to finish this race.

Expectations-Social Situations

2009-02-01T16:03:00.003-05:00

So, I guess it's a good thing that my ministry is doing a series about relationship expectations. But, man, I don't know how to do this. I just expect certain things from people. I think that they're pretty basic, but everyone grew up with a different set of rules.

I just am shocked by the lack of respect people have for themselves, others, and property not their own.

It just amazes me that there is so little respect in my generation, and I severely dislike it.

I was recently in a semi-professional meeting, and at the end, one of the participants laid down...okay. But then they put their shoes on the chair.

I don't know how many variations of this there are, but I have heard from a great many people that you never put your shoes on furniture. Your feet, yes, but shoes, no. Feet even have furniture, it's called an ottoman. There IS a reason that there are separate pieces of furniture for feet and bottoms.

I was also schooled that we should treat another person's property how we would like ours to be treated, and this works well in most situations. I would be quite taken aback if someone came over to my home and put their shoes on my couch! So I would never go anywhere and place my shoes on furniture belonging to someone else.

I was so unsure of cultural differences and customs that I conducted a poll. I tried to get a small sample from each socioeconomic status. I randomly called people and asked them, "If there is no precedence, is it ever appropriate to put you shoes (with your feet inside) on a piece of furniture not belonging to you."

All but 2 answers agreed that it was never appropriate to place your shoes on any piece of furniture.

The other 2 responses:
Joel- If they had a really disgusting house.
Brad- If they had just cleaned the floor.

To me, this is part of basic social etiquette. So, for all the 20 somethings and below out there:

Keep your shoes off the furniture!

Morning Glory

2009-01-31T12:54:00.001-05:00

Okay, this one I wrote last August. This is only a third of the poem, but it's pretty long so I will do 3 separate posts for it. I hope you like it. May it bring you smiles and a renewed passion for your first Love.

Part 1

I thank you that when I reach up to Heaven
You bring Heaven down to me.
That in You I've found my desire
My bless-ed reason to be.

Jesus came with my cross, says,
“I've been carrying it for a while.
But I knew you’d ask for it back.”
And He returns it with a smile.

Of the million others on His back
None seem to break His stride.
“It’s not the weight that bothers me,
It’s the sins they try to hide.”

We walk ahead in silence,
I'm lost in my own things.
Even as we trudge I can’t help,
But sneak loving glances at my King.

He rewards my glimpses,
Adores the way I peek,
So He pulls me close to Him,
Plants a kiss on my cheek.

I’m glowing under His love
And though my burden is weighing down
My Christ is next to me
And ahead, is my crown.

Jesus studies me slowly
Inquires of His bride,
“You know Satan’s after you?”
Grips me closer to His side.

A shiver goes down my spine,
As I think of the one despised
“He can’t harm you when we’re this close,
But he’s always heavily disguised.”

I know these words are precious.
I focus, and try not to blink.
And it seems I see tears of heartache
Flowing down my Savior’s cheek.

Connection- C.H.

2009-01-31T12:47:00.005-05:00

So, this is a poem I wrote this past summer. It was in response to something someone said to me and a conversation that he and I had. I came across it again and figured I should post it, enjoy.

Connection
I'm feeling a connection
I know you feel it too
But I can’t show you affection
Because of you know Who.
It’s bouncing and it’s riding
Along the words we speak
So there’s no use in hiding
The desire we both seek.
But there’s a way and ti-me
For everything we do
And there is no cri-me
In what we’re going through.
But I just cannot let
Emotions rule my world
Because of the effect
It has on this sweet girl.
So bide your time, and wisely
For temptations will be strong
But if we don’t lie idly
Then we can do no wrong.
So don’t use the connection
For things we cannot bear
If we abuse the power
The(n) ‘us’ will not be there.
I've got to let the new-ness
of meeting you assuage
cuz we’re focused on the wrong thing
in this dire day and age.
Don’t let these words alarm you
Because I love you so
But if this doesn’t stop soon…
I’ll have to let you go.

So don’t let the connection
We feel dismiss our goal
Of warning every sin-ner,
Of saving every soul.

I pray that you would feel me
And not take this to heart.
Cuz when we’re not together
It means that we’re apart

Rapid Character Building

2008-11-29T12:17:00.003-05:00

That's what it is! Rapid character building. I finally get why I can't get away with anything lately.

I have been placed in everyone's shoes every time I made a comment or posed a question. I have been pretty much forced to empathize with every situation. I have had my eyes opened to how certain things that I or others do make people feel. And now I get it. God is doing some rapid character building! Still not sure why, but at least I know what!

I realize now that some of the ways I do things offends people. For example, I am very 'business first'. I do away with small talk and such and go right into business. It is how I have always been. Almost as if I need to know if I can relax or do I have to do your job for you. It's not personal, it's just the way I operate. Recently, one of my roommates and I had a conversation about that, and brought it to my attention that she's exactly the opposite in that manner. She likes to say hello, and get the general 'how are you' questions out of the way first.

Also, I am very hard on a select few people. I have no idea why, I just am. And God has definitely shown me that I have no right to correct ANYONE and that I'm not giving everyone the attitude of Christ I am commanded to.

And, I make sharp comments sometimes, again, only to a short list of people. It's not out of dislike or anything, but it happens. And it has to stop.

In the past month, I have been corrected by a laundry list of people. I have had to make some hard calls that were crushing to my will (a good thing). And I have been bombarded with how God expects me to act in contrast with how I am acting...

Rapid Character Building. It's not my favorite lesson and I still don't know why I'm being taught it now, but here's what I have to say:

Bring it on, God. Bring it on.

Sound the Battle Cry

2008-10-29T17:38:00.003-04:00

Under attack
Under attack
I'm under attack
and I can't look back.

I feel it. I feel the attack. It's coming from many different directions and it's driving me CRAZY!

It is absolutely maddening, and I struggle to continually remember that "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

But boy oh boy would it be easier to go off on another person for things they say, they way they say them, or the little irritating things they do.

I know, I KNOW, that it's not personal and I have no right to be offended, but I get so upset anyway.

Anyhow, since I can't give details, that's all I have to say. I am under attack and it's not weakening me, just pissing me off.

Eh.

And the Pressure Builds...

2008-10-26T17:10:00.002-04:00

So, more and more I feel these emotions out of nowhere. Like the urge to cry, a feeling of heaviness, and now this anticipation.

I don't know what I am anticipating, but I feel like it's going to be a change. And it makes me nervous. I mean, my life is completely, in God's hands...which is what makes me nervous. He likes to make examples out of people and do crazy 'move you across the world and work harvesting figs' stuff with people. But he also likes to do 'let me introduce you into a whole new understanding of my love for all people' stuff.

So, I accept whatever is happening. Praise God for warning. Heh.

later.

...

2008-10-26T01:33:00.001-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

whatever.

Jesus wept...

2008-10-24T01:43:00.003-04:00

So, lately, I have been having the urge to cry. Not boo-hoo, but just to cry. I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is that God is answering my prayer to break my heart for what breaks His, and give me compassion for what gives Him compassion, to love what He loves and hate what He hates.

Um, I guess that's all for now. I just wanted to post something. If anyone has a scripture they would like me to blog about, I'd love the challenge.

I love all of you more than I know.

In Christ,

lexi

Look hard enough...

2008-10-04T01:14:00.002-04:00

...and you will find a flaw in everything.

Lately, man, lately I have seen multiple flaws in everyone. And I mean everyone, including myself. It seems as if the past few weeks have been a time of my eyes opening to the fact that people are flawed. Can I just say this before I go on: I HATE seeing flaws in people. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. There is nothing that I wouldn't choose over discovering another person's flaws.

No matter what, who, or why, every single day I have noticed flaws in at least one person. And it sucks majorly. So, now, I have to dissect why I expect certain people to meet certain standards, if they are meeting them, and what right or reason I have to be disappointed.

Man, I feel so heavy right now. I wish I had never seen the things I have this past month. And I don't know if it's God or what, but I know of no one in Tallahassee that has not let me down in some way this semester. And that makes me really sad. But again, why do I feel let down? What is my personal stake in their actions?

Another thing, I am not responding well to it. I have not yet learned how to process character and personality flaws while still interacting normally with the person. Their personal shortcomings affect me directly. I have not mastered letting my spirit take over when my mind is reeling from what just happened. I guess one day I'll get it down. Until then, I am amazed at how much I missed in the people around me.

*slightly distressed*

lexi

Right Hand man...

2008-09-24T23:39:00.003-04:00

So, while on only day one of fasting, I was at work and God gave me a somewhat entertaining analogy. So, I'm sitting down, putting pipet tips in holders before autoclaving them (sorry, lab nerd jargon) and I have been slowly trying to make my left hand more dexterous. Anyway, I am fumbling, trying to get these little plastic pieces into holes with my left hand, thinking "I just gotta figure out how to get my left hand to do what I want it to do" and God told me this:
Sometimes, this is how I feel with my children.

*WHOA* Crazy thought right?

Here's what I got from that. Some of us, are like God's right hand, we always do what He wants, and we do it efficiently and smooth. But others, we are like His left hand. Which He uses, but is still trying you to get to do exactly what He wants done. Are we the left hand that just get the job done but a little sloppily? Do we skip a tedious task just to finish quicker? Are we short-handing God? Are we the hand that He can't always depend on, because sometimes we just don't get it?

Well, I am. At least, I was. I am now striving much harder to do the will of my God immediately and proficiently. I take Ezekiel 12:6 as my own : So I did as I was commanded. What a simple, yet ridiculously challenging verse.

I challenge you saints today- Do as you are commanded. Be God's right hand man (or woman). Stay in His will and love like no one's business.

I love you all.

In Christ,

lexi

Dream? Not so much...

2008-09-19T22:58:00.003-04:00

So, had a couple crazy dreams last night, only one of which seems even remotely spiritual, and that is the one I will write here.
Scene:

So, I am in my apartment, alone. It is dark and just overall gloomy outside, maybe even storming. Anyway, there is this man, dressed in dark colors, standing outside of my sliding glass doors. I know that he is a stalker. And not a 'let's have babies together stalker'. But a, ' if I ever get my hands on you I am going to kill you slowly' stalker. So moving on, this guy is standing outside of my back door and he is completely scaring me. And, I don't know if he says it or what, but he tells me something like, "If you think I'm scary, wait until you meet my brother."

I go in my bedroom and close my door, as if that will keep him out.

So, next day (or whatever) I have notified the proper authorities that there is a man who knows where I live that is stalking me. They send someone and there is a lady security person outside of my front door with a podium. The original stalker guy comes to my front door and the security lady tells him that he has been identified as a stalker and cannot get into my house. At this point, I know he is outside and I am hiding behind my couch. (There are 2 couches parallel to each other.) After a few minutes, he charms her and she lets him in, and they sit on the couch and start to chat. I am pushing myself so far into the couch that I have almost become the couch. So, I move to behind the other couch in my apartment, incredulous that the lady let this psycho in my house. But there was no way I was allowing him to know that I was home.

At this point, I wake up and am told to say out loud, "I rebuke the spirit of fear." But I don't. Instead, I go back to sleep. I do not have the dream again.

End.

So, a few things that I picked up on:
I am scared of something.
I am helpless in the dream.
I employ the help of unreliable, unprotective security.
Jesus told me to do something, and I did not.

If anyone can give me any more insight into the message that was my dream, it is greatly appreciated.
Love you all.

lexi

It has just come to my attention...

2008-09-17T01:31:00.003-04:00

...that this fight is raging now as much as in the days of the first apostles. And, if called to do so, it can be a fight to the death.

Ross Middleton's blog speaks of some organic Jesus freaks imprisoned for their faith. Read, pray and exercise any influence you have.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this is mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
-Ephesians 6:18

lex

Who are you? Part II

2008-09-12T09:59:00.002-04:00

Where are you finding your identity?
Do you love your family and friends more than you love God?
Friends: Proverbs 12:26-A righteous man is cautious in friendship
1 Corinthians 15:33-Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."
In our circles, we should "Be a thermostat and not a thermometer." Set the temperature, don't confirm it.
Galatians 1:10 question, who are we trying to please, God or man? We are responsible for ourselves now.
Family: The 10 Commandments were written in a certain order, first to obey God, and then to honor our parents. Amy brought up that there is a big difference in honoring (respecting, serving, loving, being there for) our parents and pleasing them.
Moral: Don't live your life to constantly please people, Jesus didn't. John 5:1-9 Jesus upset, likely, the same religious leaders who he had studied under.
Quote time: "Any dead thing can go with the stream, but it takes a living thing to go against it."
Do you love yourself more that you love God? Do you try to meet your own standards first or God's standards? 1 Corinthians 8:6 encourages us not to live for ourselves, but for Jesus.
Romans 12:3
Psalm 139:14 - We have been MADE, we were created. Be identified by the one who created you.
How to practically find your identity in Christ:
1. Look at your state before God. Do you know God as well as He knows you?
2. Understand how much God loves you.
3. Read the Bible-know what God says about you.
4. Believe what God says about you. It is first a choice, and then a reality. The Epistles encourage us to TAKE HOLD of the promises of God.

Read into Scripture, don't just read over it.

Lastly, God spoke this over us, Psalm 144:12-
Then our sons in their youth
will be like well-nurtured plants,
and our daughters will be like pillars
carved to adorn a palace.
Amy broke down the original Hebrew for us.
Sons:
well-nurtured: This means that you are growing, developing, trained.
plants: This says that you are firmly established, fixed in a state of fellowship with God.
Daughters:
pillars: details and proportion depend on your Maker, you are supporters, you unite, you can be leaned on, you cannot stand alone. You are beautiful inside and out, you are made of something more than yourself. when attack comes at you, pillars, it will be in the form or isolation, because a pillar cannot stand alone. Demolishionists target pillars, because if the pillars fall, the whole building comes down. (think about that one for a moment) And pillars, lastly, become monuments, they are still standing long before the rest of the building collapses.
The word pillar, in the original Hebrew, can never be used alone, it must be used in a group, it is not singular.
Identity is so important brothers and sisters, because:
"How you view yourself directly affects who you are, what you will do, and how you will do it."

Who are you?

2008-09-12T08:52:00.004-04:00

So, I am dedicating this post to the message taught last night at ENCM. The beautiful Amy Middleton spoke about Identity during our ongoing Love Revolution series. Open your eyes, ears and hearts, this message is one for the books.

"How you view yourself directly affects who you are, what you will do, and how you will do it."

Usually people think this goes back to self-esteem. But, I must agree, as Amy pointed out, that self-esteem is a flawed thought process. Self-esteem is mostly feelings-based: depending on how you look, your social status, how you look, your accomplishments, etc. Also, feeling like you're constantly striving to get to the next season, or part, of your life may also be a 'self-esteem' centered problem.
Amy presented some catchy but true quotes.
"The way you leave one season is how you're going to enter the next."
"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it."
Our current society so often speaks of 'finding yourself' or 'defining who you are'. How can you identify something you know so little of? This quote sounds weird, but is simple:
"Trying to identify oneself is like trying to bite one's own teeth."

God identified Jesus before Jesus' ministry even began, right after Christ's water baptism. (Luke 3:21-23)
Jesus identified Simon, by calling him Peter, which means rock, and declaring it into Peter's future. (John 1:40-42)
In the same way, 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that we are a new creation in Christ, so we have to find out identity in Christ.

When identity is found in other things, it leads to insecurities.
Even leading into 'false humilities'. One example of false humility is saying that you are humble but thinking that you are worthless inside. Some characteristics of finding your identity and worth in things other than Christ are: being a people pleaser; having a performance mentality; always needing a boyfriend or girlfriend; being a perfectionist; overly concerned about your looks; fearful of man/unsocial, maybe because you've been hurt in a past relationship.

So that's insecurity, what does security look like?
Security- living according to the reality that God is my hope, security, and identity.
2 Corinthians 5:5-6 says that God gives us His Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
Here come more quotes: "Men are most endangered when they feel most secure."
"Tell me who you love and I will tell you who you are."
"Your identity changes how you perceive reality."

So, how do I find my identity in Christ? The message is finished in my next blog.

Lately...

2008-09-01T03:21:00.005-04:00

So, this is not a post about my undying lust for a husband. It is, however, about the different feelings I have been going through lately. So, if you like, MEN, stop reading here. I'm gonna get a little transparent.

As Derek has said, it has been the summer of love for ENCM. And I love seeing people get together, I am a sucker for a cute couple. And in no way am I dissatisfied with my King, but my thoughts have wandered a bit, lately.

Previously, I was under the incorrect assumption that you have to be completely satisfied with God before He would put you in a relationship, now I know better. Anyway, on to more important tangents, I have a problem that I will briefly (ha!) share with you.

So, I met a guy over summer who is pretty set on being with me. He has told me, and I quote, "I will wait years, if I have to. I want to call you 'Sweetheart'."

So, only a few problems with that, um, I am not, as far as I see it, in any position to be married, and he, at this point, cannot be my spiritual leader. Another problem, I want to be someone's sweetheart, and I just about melt when he says it. Does he know this, no, but I have told him before to stop calling me anything other than my name, but every once in a while he will anyway. Lastly, it's not that I'm not attracted to the guy, but IF there were a time for us, it is definitely not now.

And another thing, I get hit on... a lot. And not to brag, because it really makes me uncomfortable. No matter where I go, I am sought out and, like, bothered. The only thing I can think of is that they see the Jesus in me and want that love, but I, personally, cannot deliver it.

It's been a while, and I am beginning to learn about myself. I know my weaknesses and desires. I know that someone calling me sweetheart is going to going bad pretty quickly, I also know that certain ways that men touch me will send me reeling. Not in a "head over heels in love with you because you put your arm around my waist". More like in a "I would like my husband to do that", kind of deal.

Whatever, lately, it's just been crazy. I had someone ask me, "As a Christian, do you go through a million changes every day over relationships and stuff?"
And my response was as true as I could make it, "It's not easy, but I know why I'm doing it. But it is a minute by minute battle sometimes, especially when maternal desires are triggered in me. I want to be a good mother, and a good wife, but first I have to be a good daughter. And I remind myself 'God is not keeping me from something, but for something.' "

So, in conclusion of a ramble, lately, a new desire for someone to lay next to at night has been kindled, and I don't know if it's me or God. I know in part that it is my desire. I know that I desire affection that can be returned with a pure heart, and a clean marriage bed. But I also know that I want to do crazy stuff all around the world and the country before I have obligations such as a husband or children. How do I reconcile that with God's time line, which is definitely not my own?

Prayer, please, saints. I love all of you and you are all forever in my prayers. Have a nice night.

lexi

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. -Hebrews 13:4

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?-Ecclesiastes 4:11

Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.-Genesis 3:16

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. -Ephesians 5:3

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -Ephesians 2:10

It's laundry day!

2008-08-18T12:11:00.003-04:00

"Blessed are those who wash their robes..."

Haha. Jesus supported laundry. It's not really laundry day, that's tomorrow. The point I'm making is this: Every day is laundry day, every day we need to wash our robes in the blood of Christ and re-shoulder our cross.

My devotional this morning was to find an obscure scripture...didn't work too well, but this was where I turned to.

Anywho, Revelation 7:14-17 promises excellent working conditions for those whose robes are made white in the blood of the Lamb. As a child, I did not understand how something could be washed in red and come out white, didn't make sense to me, and was never fully explained. Now, I know that we're not talking colors here, we're talking appearance before God. It's not possible for a soiled, dirty robe to be washed in red blood, and come out white. But it is definitely possible that a soiled, dirty robe can be immersed and covered in the blood of the pure and perfect Christ and come out without stain.
How?
Glad you asked.
Imagine, if you will, that we are all born with white robes. Every bad thing we do adds a deep, dark stain to our once spotless white robes. Every wandering of the eye, and purposeful evil deed just makes our robes dirtier and dirtier. One day, we realize that our previously beautiful garment is disgusting and it shames us, we are sure that everyone can see our dirt. So we do all we can to cover it up. We try to conceal the stains of our garments with friends with robes darker than ours, we try to just embrace the appearance of our robe by continuing to make it worse, we even try to clean it ourselves-sure that religious rituals will get the job done, that just stepping foot inside a church will clean us up.
Eventually, after all the covering up, ignoring, and futile attempts to clean it ourselves fail, we look for more help. And, voila, the Jesus who has always been there, strong, mighty hand extended, offers a solution. Jesus lived a perfect life, his appearance never marred by evil thoughts or actions. His solution? If you cover yourself in His blood, which was ultimately shed for you, then when God looks at you, God will see you as spotless.
Worth a try, right? Nothing else worked, and this Jesus character seems pretty legit. You hand over your robe, and Jesus literally washes your robe in His own blood. Even more surprising is that, when He hands it back, it's not red, but the whitest white you've ever seen.

Yes, Jesus has done it for countless humans, and He can do it for you, too.
Whether you've known Jesus all your life, have been recently reunited, or you never even met the guy, it's laundry day. Take your robe, which is sure to have some kind of stain on it, to the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).

Be of the many who "have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb."

Praying to see you at the end of the world blowout.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Amen, Jesus, let it be so.

What's YOUR problem?

2008-08-16T00:43:00.002-04:00

Many times, when we hear this phrase, we are immediately on the defensive, ready to rebut with "I don't have a problem. What's your problem?"

But my question to you tonight is: What is your problem? Where does your struggle lie? What keeps you from being honest with your Creator?

My problem, would have to be selfishness. From my sins to my song choices, it's all about me. I was actually pretty convicted about this, to the point that I changed my facebook profile picture because the shirt I was wearing said: It's all about me.

So, child of majesty, where does your problem lie? What is binding you to a complacency with a missed mark? What past issue, disobedience, person, or pastime prevents a greater intimacy with the King?

I read a verse today in James, that said if a believer didn't have wisdom, he should ask for it, because God would freely give it, if he does not doubt.

I beseech you, Brother, I earnestly ask you, Sister, to ask God for wisdom in your life. Ask Him to reveal why you haven't grown in 2 months, ask Him what you can do to make your witness more powerful. Inquire of the Lord what His good, pleasing, and perfect will is. Stand before the throne and ask God who you should be pouring your life into, praying for, checking up on.

This may seem unrelated to you, but if I only speak to one, if I only speak to myself, I will have listened to the gentle nudging of my Lord, and be working in the covenant I made with the One who breaks no promises.

I love you all. See you very, very soon. Hugs all around!

As said from a previous post:
What my life boils down to: Love my Lord, Obey my Master, Serve my King.

Goodnight, saints.

Wow...My Savior. My Savior. He's amazing.

2008-08-15T01:20:00.003-04:00

While showering, I had to be honest with myself. All the scrubbing in the world could not wash away the dirt and shame that I felt. No amount of soap, or designer shampoo would get rid of the feeling of darkness over me. I could soak in rubbing alcohol and dry off with a Brillo pad, and it would be to no avail. Only the precious, perfect, powerful blood of the perfect Lamb, Jesus Christ, can remove my dirty sins.

You know, sometimes it's hard for me to get over my stereotypes.
I have 2 examples, one, of the mindset that Mexican are dirty people. I heard it so much in America, that, before I could go on my mission trip, God had to deal with me. I had to practice saying the word 'Mexican'. I had to intentionally change my view. It was hard, and even now I have to stop and check what I'm saying or thinking about any group-because it's never true of a majority.
The other example would be prayer. I have always been under the influence that prayer MUST be solemn, and very serious. As a Christian acknowledging Jesus as Lord, and not just Savior, it's a pretty daunting thing to tackle. I, even now, consciously tell myself that Prayer=talking to God. If I don't, I find myself putting off prayer because I am not somewhere quiet, completely shut of from the world. I am in no wise saying that prayer can not be done in those settings, but it's not mandatory. There won't always be times where we can go off and just pray. There will be times where we will be forced to pray where we stand. If you hear nothing else, hear this: Prayer is talking to your best, most intimate, favorite Friend ever, who just happens to hold your life and soul in His hands. Yes, prayer will be solemn. But prayer is communication in the most important relationship of your earthly existence. Talk to God. Prayer is just talking to God, you can even smile. Enjoy talking to God, He does.

Sorry that was such a chunk. What I really came to write this blog about was a tangent of surrender. While having a revelation overload, I saw a picture of myself, if you will. And I was saying this to Jesus, :
Lord, I want to be completely under your control. I sacrifice myself right now, at the altar. I want you to guide me. Lord, I want to say, "I've picked up my cross Lord. Where to? I want to be so full of you that everyone I meet will forget my name and remember Yours. That they will not remember what I said, but know that You spoke to them. That they would be drawn to You. That they will know that You exist, and You love them."

I don't know guys, I am just so full of God right now.

Another thing, it says somewhere in 1 Peter, that we should always be ready to given an account for the joy that we have, but to do it with gentleness and respect. And I was just practicing what I would say on God (Excellent audience if I may say so), and it went something like this.
That someone, like the early church, would grab me, and ask me what was different about me. And I would respond in a likewise manner, "I am at a place in my life where I have someone who cares for me. He makes sure that I have something to eat, somewhere to go, someone to talk to. He insures that I am never alone. He always does what is best for me. He completely rules my life, and yet He is not controlling. He advises me in all things, but forces me to do nothing. I have no problem serving Him, no qualms with doing as He wishes, because He has never thought twice about sacrificing everything for me. He gave up all of His comfort to be with me. He was beaten, made fun of, spit on, and killed for me, but he never opened His mouth to defend Himself. He endured ridicule and hatred, just so He could have a relationship with me." At this point I would probably be shaking my head, then I would add, "And He wants the same peace of mind, and relationship with you, as I have with Him. Jesus Christ, Son of God, aches for your heart to beat for Him. He desires to lavish His love on you, as He does on all those who acknowledge Him. Would you like to know how to obtain that love?"

Lengthy, I know, but I am hard-pressed to describe my King in less words. Family, I love you all. Operate in your gifts-God knows what He's doing. Trust Him-even when you don't have to. That's it for this princess.
G'Night.

What's up withchu?

2008-08-14T14:11:00.003-04:00

Yo yo yo!
I have lots to tell all of you. So, I'm going to do a very brief synopsis of it all.

Prayer: My prayer life has not been my shining glory lately. It's been pretty good, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I didn't pray for some things that God definitely could have used to build my testimony and show me his great power. My devotional time has been a hard fight, and I have yet to back down-nor will I ever.

Visions and such: So, some of you may know that I have seen angels before. And of those few, few others know that I continue to see one angel in particular. Well, I've seen him again, and this time I think I know his name.
Also, had a dream last night, a really, really scary dream. The gist of it was: There were demons trying to kill my soul, and get me to let this use my body to do their dirty work. It wasn't until after I thought about it this morning when I woke up that I realized it. So, guess who's now really on guard. Thank God for His merciful updates.

Schoolin': I worked ~ 25 hours a week at Krispy Kreme while taking 2 classes and moving...twice. Anywho, I was taking a First Aid class, and Trigonometry. I worked hard in my classes and at my job. God rewarded me with TWO A's! (Oh, I can't seem to locate my First Aid certification card, please pray that I find it.)
And in the coming Fall: I will be taking a 3rd Spanish course, Organic Chemistry, Genetics, a class for my child sciences minor, and, again, Biology II Lab-Animal Diversity. Please pray for me brothers and sisters, that I can be excellent in everything for our King.

Recap: Well, that was pretty much it. I can't wait to see all of you again. I'll be coming down the 20th or 21st, so can I get some ground control for safe traveling please?

I am so much better at asking for prayer nowadays. Praise God people!

Psalm 40.

love you all.

lex

Welcome to July

2008-07-02T10:51:00.002-04:00

Hey loved ones,
I miss writing in this blog. I have had a great time getting caught up with all the ENCM news and happenings, see you guys next weekend!
Anyway, here's what I have been up to lately: Taking 2 classes this summer. Including a first aid class that I think should be really fun. Working part-time at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Acing my first math quiz (Praise God!) Not getting enough sleep. Writing, printing and soon-to-be sending out my mission trip newsletter. Praying.

So what's the news with you guys. I miss all of you and can't wait to come down next weekend. Oh, who wants to give me a ride to the Champions for Christ events?

Love you all. Oh, my phone is off right now, so if you're trying to call...sorry. Hit me online and I'll try to call you back within a day or so.
Did I say I loved you already? I reallt do guys, if you ever need anything, if you have to reach me by carrier pidgeon, I can be reached. Sleep well. Praying for you.
later.

whoops....

2008-06-10T01:27:00.003-04:00

So, i totally know that it's has been well over a month since my last blog. i apologize. Also, this post won't be grammatically correct or proper, sorry liz.

But i have experienced so much in the last 6 or so weeks. i have been outside of the country and way outside of my comfort zones. i have seen and heard some things that have upset me, and things that have brought me to tears. I am finding it hard to live at home again after 2 years of freedom and responsibility. And i am seriously missing all of you.

I hope to blog again soon. But i am still alive and kickinh satan's butt. You guys are all still with me right?

Don't lose your fire. I pray that each of you will not only fall in love with God again every week, but that you'll be set on fire and others will catch. i miss and love you guys so much. Can't wait to hear everything the summer has brought each of you. feel free to leave a comment.

oh, and i am so jealous of Supernatural Sundays! I wish i could come!

love love love love love you guys. Praying for you ALL.

Keep Christ as head and stay in line, sometimes it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who's always right-so work at it.

did i tell you i loved you already?

call me people. text me. see you guys soon.

Freedommmm!

2008-04-21T23:32:00.009-04:00

No, I am not done with finals, so this isn't an end of the year entry. But you know what I realized today?
I love my FREEDOM!

Take today, for example:

Up at 7:30am.
2 final exams.
Lunch in the union.
Hung with Keith, Niegel and Phil a little.
3rd exam.
Back to the room.
Dinner and movie with Liz.
Home at ~11:30pm.

Not once did I have to check in with anyone, make sure anyone had been fed, put to bed, assured of my love. I mean, wow what freedom! I now have a new revelation of what all the ministers are talking about! I don't have any real responsibilities of my own yet.

Take the mission trip I'm going on in summer:
I don't have to coordinate with my work.
I don't have to check with my spouse.
I don't have to make sure my kids are taken care of.
No bills to pay in advance.
I am completely free to just go as I feel God is telling me.

Doesn't that blow your mind! I am finally embracing and understanding this whole 'Season of Singleness' deal! I mean... WHAT FREEDOM!!!

Man, praise God for new revelations and understanding. I pray that God continues to use me fully as a tool of the Kingdom while I still have all the free time, and none of the responsibilities of 'adult life'.

I am amazed! I love my freedom!
WAHOO! Bring on the lost, Lord!
YOUR KINGDOM COME. My freedom used. Wahoo!!!

; )

My, how the days have flown...

2008-04-19T16:43:00.003-04:00

Wow, it's pretty much over. I am a little in shock that my second year as a college student is finishing out. What else flies by? Days, my blog says I haven't written anything in 3 days...is that right?

So yeah, as my roommate blow dries her hair a mere 3 feet from me, I am reminded that it's almost over. I will soon be a third-year, off-campus-living, preparing for the MCAT college student. Scary. I am a little worried about some things, but I am excited for next year.

I will have my own room, a full kitchen, and a bathroom with only ONE other person. Yes! Plus, I will be a second semester servant leader for Every Nation Campus Ministries.

I am going to miss all of you very much. Man, I learned so much, in life, Christ and relationships, and I have the pictures to prove it!

So, in case you haven't figured it out yet, this blog has no particular point. I am just going to go into withdrawal away from all of you. I'll keep you all in my prayers. And try to blog something of substance later. Now: shower and study. Please pray for my finals. Thanks. Love you all!

What's so great about the Old Testament?

2008-04-16T23:33:00.008-04:00

Here in Your presence I can't help but come undone.
Trembling before You I am ruined by Your touch.
I see Your glory rising, as all the darkness flees,
I feel Your heart of mercy, to set the nations free.
I hear the cry of Heaven, "Who will go for Us?"
Here I am! Lord, send me! Here I am! Lord, I'll go!

Yikes, sends shivers down my spine. I love worship songs. And the more I listen to them, the more I realize that many more than I thought come from almost pure Scripture. I feel very blessed by the Lord to be part of the church family that God sent me too. I also feel that every walk of life, color of skin, and musical preference is met at my church. I am not here to praise my church again, but this song got me going.

Anyway, in the past, I felt that the Old Testament (Hebrew Bible, Tenack or whatever other names Donny would like me to know it by) was a barely useful form of reference. I never thought it applied to me as a 21st century Christian, and I definitely didn't think it was of any importance to me personally. But lately, since reading through the Bible, God has been teaching and telling me many things. A LOT of them that deal with the Old Testament...but ALL of them deal with me. He's chosen verses out specifically for me, and except for church and ENCM events, I haven't cracked open the New Testament in weeks. God is proving a point.

ALL of His word is relevant and alive. ( 2 Timothy 3:16)
Wisdom and lessons taught in the Old Testament are critical to my life in Christ.
Jesus read and memorized much of it, who do I think I am?
The New Testament makes NO SENSE outside of its ties to the Old Testament.
It is on purpose that many of my visions are similar to those in the Old Testament.
Pay attention, there's so much more He has to tell me from the Old Testament, listen up.
He till uses prophets and speaks to men face to face. Get ready.

So, yeah. I love it! I no longer flip right to the New Testament when I want to read my Bible. Instead, God will often lead me to Ezekiel, Jeremiah, Psalms. My Lord gave us so much wisdom and guidance, why did I think it was worthless? Anywho, pay attention! EVERY Scripture is God-breathed. And to me, that means well worth reading and loving. Keep seeking His face! I love you all with as much love as my little spirit can muster.

: )

Wednesday, what a day

2008-04-16T18:04:00.002-04:00

Not much has happened today.
Spanish class was skipped because of oral exams and I did mine Monday.
Got up and ate what I thought would be breakfast but Suwanee defined as lunch.
Went to chemistry.
Hung out, studied, ate, studied, talked to Reece and Ross, studied in the SAC office.
Took my Lab Practical Final.
Came to my room.
About to go to a review session for my Chemistry final ~6:30-9:30...Wahoo! Then gonna come home and hopefully sleep.
Well...gotta go get my chemistry on.
I love you all!

Fulfilling my obligation...

2008-04-15T20:17:00.003-04:00

To continue to blog daily. Hey guys, hope all is well. More God stuff to report. God told me that Jeremiah was going to be my book, and that Jeremiah 1:5 is for me. So, that felt awesome, I almost cried, I mean, really. This whole 'turning your life over to God' thing almost makes me a water bag. Well, I have been feeling a little longing for someone special, asking God to work on that. I want to desire my Lord above all else. Amen!
Hmm, what else? I have been pretty good. Still working on getting my appetite back to normal, which probably isn't much more, as Liz can vouch for. I will work on getting more helpful supernatural stuff like Joel. Hope to get some good stuff up for you guys soon. I love you!

Yes yes yes!

2008-04-14T23:14:00.002-04:00

Guess who received some awesome prophecies tonight? Yep, the whole LG gang! We invited some strong women, April and Amy to help us prophecy over our members, and man were we on a roll. I had never conducted a prophecy night before, but I love how the Holy Spirit was with us for over 3 hours and we merely had to ask. I heard some great words about humility, my future in ministering to women, and all kinds of crazy stuff. Praise God! I am super excited! I love Him! Do you? Thank you to Amy Middleton for coming and sharing her faith with us. Thank you to Ross Middleton for sharing his wife with us. And thank you to the Middleton boys, for donating their mother for a few hours. Thank you April Lupo for letting God use you! I love you all!

later family!

I LOVE MY LORD!!!

2008-04-11T15:45:00.005-04:00

I read Ezekiel 12 because I asked God for a verse to meditate on and that is what He gave me. I read a verse that said "I did as I was commanded." And right before that I read Joel's post about using our voices when told to.

God spoke to me, but all I can remember Him saying is this: "Child, don't panic. I am with you. I want you to dream a dream. Of things to come. You will be a sign."

So:

I lay back and try to clear my mind. I see a mental image of what I just read in Ezekiel, then my mind wanders to Rush Hour 3, and I try to clear it. As I try to push those images out of my mind, I see two men, clothed in white, and standing tall picking up and throwing/shoving things to the side, clearing my mind for me, until it is just them in a straight white path ahead of me and they stand together and speak as one voice "Son of Man, your city will be shaken, your city will be rocked, and the Lord God will show Himself with signs and wonders. The promptings of the Spirit will be heavy upon you, and you will do as you are commanded. You will speak when told to speak, and be silent when told to keep silent. As you have made a covenant to the Lord, you are now called to fulfill it. This day, we call heaven and earth as witnesses against you. Do not break the covenant with the Lord your God."

Then they raised their hands towards me, and said, "Be careful to do as you are commanded. God be with you."

Wow, that is a heavy promise. As they were speaking about heaven and earth I was scared. What a great witness against me. I know this was a word from God, so please, if I post this, pray for me and give any feedback you can. I love MY GOD! Hallelujah. He reigns!

So real it's surreal

2008-04-09T23:55:00.003-04:00

Well, this is it, the final 18 hours. Man, feels strange. Now that I know I am eating soon, my body is screaming for food. I always find the last moments to be the hardest. Which means that I will be praying over my own food at Crispers, just to be sure. Haha. I am excited. I can't wait to take a seat, sit still, and just wonder at all that God has taught me and done in or through me during these last 15 days. To tell you the truth, I was never worried whether or not I would be able to make it 15 days, they flew by; What I was thinking of was-what am I going to want to eat when I finish? Anyway, be encouraged! This is the final stretch! Don't forget to pray extra hard-Thursday stands for finals week of Fall semester! I love you all very much. Gonna do homework and sleep as much as I can.

What my life comes down to:

Love my Lord, obey my Master, serve my King

Okay, so, I just have to share this

2008-04-09T20:25:00.002-04:00

Alright, I know Liz did a post on chivalry, but I just gotta let you guys know about this.

Today, I was on Renegade (one of the campus buses) and I was sitting in one of the seats in the very back. Well, the bus got pretty full pretty quick, so people were standing in the aisle. Well, there were mostly men standing, but there were also quite a bit of ladies as well. Anyway, ONE guy got up and offered his seat to a girl. ONE! And no others followed suit. But anyway, my jaw about hit the floor. I wanted to give him a hearty pat on the back.

Point, I should not have been shocked. I should always want to show my support of his action, but I was very annoyed that more men did not get up and offer their seats to a woman. I mean, guys are all 'big, bad and stronger', well, give up your seat to the 'weaker sex'. This post has no real reason except to say that I commend him. And he was SHORT, so he could barely reach the overhead poles, so he hung onto the back of the seats...WOW!

*side note: I slipped a piece of paper in a pocket of his book bag praising him and awarding him man points for that-just so he knows it wasn't unnoticed.

I hope every other male on that bus was embarrassed(excluding the cripple, of course). It upsets me when men are not gentlemen. I have given up my seat for other women. Man up, males. Stand up!

I would have been proud to call that guy my friend in that moment. Bravo, stranger. Bravo!

Sorry, got carried away. Done.

Maybe you've heard this one before

2008-04-08T13:31:00.002-04:00

So, after reading Joel's post, I was like: God, can I have a vision?

He answered, "Sure" and began to speak to me. I bowed my head down and listened.

* " "= God speaking* *anything else=me*

"There is a small tree by a stream. It had been planted for a while, but had not grown because no one was there to water it. One day, a small cloud came along, and watered the little tree. The tree began to grow. The cloud came back every day, and the little tree kept growing. One day, when the tree was about the size of a man, the cloud did not come. The tree waited another day, and yet the cloud did not come. Thirsty and growing weak, the tree pushed, strained, and grew one of its roots until it reached water. The tree received water from that root, and was satisfied. But only after 2 days, the tree was no longer satisfied with just receiving water from one root,, so it stretched another root in the same direction as the first, and was satisfied with two. But after a few days, 2 roots were still not enough. So the tree reached ALL of it's roots to the same place the first 2 roots had gone. Finding that all of it's roots were able to reach water, the tree realized that a flowing river that seemed to have no end was next to it all the time. And the tree could drink it's fill, never going without, continually able to satisfy it's ever-increasing thirst."

"Do you now what this means?"

Um, kind of. The tree is me, the cloud is Jesus, wait, the stream is...

"The tree is the young believer. The cloud are the spiritual nursers, as with a small child, an infant yet to be weaned. The stream is My Son, Jesus."

And the stream was there the whole time, able to be reached, if only we could realized it. Huh. God, can I just have a vision a day.

"Sure. You just need to listen."

Day Nine, Feelin' Fine

2008-04-05T16:13:00.003-04:00

I gotta tell you guys the vision God showed me as I began to pray around 4pm today. I was talking to God about my mission trip this summer, how NOTHING could ever make me doubt my security in Christ, absolutely nothing(I know it’s a strong statement). And to give me more of Him, more gifts, to stop limiting my faith, and this is what He showed me.

*Quotations=God. No quotes=me. Parentheses=what I saw*

“Alexia, you’re in a car on a highway. You’re speeding, but just above the speed limit. Those around you are going 200, 250 (mph) and you’re just over 100. What’s wrong with that?”

(I see my car, going about normal speed, but there are cars going around me, so fast I can barely see their color, just more than a blur.)

They’re going faster than me.

“Why?”

Because their Word is their fuel. The more they read it, the more goes into their gas tank, the faster they are able to go for longer amounts of time.

“Exactly. So what do you need to do?”

Read my Word more, so I can get more fuel, so I can go faster.

“Right. So you can all be going the same speed. “

(I see a line of cars, straight across, racing rapidly ahead, all lined up perfectly with each other)

“Then, My daughter, you can all stand and fight together against Satan for me, all able to fill each others tanks because you’re so close, all able to notice when another is slowing down, always able to keep your tanks full, because you’re pushing each other on. In a family like this, child, none will be left behind. Write it down.”

Yes, Sir.

Narrow Gate, Day Eight

2008-04-04T00:03:00.002-04:00

Yo ho ho! How is everyone today? Swell I hope. Well, I am happy...no, I am JOYFUL. I heard an awesome on fire message from one of my brothers, Derek, and finished all of my homework, all before midnight! Haha! Praise God! You know, along with all that God is moving and changing inside of me, I am learning to appreciate the small things. Like genuine smiles, love from my brothers and sisters, security in my Messiah, something sweet on my tongue, comfort and warmth. I realize the luxury it is to eat when you're hungry. The effect a hug has on my mood. Can I just take a moment to be honest?

I cherish every member of my Every Nation Family. From crazy Susan, out-there Ross, funny Donny to encouraging Roberto, shy Joel, awesome-accent Donna. I mean, ALL OF YOU are such a blessing to me. Every single one of you God is using to teach me something, ways I can improve, mannerisms to drop, verses to memorize. I appreciate the rebukes, the questions, the odd looks to some things I say. You are all amazingly fantastic and I love what God is doing in you!

Okay, so, I have been having a blast on this fast. I've walked into a few delicious smells, and had to run away. Haha. But otherwise, I feel fine and I know that God is moving in me. I don't know, this is fun to me. Yeah, I want solid food, but it's not a very big deal. I don't know, fasting is hard, but I like it. The results and the process. I think that's because I used to be bad at processes and order of events, because my life was glazed over due to the fact that I wasn't living the life God called me to, and I was denying Him lordship over my life-so everything was a haze. Wow that was a long sentence. But yeah, so I enjoy all aspects of fasting, minus having to take it slowly afterward-but even in that I like being forced to moderate my actions. I LIVE for structure. I love set rules and procedures. Like medicine, I may not be ready for every case that comes in, but 9 time out of 10, there will be a procedure to follow, a way to wash my hands, papers to fill out, specific protective gear to wear, predictable. If I didn't feel like crying when someone yells at me, I would make an excellent soldier. I love dedication, being enveloped by my task, and doing repetitive things. So, the military would be for me, if I wasn't already part of a force that cannot be defeated.

So, point of this post: I love fasting. I love my family in Christ. I am learning. I am changing. God is doing it all. My Lord is Lord of ALL!
Reece's voice: Amen?

AMEN!

Day Seven, Learning Lessons

2008-04-02T23:46:00.002-04:00

So, I have to start off with what's on my heart right now. I have been having a rather heated argument with my roommate. We have differing views on current events, and her standpoint bugs me. Also, I have noticed before, and it continues to happen, when I feel strongly about something, especially something that deals with God, I have a hard time controlling my voice, and my hands shake. I feel so offended and angry, and it's hard to keep my voice inflections in check. So, I don't know what the deal is with that...any insight would be appreciated.

Anyway, today was okay. I felt like I shut off in my own world for a little while, but I straightened up alright.

Felt like my mouth was dry, decided to up my water intake. Otherwise, diet is going fine.

Um, not a bunch to report. Classes. My calculator stopped working. went to the dollar store with Liz-bought tons of stuff, things that will hopefully be a treat to all my fellow 'fasters' out there. Can't wait to fellowship and break bread with my family of believers.

Let me know if there's something you want to know.

Been a couple days guys

2008-04-01T23:01:00.002-04:00

Well HULLO there! Missed me? I have missed blogging. So we are on day 6...yeah. Not too many more to go. Still feel pretty well. Okay, on to business.

Sunday, busy as usual:

Church
Hung around at church because we couldn't really go to lunch.
Leadership Meeting
Wal-Mart with Liz
Home for a bit
ENLI
Publix
Home, study with Liz
Bed

Yesterday(Monday) I talked to a girl in my chemistry class and she was feeling a little discouraged because of a grade she had received on an exam. So, God used to me to speak encouragement to her, as well as to give her a Devotional Handbook. SO I stopped by her place Monday and talked with her, she let off some steam, thanked me for the handbook, and looked better. So, yay for God working in me and through me already!

Today, class...class...support letters...prayer...support letters...home. Homework. Now.
See, busy busy busy. Sorry guys, my next post will be better. Stay encouraged! I love you all!
Psalm 62:6!

Alright so...

2008-03-29T23:45:00.003-04:00

I am feeling a little discouraged. Near tears I think. I mean, I KNOW I'm not supposed to complain or be easily offended, but right now, I just feel like...'crap'. I didn't have a very good fasting experience today, and I'm even feeling weak now, which may account for the emotion-increased heart rate, elevated body temperature, increased acidity of the blood-anyway, I am just not happy right now. Happiness is circumstantial, joy is not. I know and understand that, but shoot I'm irritated. I know at times I expect too much out of people, and I knew what the reaction would be, but man it's still hurtful.

Anyway, not feeling very motivated right now. Ugh, this is stupid. I mean, I know I will be over it very soon, but I am just, ugh, I don't even know. I'm just very stinkin' discontent right now! I guess I should pray, but man I would rather just speak what's on my mind, I can think of AT LEAST 5 scriptures to use-but I can't because my emotion would seep through, and that's not okay. *Deep breath* whatever.

Getting Free-Day Three

2008-03-29T21:49:00.004-04:00

So, day 3, the hardest day so far. But it was only hard for a few hours. I went to a get together and there was baked spinach and cheese dip...it smelled awesome! Plus other food, cake, fruit, veggies, thinks like that. Anyway, I was fighting tooth and nail-and it worked; although it smelled great, my mouth did not water once.

Plus, thinking about how LESS satisfying it would be if I gave in to please my flesh now, than if I stayed faithful (leaning on God's strength of course) and finished the fast. That thought improved my determination tons. I pondered how many people my broken commitment to God would affect. Thought about how useless and defeated I would feel if I gave in, pleasing the flesh that is ultimately aiming to bring my downfall. In short, God kept me strong.

Today, I had an awesome time with a group of wonderful, beautiful ladies. Katie's Bridal shower was today! I love my life so much! And I love my God even more. Stay strong family! Oops, not sure if I gave a verse for the day. Here's one, sorry it's late: Psalm 55:22. Later!

Okay, I was reminded about this after reading Liz's post: Today, my sugar got pretty low and my hands began to shake. I was shopping with Liz and I felt my knees go weak, and I told her I didn't feel well. Liz bought me a fruit punch, and after drinking it I felt a little better. But I think that was the closest I've ever been to passing out, or at least feeling like I could lose control of my body. If it gets like that again I am gonna have to increase my calorie intake, up the sugar I have, and rest a ton more. Granted, today was a long, long day for me-up at 8am, home at 930pm. When you fast you're supposed to rest more, and I haven't been able to do that-I've had about 11 hours of sleep over the past 3 nights, and I have been fasting for the past 3 days. Just thought I would let you guys know that I know we're not invincible, but our God is! Prayer for a wise decision. Love you all!

Whoop-de-do, Day Two!

2008-03-28T15:59:00.003-04:00

Greetings family, how is everyone doing this beautiful day? It was a little chilly this morning, but it has warmed up, to what Collyn says is hot, I think it's great. So, today I am doing alright. I have felt a little hungry, but not enough to even want to eat. I would say MILD discomfort. When I was walking to my roommate a little earlier, my stomach growled something loud, but I don't feel hungry, just slightly dissatisfied, and my God can take care of that.

Here's something cool: I have already had TWO conversations with people who had issues that they had not previous told anyone about...WOW! And I feel that God was able to speak to them by using little ol' me. It's day 2! One last night and another today. God is already using this hollowed out vessel for His perfect Will. I thank God for the humility and wisdom that He is constantly growing in me. I mean...wow! You guys don't get it. Not even 24 hours in and He's well beyond answering some of my small prayers. Like, if I only slept for 4 hours, praying that I would feel well rested, letting me get up early to study for a test, that people would stop offering me food...(my roommate keeps forgetting and offering me food or inviting me to eat with her at Suwanee)

So, that there proof is WELL-WORTH me feeling hunger for a bit. I'm gonna steal from Rajat and say: In fasting you are basically saying "I'm not going to satisfy myself with food but with God". Amen Brother! Oh, quote of the day Ezekiel 22:30. Pray that that is not true of THIS nation, of THIS campus, of THIS body of believers. Amen? Amen!

Love you all, stay steady. Oh, and I got a text about Praise and Worship at Joel's tonight at 8:30. See you there!

Pure Prayer Info

2008-03-28T15:55:00.003-04:00

Hey, this is a list of the prayer direction for the fast, as a reminder to you and also to myself. I took this from Roberto, who got it from Ross...who got it from God. Anywho, enjoy!

Revelation of who God is and intimacy with Jesus
Deep brokenness and conviction over our sins
That people would be set free of bondages and sins that are holding them back
For demonic strongholds of religion, sexual immorality, drunkenness and substance abuse to be broken off our campus
For waves of repentance and salvation to sweep across our campus
That Christians and non-Christians would wake up from their spiritual slumber
That God would manifest supernaturally through us and to us through dreams, visions, and miracles
For Christians to live committed lives to Christ and his kingdom
Pray that apathy would be broken off of this generation
For a boldness to come on believers at FSU and the fear of man to be broken off
Simply put, REVIVAL. That God would show up in a way He never has before at FSU

Save the campus Save the World!!!

Le Premier Jour

2008-03-27T15:10:00.004-04:00

Set scene: God in the presence of His holy angels, Christ the King, and four and twenty elders. Day one of the ENCM 15 days for 15 weeks-fast for FSU revival. The only big G-od, "Well, well, well-what have we here? A group of people called by my Name, fasting, praying, crying out to me to bring revival and salvation to their campus. Hm, well, I guess we'll just see how this pans out."

That's is so what I want. I want God to look down upon this campus, see the light that we are, and test and wait on our faith and determination so that He can see how serious we are and how our hearts break for our campus. Wahoo!

Day one, as everyone is blogging, is going well. I grabbed a V8 (careful, some of them have blended veggies on them!) and I feel pretty good. About to get in the Word, catch a quick snooze and then studying til Rez Week tonight. So, stay strong and stay with God. Oh, verse of the day Psalm 28:6-8. Good stuff. Kay, talk to you guys later.

On your mark, get set...FAST!

2008-03-27T01:22:00.003-04:00

So, here we go. Midnight marked the beginning of the longest fast I have ever attempted. I pigged out. Stuffed down more pizza than ever at Hungry Howie's, got a 4 piece chicken nugget kids meal at McDonald's an ate some of a fudge sundae. Ah well, it may be well worth it. But now I have a freezer with strawberry ice cream and yellow cake, and no one who can eat it. *sigh* I'll find something to do with it.

So yeah, I will pray for the strength of us all, please pray for mine. C'mon God! Your humble servants beseech you on behalf of this campus- we want revival! Anyway, I have to go to bed NOW to get up and study in the morning. See you bright and early. Later!

Warning, Very mushy by Liz's standard

2008-03-25T23:09:00.005-04:00

*frustrated scream* ahhhhhh!!!
Geez, man, today was a roller coaster, and I'm usually not an emotional person. I am just so ughhh right now. I mean, okay, I'll lay it out as best I can. Here we go:

Okay, so the canceled 'dinner shindig' didn't go over too well. To be honest, I think he acted like a whiny 4-year-old child. And he kept texting me. So I stopped answering them. I don't know, I just felt frustrated and pressured. So, that was upsetting. It was a bad situation from the get-go: he's not a believer, older than me and as far as I know, NOT living the life of a man God would choose for me. I feel so stupid. So, yeah, I was just off today.

And then, after all of this being irritated, I was doing homework and minding my own, until something I have never felt before, and what I can only describe as 'desire' came over me. And I wanted my husband so bad. I wanted him to be the man God called him to be. And I wanted him to be very unlike what I experienced today. But I know what business my Father is in, the soul business, so I threw on some worship music, fast, and began to praise him and turn over that desire. I mean, it was so strong, it almost made me sick. It was overwhelming, I have NEVER felt anything as strong or as intimidating. It was a little scary, it came fast and violent and all I could do was cry out to God for help. I don't think I can write in written words what it felt like. I know I keep going on about it, but man, it was too much for me to handle on my own. So I placed it at the feet of Jesus and worshiped until I couldn't breathe. I love my Lord so much. I thank Him for being the perfect lover of my soul, perfect husband, perfect friend.

So then I went to Rez Week and praised my heart out with some family in the faith. Even then I had a slightly difficult time not thinking about that feeling. I kept seeing the face of the one God has for me, and it was a B-A-T-T-L-E to act out 2 Corinthians 10:5. I mean, I had to pray every few moments, and I was quoting that scripture like mad. Praise God for His holy Word. Hallelujah in the highest for having every situation addressed.

Okay, so, this post has the mushy stuff Liz accused me of posting, but this is the first one!

Oh, one more thing:
Husband, if you're reading this, know that I am even more dedicated to waiting for you. Know that I pray for you. Know that I will try harder not to give away even a hint of affection that belongs to you.

Done. sorry if that was TMI.

Man, that was DUMB!

2008-03-25T17:28:00.007-04:00

Now I'm running to your mountain, where your mercy sets me free. You are my STRONG TOWER! EVERLASTING KING!

I know I am, running top speed. So, you ever do something that seems pretty okay, but after you've done it, this thought runs through your head : That was DUMB!

Well, as I shared with my life group last night, I have. The one i told them about was when i was trying to move the mattress of my bed to be better situated on the frame. Well, I didn't want to get off the bed, so I just grabbed the top of the mattress and tried to use my body and weight to move the mattress forward a few inches...Then my fingers slipped, the mattress didn't move, and I slammed the top of my head on the wall. Immediately thinking..."That was DUMB!"

Well, now my story is a little different, but with the same ending thought. Someone asked to take me to dinner for my birthday. Okay-Red Flag. Yeah, I ignored it. So then, one of my friends is a little confused as to why it will just be the two of us. That flag holder is frantic now. Hmm, fast forward to the next day. One of my brothers (in Christ) says "You're going on a date?!" And I implode. My excuses and explanations falling well short of defending a 'just friends' get together. God is now jumping up and down, going "Look at me baby! I'm flagging you! You told me to let you know. Hey! Over here! PAY ATTENTION!"

So, I call my Mom, talk to Liz(who was surprised I didn't pray about it first-thanks sister!), and consult God, finally. Why did it take me so long to go to Him? Oh, probably because I knew what that result would be. Yeah, pretty shocked I accepted the invitation. You know the line by now "Man...that was DUMB!" So anyway, now I see all the flags God threw at me. I'm so thankful that He's interested in every aspect of my life. Praise God for keeping me from making mistakes. Whew! Glad I got that off my chest.

Don't worry, I am going nowhere but to praise my God and hear His word preached tonight. Amen to God keeping me. Amen to being obedient (and sooner next time). Amen for my brothers and sisters. HALLELUJAH to my Lord, God and King.

(Sorry I went a little CAP crazy this post. But I had to get it out there.)

Oh, saw my husband's face again today. Nice looking guy.

More to come...

2008-03-24T14:36:00.002-04:00

So, remember the friend from a few posts back? Well, he came to church with me on Easter and said he was really glad he came and that he enjoyed the service. Praise God!

He(my friend) seems to understand Christianity much better now. (This one's for you Liz, I almost put 'a lot better'.) He doesn't doubt that Jesus was fully God and fully man, I praise God for this. Prayer works! Keep it coming Lord!

Moving on, my church was giving away books titled "The Case for Easter." So i grabbed one and gave it to him. Crossing my fingers he's touched by God speaking through the book. Anywho, I have started a topic called 'Lost and Found' and here I will put all of my updates about those who I personally know that are lost, seeking, and/or found. Stay tuned, should be a fun ride. Continuing to walk in faith. My God is MAJESTIC!

Glory Glory Glory!

Lust, Love and Leaving it to God

2008-03-24T12:56:00.002-04:00

So, yours truly, is having a bit of a dilemma. I am satisfied with my Lord. I am continually learning what His love really means and how deep it is.

But one of the things I want is to have a family. I know that God will bring it about (according to His will, of course), and I'm not impatient, but I catch myself thinking about my future husband. Not that that's a bad thing. And I'm not obsessing or anything. I just really want to be completely sold out for Christ before I even begin to accept the affections of another. Anyway, moral of the post, I want to stop thinking about my romance life with a man, and focus on the One who is currently enraptured with me.

I also feel that God showed me my husband's face, so throw that in...do you see my trouble? I feel like I've seen my husband, want a family pretty badly, yet don't feel ready to deal with a marriage right now.

But something one of my friends opened my eyes to is the fact that maybe that thought is supposed to be there, just hanging out in the back of my head. So, please add me to your prayer list: that I can balance between focusing on God and preparing to be the wife God would have me be-without getting distracted by my future beloved.

Make sense? I have of course been bringing it to God's throne continually, but a little extra prayer goes a long way in this Kingdom.

Okay, coming to a close...Help.

15 days for 15 weeks

2008-03-24T12:45:00.002-04:00

Can I get a "Hallelujah!" for God's awesome timing? As a campus ministry, Rossy Ross has called a fast, 15 days for the 15 weeks of Fall semester.

Now, one of the things my parents didn't like about me fasting was that I have sort of tough classes and exams. Well, during the whole 15 days, I have only a few tests, in Spanish, easily my least difficult course...Can I get another "Hallelujah!" I mean, wow, He really is completely sovereign. He cares about the intimate details of our lives much more than we do. Man I love my God. Testimony after testimony.

Anyway, we will be fasting for God to come to Florida State University in power. With signs, wonders, salvation, revelation and miraculous healings. We believe the message that God put on Ross's heart "15 days for 15 weeks" and will be praying that God not only does a clean sweep of FSU, but also leaves His Presence for generations to come.

Um, if I find out how to hyperlink Ross's blog to mine, I will, otherwise here is the website.
http://rossmiddleton.wordpress.com/2008/03/22/15-days-for-15-weeks/

Lord send Your mercy and Spirit to my campus! Amen! Amen! Amen!

God doesn't TALK to you!

2008-03-20T13:17:00.003-04:00

One more thing...

So, I have been doing a mini fast with a friend. I was asking for 2 main things. One of them was for God to give me something to do, a guideline to follow with a friend who is not a part of the Kingdom. Well, yesterday, guess who had a little chit-chat with me while reading the Word. Yep, God Himself! And He told me a clear course of action for now.

So, I am in search of anyone who knows of, or has, an overview of the Bible that breaks down the Bible into topical sections. Like, a book that will give every Scripture related to say the prophecy of Christ, why Christians believe what they do, Marriage, all that stuff. Once I get that, that will be coupled with a Bible and handed over with prayer behind it. So, if you can help, let me know! Thanks in advance. God is so cool! We're best friends forever you know...

later

Wahoo!

2008-03-20T12:57:00.003-04:00

Yelloooo to the blogging world. I, yours truly, have just found out what minor I want. I am going to pursue a minor in Child Development. I like kids, I may work with kids, and kids are everywhere. Also, plan on having some of my own, so yeah.

Oh, guess what? I plan on going on my FIRST missions trip this summer. To Baja, Mexico. I am very excited. I wonder what God's going to do in my life so that I can be of any use during the trip...only what I let Him right? Well, I give Him full range, a carte blanche to make Lexi useful for the Kingdom. So yeah, my first time trying to raise support and a team, but I have no fear, for God is with me. Hey, if you don't get a letter, you can still support me!

Anyway, I am done with my classes for the day. Just gonna maybe do some more laundry, read my Bible and then do some pre-final flash cards or something. Oh, I have some chemistry homework and I need to read my lab manual for the quiz tomorrow. But other than that, I am DONE! Well, gonna grab some lunch.

later

Read Your Bible!!!

2008-03-18T14:19:00.003-04:00

How many times have we heard that? Well, it is actually one of the greatest things you could do with your free time. Here's a few reasons why:

1. It keeps you from looking at all the CRAP on the internet, including struggles or impure websites.
2. When people reference Scripture, or you hear a Christian song, you know for yourself that it came from the Bible.
3. Gives you a better clarity into some of the things Christians have and why. (joy, peace, etc.)
4. Dude, God wrote you a book...that's just cool.
5. God will speak to you through it. Maybe from reading a story, or the words of Jesus.
6. It is a literal Handbook for Life and Decision Making.
7. There are instances of pretty much every situation in the Bible. Precedents have been set, we just have to find and follow them.
8. You can say "I JUST read that!" and mean it.
9. There is an entire book on wisdom.
10. It's the ultimate truth, and it is steady. You can go to it and ignore everything else you hear from the world or others.

Okay, so that was slightly more than a few, but you get the idea. And reading it every day, at about the same time, is what is called a 'Devotional'. Devotional time is just committing time, energy, and attention to God. Whether praying, reading the Bible, worshiping, speaking Scripture out loud(confessing Scripture) or all of the above. It's pretty important to spend time with God every day. I mean, when you're in love with someone, you kind of like hanging out with them. Even if you just like to be around someone, you try to enjoy their company as much as possible, right? Well, God wants to spend time with you. At any time you have God's undivided attention. Cool? Oh yeah.

And if you aren't sure what to say to God, just start talking. (Prayer is talking to God)Talk about the weather, your classes, your job, your day, family. Anything. Just hearing your voice and having your attention is what He wants. Tell Him about your problems, your issues, pet-peeves. Whatever. He is enraptured by you. He thinks you're the coolest person next to Jesus. Spend some time with Him.

Read your Bible with renewed vigor today. Ask God to show you something as you read. Talk to Him all the time. Find something you want to learn about and read up. I've heard the Bible called a 66 book love letter. Read your Beloved's passionate, inspiring, loving letter today.

READ YOUR BIBLE!

LG-Joy Part 2

2008-03-17T23:42:00.002-04:00

So...Life Group. Um, I guess it went well. I feel like I talked way too much, but eh, I'm still learning. We had 4 girls and then the 3 leaders, the usual crowd. It was a semi-difficult lesson to teach. I could see that understanding the difference between happiness and joy was hard to grasp. I also feel like I dominated the lesson, which is fine, but I'll try to work out double-teaming better with my other leader(one of them is leaving). So yeah, working on it. Haha. Perfect.

Anyway, I think it went okay. I hope they got it. We dabbed into spiritual warfare and salvation and identity. All in all, a fun-filled night. Pointers welcome.

I love my LG.

LG-Joy

2008-03-17T17:04:00.002-04:00

I enjoy leading. I like having answers. And my group of girls, though inconsistent, are very fun when they pay attention. Tonight the lesson is Joy. Pray that God speaks through me and guides me. I'm excited for it. Give you guys an update later! Oh, and my roommate has a headache, pray for her to feel better. Okay, bye for real now.

Been a while eh?

2008-03-17T00:19:00.001-04:00

Wow. So, wow. I forgot all about this page. Okay, hopefully I can remember and do it faithfully, maybe once a week. Anyway, I have so much to spill that has happened over the past 8ish months.
Um, well, for starters, I have become a member of the most exciting church I've ever been to. I love Every Nation Tallahassee. I see God working in the lives of every pastor. And the pastors, by the way, are pretty awesome as well. The worship is always filled with the presence of God, the messages relevant to EVERY walk of life, and the people are *kiss fingertips* perfecto!. I have learned and been challenged and grown as a result of my church, and I wouldn't change it for any other.
Personally, I've broken through some crazy barriers, changed how I identified myself, and met other college students honestly walking out the life of the narrow path set before them. That may be a lot for a second post. But it's what I got right now. I'm excited for responses. Oh, and some of our fantastic campus ministers on this site as well. Soon as I get their permission I'll post their links. Meanwhile, gonna do some Spanish then hit the hay. G'night!

lexi

uno

2007-07-04T13:59:00.000-04:00

So, I just want somewhere to express myself and talk out my walk with Christ. But I want it to be somewhere that I can come back to in years and watch myself grow. So, bear with me, the name was hard to come by. But now it's thereallexi.blogspot.com . i know, but i tried some before that too. Okay, I found one of my pastor's blogs and I think I will respond to what i read there here. how does that sound? I hope someone can benefit from my ramblings, someone other than me i mean. Well, all for now. Later.
Oh, the blog is pastorronmiller.blogspot.com
later people.

lex